If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable

Posted on April 30, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I’ve never met someone who isn’t vulnerable.

I’ve met a lot of people who others claim are not vulnerable.

But I’ve never actually met someone who isn’t vulnerable. Who doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. And who won’t share their true self.

In the right environment, that is.

Vulnerability is not a one-man show.

In an inviting atmosphere surrounded by the right person or people who affirm value, express interest, and create a safely wise environment, I have found that people are very willing to be vulnerable.

These are what I’ve observed to be the worst ways to go about getting someone to be more vulnerable:

Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Critiquing them for not sharing
Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Blaming them

If someone isn’t being vulnerable, they weren’t waiting to get critiqued to start being vulnerable. They weren’t sitting there thinking, “Now once I’m publically embarrassed, then I’ll be ready to be vulnerable.” What these things are actually likely to accomplish is sealing the deal. It will confirm for them that they were wise not to be vulnerable around you. It also has a way of making them regret when they were vulnerable, and it nearly ascertains that they will not be vulnerable with you in the future.

Unfortunately, that’s not progress. Or healthy. Or helpful for the kingdom.

Instead, for most every problem, we can help contribute to the solution.

We simply affirm

Value
Interest
Safety

There is no harm in trying any of these things. The world will not be a worse place if we value people more, show more interest in them, and create safer environments. So at the very least, you’ll make the world a better place. You may also get that vulnerability you’ve been craving. And… you could possibly even revolutionize someone’s world.

VALUE

Seriously. Some people do not know they are valuable. They have never been treated as valuable. Or worse, someone has told them they are not valuable. They may have grown up in a home where it was best to be seen and not heard, they may have a spouse who treats them in a way that communicates they lack worth, or they may work in an environment where they are consistently devalued. They may not even realize that they don’t realize they are valuable. (You may need to read that one again!)

If someone doesn’t know they are valuable, it likely doesn’t occur to them that they have anything valuable to share. You may need to not only affirm their value, but also help them discover what specifically about them is valuable.

Almost every person with whom I have worked who has been critiqued for not being vulnerable has been abused in their life. (I’m saying almost to allow for an exception, but in all honesty, I can’t think of one.) Sometimes the mistreatment has been by others, and the vulnerability-critiquer is simply experiencing the effects. Yet other times, unintentionally, it is by the critiquer himself.

So the first thing we can do is be sure we are not unintentionally harming them. That we are refraining from presuming to know their thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them. That we are not thinking things about them that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. That we don’t just gloss over a list like that, but we consider each word intentionally and ask the Lord to convict our hearts if we’ve thought or said anything to them or about them that does not fit God’s desire for our hearts and minds. If we’ve thought it, we confess it to the Lord. If we’ve said it, we confess it to them.

So the first step towards their becoming more vulnerable around us may actually fall on us.

Secondly, we need to be sure we are convinced they have value. To treat someone as valuable, we need to be convinced of their value. God creates masterpieces. If you need help seeing how this person is a masterpiece and a precious creation of God, then ask Him. He delights to reveal His beauty.

Believe they are valuable, and begin to see what is valuable about them.

After you start to see their beauty and value, affirm it in them. If they’re not aware of it, you will change their life. Literally. They will begin to see how the Lord has wired them. They will begin to embrace it. And your delighting with them over how the Lord has created them opens a precious door. You will begin to get a sweet taste of that intimacy you’ve been craving.

And what I love about valuing others – it’s fun!

This is one of the many reasons I love the charge to

Encourage one another daily.

There are so many messages of how we are not valuable – or what is valuable to the world. And there are precious few recalibrations of what the Lord finds valuable. Encouraging one another daily is simply stating what you see in them that God likes, delights in, and created. What in them resonates with Who the Lord is? Maybe they are artistic. Maybe they are creative. Maybe they are a good listener. Maybe they have done something thoughtful. Maybe they are committed to God’s Word. Maybe they are a prayer warrior. Calling out the Lord in them fills them with strength. It fills them with courage. It calls out their value.

Affirming value is the first step towards vulnerability. Believe they are valuable, and share that value with them. It’s amazing the impact calling out someone’s value has.

I’ll leave us time to wrestle with that today. How can you affirm someone’s value today?

Up next: Expressing interest and being a wisely safe environment.

Will you be my Valentine?

Posted on February 14, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I was the kind of kid who sent a Valentine’s card to everyone.

You know in grade school, when we’d decorate our brown paper bags and staple them to the strip on the wall. Then classmates could drop one of those perforated character Valentine’s from the grocery store in them. Then you get to collect your cards and read them.

Well, I was one of those people who loved everyone. And I didn’t want to leave anyone out. So I gave a card to everyone. Not just everyone in the class, but pretty much everyone I knew.

There may be something sweet about that. And there can be something sweet about that. But I think I’m learning late in life a lesson a lot of people learn a lot earlier. I was just kind of always friends with everyone. I had an amazing core group, and I’m learning it just so happened that the people who were in my classes and in the activities I was involved with are some of the most amazing people I know. Diverse. Varied opinions, beliefs, political convictions, personal orientations, desires in life, style. And just amazing. Friendships with amazing people just sort of naturally happened.

So I kind of think I thought everyone was amazing. My dad used to warn me that I am way too trusting of people. I have this sort of ‘trust everyone’ syndrome. It worked for much of my life. After all, love trusts, right? And if you love people, you trust them, right? I even got to where I could biblically defend my ‘trust everyone’ mindset.

Yet there is also a reality that Jesus had an inner circle – guys he invest in and could at least hope to count on!

One of my dear friends and inspiring walking buddies enlightened what for me was a sage perspective. She’s one of those people that when we get together and walk, sometimes 3 hours later my husband will come driving around the neighborhood looking for us to be sure we’re ok! We just walk and walk and talk, and the time just flies. She’s a great listener with great wisdom, and I am blessed to call her a friend.

She shared something valuable with me as I started to realize this ‘friends with everyone’ thing wasn’t working so well anymore more.

“In my later years, I’ve started to think about friendships a bit differently. I used to think more about believers and outreach – spending time with believers and spending time outreaching in the community. Yet recently, I think a bit differently. I consider which relationships support me and which ones take energy to invest in.”

This was interesting to me. It was a different take on the concept of connecting with others and reaching out to others.

“Sometimes believers support me – it’s more of a reciprocal relationship. And sometimes believers take energy. Sometimes nonbelievers take energy to invest in them. And sometimes they are delightfully energizing relationships.”

True, right? Not all believers leave you feeling built up in the Body. And not all unbelievers leave you feeling like you’ve just engaged in spiritual battle. Some believers feel more like outreach, and some not yet believers feel more like energy, love, and care for your soul.

Paying attention to that has been so valuable for me. Working in ministry, I get used to the dynamic that I pour into people. That’s what we do. I don’t think about myself. Now that may sound godly, but strengths taken to an extreme are weaknesses, and I applied that to a fault. True relationships, true friendship, have a give-and-take reciprocal relationship. It isn’t selfish or wrong of me to want to get something out of the relationship. It is wise of me to consider if this is a reciprocal relationship or an investment-only relationship. Do I feel like I also sometimes get something out of this relationship, or am I only serving? Because if my life is filled with investment-only relationships, I end up drained, depleted, and unsupported. It may take years or decades to get there.

Yes, we are called to invest in others. Yes, there is value in reaching out to those who have nothing to give back. Yes, there is value in spending time with both believers and unbelievers who feel more like an investment-only relationship.

Yet not if that is the entirety of my time.

And not if that is my inner circle.

My inner circle should be mostly reciprocal over time. It is not selfish or wrong to desire to benefit from a relationship. We are certainly not talking about extremes here where the relationship is entirely for my benefit, but instead taking a pulse check on occasion that the people I have in my inner circle are people who build me up, people who energize me, and people who I feel like I benefit from being around.

For some of y’all, this is crazy obvious. For others – like me! – it can feel selfish or self-centered. Part of my eye-opening was just sheer, utter depletion. Part of my eye-opening was relationships where I felt like I was giving more than all I could give and the other person still wasn’t happy. I had to figure out something different. And part of my eye opening was understanding assertiveness. Perhaps oversimplified,

Assertiveness is considering yourself and the other person. It is self-respect balanced with respect for others. Even Christ had a will: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). He had a desire and expressed it, yet was willing to do God’s will. Even the most sacrificial Christ was assertive.
Passiveness is not considering yourself and simply doing whatever the other person wants. It is pleasing others at the cost of caring for yourself. It is believing others needs are more important than your own – always, to a fault. It is having a hard time balancing this verse: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Not more than yourself. Not without considering yourself. Not simply, “Love your neighbor.” But “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It sounds godly and can feel godly to ‘forget’ the ‘as yourself,’ yet the Lord put it there for a reason!
Aggressiveness is only considering yourself.

Echoing one of Maxwell’s leadership principles, it is important that your inner circle people are adders or multipliers; they add value to *you*. For those (like me) who might be concerned this is selfish, I would add from experience: it is valuable to invest in others, be available to others, and reach out to others, but your inner circle is different. To lift others up well, you must “look for only lifters for your inner circle.” (Yes, there are seasons when reciprocal relationships enter into a kind of investment-only period. I’m talking about in general in your life, are you always pouring out for others, or do you also have places and people who energize and add value to you?)

It’s so funny. I did this pursuing a spouse – I was intentional about whom I wanted to marry and carefully considered the qualities and character he must have. And then I simply love everyone else! And yes, that is valuable, and I love that I love people. Yet it’s kind of crazy to think about – that I am so intentional about one, then so all-endearing with everyone else. So I’m getting better – I’m being more intentional about who energizes me, and like choosing a spouse, more intentional about who is in my inner circle.

And it’s energizing. It used to be that when I had a free moment or afternoon, I’d think, “Who needs something? Whom can I help?” And there is value in that. But I swung the pendulum too far. It’s not *all* about *always* caring for others and praying for them and investing in them.

For me, it’s the little things, too. Take Facebook posts! Some are more consistently complain-y than is energizing for me. I used to think, “Oh, I need to be aware of what is going on in their lives so I can pray for them.” And that may be true – the Lord may ask me to be intentional to invest in their life and lift them up. But it is also ok if the Lord does not ask that of me for me to hide posts that consistently drain me. Then checking Facebook on occasion can be a fun pick-me-up, not only a place to care for others.

I have reluctantly come to accept this: The whole airplane face mask analogy exists for a reason. I’ve got to take care of myself, too. I’ve got to have a valuable, energizing inner circle. Caring for myself will help me best care for others. And more intentionally care for others. And enjoy caring for others. And enjoy life!

Being intentional to pack energizers – believers and nonbelievers! – in my life has been so valuable. And some investment-onlys – believers and nonbelievers! – is a gift, too. They all are valuable. In balance. And in the right circle.

photo credit: Contest for Moms

when ‘not getting along’ is a good thing

Posted on January 17, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

A purple squirrel.

That’s what my last company called me.

They were looking for someone who had analytical, numbers, detail-orientation as well as big picture, leadership, management orientation. HR told them what they were looking for was a “purple squirrel” ~ that that combination was unusual… that it doesn’t quite exist naturally in nature!

I’ve always kind of been this ‘purple squirrel.’ In high school, I was on the math team. Yes, I was a math nerd! And got to hang out with some top quality people on that team. I was also a band nerd… and a chemistry nerd. But I also had this other side: I was a cheerleader and on homecoming court.

I remember one day on the bus to a math competition one of my teammates asked me, “Why are you the only popular person who talks to us?” I was so struck by the question. I had never thought of myself as popular until he asked it. And then I wondered if I was the only popular person who talked to them, or if I was the only nerd who talked to the ‘popular’ people!

I’ve always kind of been this purple squirrel.

When I took my Myers-Briggs, I was told my results indicated I either got along with everyone or no one. Most of my life, I’ve just loved people. I’ve had a lot of interests, so I’ve been in a lot of clubs that intersected with diverse groups of people. And I loved them all. I had never met a person I didn’t feel like I could get along with. So most of my life, it’s been everyone.

Most of my life.

… until

the

church.

And that’s left me scratching my head.

Hurt.

Perplexed.

And at times wondering if maybe my Myers-Briggs results were right: I get along with either everyone or no one. I had my season of everyone. Maybe now I was having my season of no one?

Uggh. That feels so defeatist.

So downhearted.

How do I get out of this season?

I can remember days in high school when people would ask me, “Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?” I can now confidently say, “Yes!”

But that’s not an answer I ever wanted to be confident in. I am so used to getting along with people that I have been so bewildered. With the people I can’t seem to get along with, what is it that makes it that way? Is there something I’m not getting about the Bible? Something I’m not getting about the Christian dynamics? What do I need to change? Is there something they all have in common that I need to be watchful for and aware of?

For a while, I wondered if it had to do with the part of the country. I got along with mid-westerners growing up. I got along with southerners in college. Now I live on the east coast. Maybe there was something I wasn’t getting about east coasters that I needed to adjust to? Maybe. But not all east coasters fit into that, and as it turned out, not all that I couldn’t seem to get along with were east coasters.

Maybe it was some subsection of evangelicals? Maybe there was some background something that I was rubbing the wrong way? Or maybe it was east coast evangelicals? Maybe. But it still didn’t seem to quite pinpoint the problem, so how was I to work on a solution?

Then I thought maybe it was people with the Strengthsfinder of Command. I thought I was really on to something for a while. I still wasn’t sure what to do about it, but maybe I was getting close to at least figuring out what was going on. But then I met people with Command with whom I get along.

So what was it? And was it anything I needed to adjust to? Was it something I could do differently and solve? Was it something I needed to be aware of and just live with?

Hmmmm…..

I got to the place where I remember thinking, “I *used* to like people.” And that so saddened me. It was hard to be in relationships. Hurtful. Consistently devastating. It was a pattern that was depleting me. It was so incredibly painful – and so seemingly unpredictable – that it was getting really hard to reach out in relationship. I couldn’t figure out what the trigger was that made for such hurtfully unpleasant relationships. But I needed to understand it. I needed to be in healthy relationships.

As I was driving back from an assertiveness workshop this week, the Lord provided my answer. After spending a day reinforcing my ability to defend myself – to see myself as valuable and not accept when others treat me otherwise, the Lord provided the answer I’d been pondering for years. The answer has been crystallizing over the past year, and the clarity and freedom just completely snapped into place.

I don’t get along with verbally abusive slanderers.

That is the one thing all these relational dynamics have in common.

If you’ve been following this blog long, you’re well aware that it took me a long time to embrace the concept of verbal abuse… and then a long time to accept that it was happening in the church. It’s taken me a long time to be willing to articulate the phrase and say it confidently out loud. I don’t like it, and I wish it didn’t exist. But it does. I don’t like the pain it has caused in my life. But it has. To identify and embrace the problem is critical. It is essential to its solution.

Then the Lord added a piece that was really freeing:

I don’t get along with verbally abusive slanderers.
And I’m ok with that.

I don’t need to do all kinds of gymnastics to get along with people when they are being verbally abusive. If they’d like to be verbally abusive, that’s their decision. I choose not to be a part of that relationship. If they’d like to slander, that’s their decision. I choose not to, and I choose not to be around them when they do. If others would like to be in relationships with them, that is their decision. I choose differently.

Now there is something I do need to do differently: I need to be assertive. This ‘selflessness’ where I don’t consider myself and let them ‘externally process’ (when they are actually verbally abusing me and slandering me but I am excusing it as externally processing) – that I need to change. I need to quit being passive and start being assertive. That I need to block.

And if they don’t like it, that’s ok. If they want to sin, that is their decision. I cannot force the relationship to work. I cannot do enough gymnastics to make it healthy. Nor should I.

It’s the clarity that I’ve been seeking. And it provides such freedom.

I don’t get along with people when they are being verbally abusive and slandering. And I’m ok with that.

photo credit: Unfamiliar Tide

bah humbug!

Posted on December 27, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

I hope you get to live every day of your life in amazing, healthy relationships. I’d like that!

And I hope you never need to know these terms.

But just in case, I think they’ll prove valuable – and help you remember that *you* are valuable!!

Our first story involves our neighbors. Right at the end of election season, one of our guy neighbors woke up to a very unhappy letter on his front door. It seems the woman who lives near him wasn’t practicing her {dhs sifter}! What really happened was that the wind blew her political sign out of her yard. What she accused our neighbor of happening was that he ripped the sign out and threw it near the trash. She claimed he ‘did’ this because he was racist, so she threatened him. The letter was at best hurtful and crazy, and at worst, well, a very un-fun term:

An Assault is an intentional unlawful threat by word or act to do violence to another with the apparent ability to carry out the threat.

Crazy, huh?

The “apparent” ability to being able to carry out this threat is whether the victim believed it – not whether it was factually possible. If the victim is put in fear the apparent ability exists.

So even though ‘assault’ sounds like a person was physically harmed, it’s actually just the *threat* of harming them.

Note that assault does not involve any actual contact. The raising of a fist in a striking motion is an act. Also note that the threat can be by “word.”

Stinks, right? I mean, here we are living in a happy neighborhood, and all of a sudden, our neighbor wakes up to assault. Bummer.

He is familiar with these terms, and he had the threat in writing, so he called the Sheriff and filed a report of assault. The Sheriff came out and took it from there.

Now states are different, and I am by no means acting here with legal advice. What I do want to communicate is this: You are valuable. God wants you to be treated that way. And our country takes it very seriously when you are not treated that way.

Now if you were assaulted, it does not mean that you have to press charges. You may choose to try to resolve it on your own first. I’m new at this, so if you have input or experiences, please share! But this is what I have learned. With assault – and with the term I’ll share below – both simply involve filing a report. As I understand it, most states take it from there. That means the actual pressing of charges is determined by the state, not by you. If the person repents or apologizes, you may give that testimony should the state press charges, but – as I understand it – you don’t ‘drop charges.’ The state determines whether or not to pursue criminal charges. (As I understand it, you could file a civil charge for damages if you’d like, but when you simply file a report, the state determines whether or not to press criminal charges.)

An assault is in many states a second degree misdemeanor. That means that writing a note out of anger threatening someone could cause you to end up with up to 60 days in jail and a $500 fine. Yikes.

Crazy, right? How quickly ‘venting’ or not controlling one’s anger can become serious!

Now if it’s domestic violence, the consequences are much more serious. And if it’s with a deadly weapon – like if someone raises a baseball bat at you, it’s aggravated assault. So be careful in your anger that you do not sin… and that you do not end up waiving a baseball bat at someone. (Note: This does not apply to, for example, an intruder in your home. Defending yourself against an intruder is different from aggravated assault.) Aggravated assault is in some states a third degree felony. A felony means losing your civil rights such as the ability to vote, bear arms, and hold public office. Third degree means it is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

And all of that is not even touching a person.

I was recently involved in a situation where a person touched me in their anger. There are few things as scary. It is devastating for a relationship. And for me, it feels like a huge load: What in the world do I do? If the person has no desire to get help, is it best to file a report to protect me and encourage their getting help? Is it best to be patient and hope they get help on their own? It’s scary and stressful. (Just to be clear – it was not my husband. He is my biggest advocate and supporter!)

So here’s the deal with touching someone:

Battery is the unlawful touching of another. Battery occurs when a person intentionally touches or strikes another person against their will or intentionally causes bodily harm to another person.

Crazy, right? If you are someone who cannot control your temper and have struck someone in anger – or have scared yourself because you have considered it before, please get help. Besides the emotional, physical, and relational damage you do to another, you are putting yourself in a scary situation. Battery is a First Degree Misdemeanor. The term ‘misdemeanor’ may sound like it’s not too serious, but depending on the state, it is punishable by up to 365 days in jail and a $1,000 fine. Unless you’re hoping to hang out in jail for a year, please get help. Counseling is a great option. The Compassion Workshop is helpful as well.

Now it’s a year in jail if you didn’t really hurt the person. But let’s say in your anger, you just kind of pushed the person, and the ‘just kind of push’ caused them to trip, fall, and did major damage to them:

A simple battery becomes a felony battery when the action causes great bodily harm or permanent disability or disfigurement. Great bodily harm is determined by injury to the victim – not the action taken by the accused.

A ‘just kind of push’ could become a third degree felony if the person has medical issues or the like. And that’s nothing to mess around with. A third degree felony is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $5,000 fine. Because it is a felony, it also means losing your civil rights such as the ability to vote, bear arms, and hold public office.

There is another way a simply battery can become a felony – if the person has committed another battery before. So if someone hits you or pushes you or whatever once, then later hits or pushes you or someone else, they could now fall into the category of a felon. That’s serious stuff.

Bah humbug, right?

I’m not trying to be Scrooge – I just want you to be aware of two things. First, if someone has written notes to you in anger or touched you hurtfully in anger, please know that your feeling stunned or hurt by it makes sense. It is wrong for someone to treat you that way. I shared the punishments for the actions not to incite revenge or anything crazy, but to illustrate that our country takes this stuff seriously. The actions done to you were wrong, and there are consequences for treating people poorly. You are valuable, and you deserve to be treated that way.

Second, if you are someone who struggles to control your anger, if you think threatening people is acceptable, or if you cannot control your actions when you are angry, please get help. You are doing yourself a favor. And you are giving a gift to those with whom you are in relationship. Counseling is a great option. The Compassion Workshop is helpful as well. Focus on the Family also has a hotline you can call for free to get input and advice on next steps: 1-800-A-Family (232-6459) weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain Time. Their website also suggests some great counselors in your area.

So I may sound like a bit of a Scrooge, but I don’t want you to get scrooged! You are valuable. Please treat yourself and others that way! If you need to make a new year’s resolution, please do it! I want us all to be able to delight in relationships done well.

May God bless you, and Happy New Year!

photo credit: cute etsy pillow!

Inspiring Love

Posted on February 16, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

So we’ve gotten a look at ‘lovely’ ~ at the Philippians 4:8 thoughts to dwell upon. Sometimes to more fully understand, it’s helpful to look at the opposite – what it doesn’t mean.

One of the descriptions we looked at said that thoughts that are lovely “promote peace.” It goes on to talk about its opposite: “rather than conflict.” Hmmmm… very interesting for our goal here in delighting in conflict done well!

Another description said that lovely thoughts “serve to cultivate and increase love, friendship, and amity among men; and which things also are grateful to God and lovely in his sight.” It goes on to say “in opposition to all contention, strife, wrath, and hatred.”

The description of lovely as ‘that which calls forth love’ sandwiches its opposite:

Winsome is the best translation of all. The Greek is prosphile, and it might be paraphrased as that which calls forth love. There are those whose minds are so set on vengeance and punishment that they call forth bitterness and fear in others. There are those whose minds are so set on criticism and rebuke that they call forth resentment in others. The mind of the Christian is set on the lovely things—kindness, sympathy, forbearance—so he is a winsome person, whom to see is to love.

So setting our minds on thoughts that are lovely is the opposite of setting our minds on criticism. If our minds are in the mode of being critical towards another, then our minds are not dwelling on the lovely.

Now does this mean that we can’t ever think a critical thought? Of course not. And I’ll give you a trick about that next time. Here, the distinction is about those whose minds are set on criticism. You know, when you’re in that rut of critical thought – when you see a person, and all that comes to mind are the things about them that annoy you. When your disposition and countenance change. When that critical nature negatively impacts others.

So lovely thoughts are those not set on criticism. They are not set on rebuke. They are not set on punishment or vengeance. They do not call forth bitterness or resentment in others. They do not promote conflict. They do not cultivate contention or strife. They do not increase hatred.

Instead, lovely thoughts are those which are grateful to God. They are lovely in His sight. They call forth love in others. They inspire love.

What lovely thoughts is your mind dwelling on?

Here we go a-jostling

Posted on January 26, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

We talked a couple posts ago about a pretty tough reality in relationships:

“Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically.” (Boundaries, 109)

There is certainly a lot of pain and a lot to grieve in that relational reality. But this quote has also challenged me in an interesting, almost freeing and enlivening way. Weird, huh?

You see, I don’t really want it to happen again. I don’t really want to end up in a place again where I find out that not only has a friendship ended, but it actually ended years ago. I want to know that my friendships are solid. That the people who love me actually, well, love me. Not that they love that I do what they want or comply with who they think I should be. But that they love me – strengths, weaknesses, similarities, differences, yeses, nos. *All* of me.

“Will some people abandon or attack us for having boundaries? Yes. Better learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know.” (Boundaries, 109)

I am blessed that I have friends that I know do love all of me. So blessed.

How do I know? Because we’ve jostled… and come out clean.

To be sure of a friendship requires jostling. If I’m ‘compliant’ me and they like it, well, do they like me or my compliance? Those are two very different things. But if we’ve jostled and come out clean ~ now that’s the good stuff!

“You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—or learn that there was very little to begin with.” (Boundaries, 108)

Now there is certainly a caution here. I shouldn’t go around a-jostling just to jostle. Jostling isn’t an offensive tool:

“Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.” (Boundaries, 110)

I don’t jostle just to test friendships. Friendships are more precious than that.

But our opening quote does still inspire me in an oddly freeing way.

So what does this inspire in me? To be me! To be fully, unabashedly, wholly me! To do more things freely. To do less things compliantly – reluctantly and under compulsion. To be freely and wholly me!

Why? Because I don’t need to sneak around trying to avoid jostles. Instead, I welcome them. I embrace them. I don’t seek them or intentionally try to cause them, but I also don’t veer around them. I welcome them because they show me the verity of our friendship. They distill true relationship. And that, I love!

Accepting jostles frees me to be fully me. Fully, freely me. How enlivening is that?

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~ Romans 5:3-5

It’s only one dreg!

Posted on January 19, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

Sometimes we think our thoughts about another person are pretty pure because most of our ‘water’ is, well, clear.

But sometimes our ‘water’ (our thoughts about another person) looks clear…only because our dregs towards them have settled to the bottom.

There they are: the bottom-feeders. The dregs.

Sometimes we forget about them after they’ve settled to the bottom. We don’t even realize they are adding weight to our thoughts about our friend. Or maybe we know about them, but we keep setting them aside. Pushing them down. Maybe hoping they’ll go away? But they don’t. They pull us down… and often our friend and friendship with it.

Then all it takes is one little jostle.

And the friendship that we thought was in the clear is suddenly filled with the dregs that have been pushed down to the bottom… for who knows how long.

Sometimes it surprises us. Other times we saw it coming. But our dregs definitely shock our friend. If we’ve been showing our pure ‘water’ to them, well, of course they are stunned when it is suddenly infiltrated with dregs!

Two girlfriends – both of whom I just think the world of – suggested to me recently that I reread Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries. What a life changer it was for me over a decade ago! And I think age has only enhanced its flavor : )

As I was reading, one sentence just jumped off the page at me. It so poignantly captured the mess and hurt that a dreggy jostle can cause. This is the quote in Boundaries language:

“Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically.” (109)

Yikes, right? Even if you’ve never read Boundaries and have no idea what it’s talking about, you can still tell it hurts!

A boundary jostles. Even if it’s something as simple as “I’m sorry I can’t go to the movies with you tonight.” With clear water, well, it’s no big deal. We jostle, and we stay pure. And our friendship stays pure. But with sediment and dregs, we jostle, and… yuck.

Now for some crazy reason, some people like their dregs. They want to hold on to them. They choose to think dreggy thoughts about you.

That is totally worth grieving.

But a dreggy jostle doesn’t just reveal that our relationship is a mess. It reveals that our relationship astonishingly *has been* a mess. And that is really worth grieving. We grieve that our friend has chosen to have dreggy thoughts at all… and especially for so long. It’s hurtful when we learn how long the dregs have been collecting. And we grieve the loss that we invested into a friendship that wasn’t really as we thought.

What a mess dregs can make! They lie at the bottom so innocuous, and so easy to forget or dismiss.

Now may I suggest that it is one little dreg – choosing to hold on to one measly little dreg – that actually begins the end of the friendship. One little dreg is how Satan starts. One little dreg is how sin starts. Holding on to one little dreg is how relationships start to end.

So if you value the friendships you’re in, beware of one little dreg! Distill it. Confess it and purify it before the Lord. Renew your mind to think things about others that are ἁγνός – pure in the highest sense.

I am grateful that distillation is always a possibility in God’s world. What peace there is in enjoying dreg-free thoughts about others. What delightful unity it enables to the Body. {happy sigh} The freedom and joy it brings to relationships is indeed life-giving.

So the choice for me? Dreg free!

{ double hockey sticks }

delighting in conflict done well

Tag Archives: relationship