Tag Archives: Lord

If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable

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I’ve never met someone who isn’t vulnerable.

I’ve met a lot of people who others claim are not vulnerable.

But I’ve never actually met someone who isn’t vulnerable.  Who doesn’t know how to be vulnerable.  And who won’t share their true self.

door_open

In the right environment, that is.

Vulnerability is not a one-man show.

In an inviting atmosphere surrounded by the right person or people who affirm value, express interest, and create a safely wise environment, I have found that people are very willing to be vulnerable.

These are what I’ve observed to be the worst ways to go about getting someone to be more vulnerable:

  • Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
  • Critiquing them for not sharing
  • Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
  • Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
  • Blaming them

If someone isn’t being vulnerable, they weren’t waiting to get critiqued to start being vulnerable.  They weren’t sitting there thinking, “Now once I’m publically embarrassed, then I’ll be ready to be vulnerable.”  What these things are actually likely to accomplish is sealing the deal.  It will confirm for them that they were wise not to be vulnerable around you.  It also has a way of making them regret when they were vulnerable, and it nearly ascertains that they will not be vulnerable with you in the future.

Unfortunately, that’s not progress.  Or healthy.  Or helpful for the kingdom.

Instead, for most every problem, we can help contribute to the solution. 

We simply affirm

  • Value
  • Interest
  • Safety

There is no harm in trying any of these things.  The world will not be a worse place if we value people more, show more interest in them, and create safer environments.  So at the very least, you’ll make the world a better place.  You may also get that vulnerability you’ve been craving.  And… you could possibly even revolutionize someone’s world.

VALUE

Seriously.  Some people do not know they are valuable.  They have never been treated as valuable.  Or worse, someone has told them they are not valuable.  They may have grown up in a home where it was best to be seen and not heard, they may have a spouse who treats them in a way that communicates they lack worth, or they may work in an environment where they are consistently devalued.  They may not even realize that they don’t realize they are valuable.  (You may need to read that one again!)

If someone doesn’t know they are valuable, it likely doesn’t occur to them that they have anything valuable to share.  You may need to not only affirm their value, but also help them discover what specifically about them is valuable.

Almost every person with whom I have worked who has been critiqued for not being vulnerable has been abused in their life.  (I’m saying almost to allow for an exception, but in all honesty, I can’t think of one.)  Sometimes the mistreatment has been by others, and the vulnerability-critiquer is simply experiencing the effects.  Yet other times, unintentionally, it is by the critiquer himself.

So the first thing we can do is be sure we are not unintentionally harming them.  That we are refraining from presuming to know their thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them.  That we are not thinking things about them that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  That we don’t just gloss over a list like that, but we consider each word intentionally and ask the Lord to convict our hearts if we’ve thought or said anything to them or about them that does not fit God’s desire for our hearts and minds.  If we’ve thought it, we confess it to the Lord.  If we’ve said it, we confess it to them.

So the first step towards their becoming more vulnerable around us may actually fall on us.

Secondly, we need to be sure we are convinced they have value.  To treat someone as valuable, we need to be convinced of their value.  God creates masterpieces.  If you need help seeing how this person is a masterpiece and a precious creation of God, then ask Him.  He delights to reveal His beauty.

Believe they are valuable, and begin to see what is valuable about them.

After you start to see their beauty and value, affirm it in them.  If they’re not aware of it, you will change their life.  Literally.  They will begin to see how the Lord has wired them.  They will begin to embrace it.  And your delighting with them over how the Lord has created them opens a precious door.  You will begin to get a sweet taste of that intimacy you’ve been craving.

And what I love about valuing others – it’s fun!

This is one of the many reasons I love the charge to

Encourage one another daily.

There are so many messages of how we are not valuable – or what is valuable to the world.  And there are precious few recalibrations of what the Lord finds valuable.  Encouraging one another daily is simply stating what you see in them that God likes, delights in, and created.  What in them resonates with Who the Lord is?  Maybe they are artistic.  Maybe they are creative. Maybe they are a good listener.  Maybe they have done something thoughtful.  Maybe they are committed to God’s Word.  Maybe they are a prayer warrior.  Calling out the Lord in them fills them with strength. It fills them with courage.  It calls out their value.

Affirming value is the first step towards vulnerability.  Believe they are valuable, and share that value with them.   It’s amazing the impact calling out someone’s value has.

I’ll leave us time to wrestle with that today.  How can you affirm someone’s value today?

Up next:  Expressing interest and being a wisely safe environment.

Which side of the bed?

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10 years of marriage!!  That’s what we celebrate tomorrow.  Can you believe it?  I can’t.  Those years flew!

After we got married, we were trying to figure out what to do with my wedding dress.  It seems a lot of people keep it for a lot of years and then, well, they’ve kept it.  With limited storage space, I wasn’t sure if I thought that was a good idea for us.  So the sometimes-overly-practical me looked into selling it.  Gratefully, the sometimes-you’re-too-practical part of me kicked in.  We decided that the fraction we’d recoup didn’t seem worth the possible regret of not having it later.  So we kept it.

Then I had another idea.  I told Dave that if I fit into the dress on our 10 year anniversary, that I wanted him to take me out to dinner in it!

I got it out and tried it on a few weeks ago.  Gratefully, it fits!  With the advice of a helpful friend, I’ve been carefully cleaning parts of it that have turned weird colors with a toothbrush.  It’s cleaning up ok.  I got some updated jewelry, and we made our reservation.  I think we’re actually going to do this.

We’re going to our favorite restaurant.  Dave’s favorite meal is steak (next to PB&J, of course!).  Mine is Chilean sea bass (it’s one of the first ‘animals’ I ate after I moved on from my vegetarian days, and I love it!).  There is one restaurant that serves both:  Bonefish Grill.

So that’s where we’re going.  Wedding dress and tux to Bonefish.

I think we might stick out.

We’re not big ‘attention’ people.  It will be awkward for both of us.  Maybe we’ll wear shades?  : )  But hopefully it’ll also be a lot of fun.

It’ll be fun to celebrate 10 years and how wonderful they’ve been. We’ve certainly had our share of tough situations.  Yet for some reason, the Lord has been so gracious with our marriage.  It is truly such a gift.

It’s entirely the Lord that He’s chosen to bless our marriage as He has.  In the times where we haven’t messed that up too much : ), we’ve often noted that it’s the little decisions that have made the biggest difference.

Like praying together every night before we go to bed.  Dave started that right when we got married.  It’s a seemingly little thing that he’s led us to be super consistent on.  And  a little thing… done daily for 10 years… well, it becomes a blessing of an impact on our marriage.

And you’ve heard the statistic, right?  Whereas the ‘regular’ divorce rate is about 50%, the divorce rate among couples who pray regularly together is less than a fraction of a percent.  It’s a ‘little’ decision that makes a big difference.

Another ‘little’ decision had to do with our wedding vows.  I’m one of those weird women who never dreamed about her wedding.  I wasn’t super invested in all the physical details.  One of my friends offered to help, and I remember asking her if she’d pick out the flowers.  I didn’t think it was that weird… everyone else did!  : )  It just wasn’t that high of a priority for me.

Our guests, on the other hand, I cared a lot about.  We prayed specifically for each person we invited whether they could come or not.  That consumed a lot of our ‘planning’ time.  But all those crazy details?  They just weren’t me.

And my husband?   That I cared a boatload about.  Whereas I wasn’t overly invested in the wedding, I was crazy invested in the marriage.  I cared a lot about what our marriage would look like, how we would do things, how we would work through things, and what our vision was.  So our vows were a big deal to me.

The dress and the shoes and the hair?  Not so much.  The vows?  Totally.

I felt like they were the opportunity to really clarify and crystallize what we wanted this life-together-thing to look like.

So we worked on them.  And worked on them.  And worked on them.

We had customized vows that I just loved.

And then we did what my parents did at their wedding.  We memorized them.  We figured if this is what we’re committing to each other and to the Lord, we’d better know them!  And know them by heart.

I loved that part of our ceremony.

Yet it’s a ‘little’ decision afterwards that has made an especially big difference.

vows

We got them framed and were hanging them in our bedroom.  At first, I put my vows to Dave on his side of the bed, and his vows to me on my side of the bed.

But that didn’t sit quite right with us.

Yes, they are our promises to each other and to the Lord, but is that what I want to be focused on?  What Dave is supposed to be committing to me?

Or do I want my thoughts and energy focused on the opposite ~ what I’ve committed to him?  As I’m standing there getting ready for bed, do I want my thoughts to be about what he is or is not living up to? Or do I want my thoughts to be about what I am or am not living up to?  Do I want to focus on improving me… or judging him?  And on the flip side, do I want him focused on his self-checks… or on nagging me?

It’s one of those unusually little decisions that we believe has made a big difference in our marriage.  I hung the vows I made to Dave on my side of the bed.  And he hung the vows he made to me on his side.  So our focus isn’t on judging the other person’s commitment; it’s on consistently evaluating and refreshing our own.

It’s not on nagging or tearing down.  It’s on trying our best.

And knowing I fall short at times helps me give him grace… should he ever fall short!

It’s choosing to focus my energy and efforts on how I can improve – instead of on critiquing how he should improve.

And that, my friends, is truly our heart in this blog.  We talk about some tough topics.  Some hurtful issues.  Some things that likely bring to mind what others have done wrong.  Some things that have undoubtedly brought to my mind of how others have been so incredibly hurtful.

Yet we’re not about pointing fingers.  We’re not about blaming.  And we’re not about critiquing others.

We’re about keeping things on our side of the bed.

We’re about identifying situations so we can respond differently next time.  We’re about understanding hurts so we can strive not to be hurtful.  We’re about identifying where we fall short so we can work on improving.  With the ‘other side of the bed’ in mind, of course.  But primarily with our commitment square in our sights.  We’re primarily focused not on what *others* should be doing… but on what *we* can do to help this kingdom be a better place.

Part of my passion to help make the kingdom a better place is to help people be aware of these hurts – often unintentional – that often end up delving into that crazy term that can seem unimaginable.  My desire is not to point fingers.  It is to raise awareness so that we can all do it better.  It is to help me identify how I could have handled situations differently to have curbed some of the impact.  It is to help me live out my side of the bed.

And I pray that as you read these, that you’d join me in this.  That yes, we’d grieve and process the hurts that come to mind.  But primarily, that we’d seek to focus our energy and efforts not on how others should improve.  Instead, we’d seek to focus our energy and efforts on how we can improve.  What we can do differently to change the dynamic.  Not that we’re responsible for it.  But that we can impact it.

That’s what we’re all about.  Hanging our commitment on our side of the bed.

And celebrating the fruit of it years later!

QUESTION: What seemingly ‘little’ decisions have you made that have made a big difference?

The Case of the Missing ‘E’

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Jack and Janie have been married for years.

Many of them, happily.

They both loved the Lord.  And they both thought they were doing what was best for their marriage.

hiding woman

But lately, it just hasn’t been working.

This is Jack’s take…

I believe communication in marriage is important, so I try to communicate with her.  I share with her what I’m feeling and thinking.  I want to talk about the tough issues and work through them.

But she doesn’t.  She just leaves the room whenever I try to work through the hard things with her.  She doesn’t treat my perspective as if its valid.  And she’s not willing to own the things she does wrong.  She’s so mean sometimes, but then she won’t talk about it.

And it’s not just that she won’t talk about it.  She gives me the silent treatment.  I mean, we’re grown adults.  But she gives me the silent treatment.  Sometimes for days.   And sometimes, it feels like she won’t even look at me.

Communication is important in marriage, and she’s not communicating.  We’ve got to communicate more if we’re going to save this marriage.

It sure sounds like Janie is doing it all wrong, huh?  But there are always at least two perspectives to every story.

Here’s Janie’s take…

I’ve loved being married to Jack.  Our first years were great.  But the last several years, I just can’t seem to do anything right.  It doesn’t matter what I say or what I do, he’s upset.  If I pick up extra hours at work to help pay the bills while he’s looking for a job, then he gets mad and claims I don’t want to be around him.  But if I don’t pick up the extra hours, then he says I don’t care about our marriage and our future.  If I make a lunch for him, he says that I think he’s incapable.  If I don’t make a lunch for him, he says I don’t care about him. It doesn’t matter what I do, it isn’t right.

Sometimes I don’t even do anything!  I just live, and he says I don’t love him or don’t care about him.  He gets so upset and goes on and on.  I don’t know where he comes up with the things that he does.

Sometimes I just try to pretend like I don’t exist.  It seems like existing makes him upset no matter what I do.  So I try to tip-toe around and act like I’m not there.  It seems to work ok.  It doesn’t seem to rouse the grizzly in him.

But sometimes it doesn’t.  And he just unloads with all these hurtful, hateful, unfounded things.  My counselor told me when he gets illogical and so upset, to simply excuse myself and let him know I can’t be around him right then.

I don’t know where he comes up with the things he communicates, why he thinks them, or how to change it.  We have got to quit this communication if we’re going to save our marriage.

Now whose right?

As we mentioned, there are always *at least* two perspectives to every story.  Here is a third!

It sounds like Jack is doing his darndest to save his marriage as best he knows how.  And he’s right – communication is essential to a healthy marriage.  But more communication only helps if it is healthy communication.  If it is destructive communication, it just causes more damage.

It sounds like Janie is doing as best as she currently knows to protect herself from destructive communication.  Though Jack is not intending to be, his communication sounds abusive.  When Janie feels that abuse, she removes herself from the situation.  Though she is not intending to, Janie’s protection of herself comes across to him like the silent treatment – which, ironically enough, is a form of abuse.

Neither are intending to abuse the other, yet both feel abused.  Both are seeking as best they know how to protect the marriage, yet instead, their actions are hurtful to the other.  Both feel like they are fighting for their marriage, yet to the other, it just feels like they are fighting.

Now I know one little tweak can’t solve everything, but it is a start.  And I think E is a valuable place to start.

It seems that the root of the issue – or of their ability to solve their issues – is abusive communication.  If Jack learned how to communicate nonabusively, Janie would not feel a need to retreat and protect herself.  Yet if Janie retreated more effectively, Jack would better understand that he was doing something hurtful, and he would have the opportunity to understand that she was not pulling back from their marriage – simply from the abusive communication.

All she needs to retreat more effectively is E.

As Janie throws her PIES, she Prays, then she politely Interrupts Jack,

“I need to interrupt.”

Her next step is E: Explain briefly.

“Presuming to know my thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them is verbal abuse, and I will not be abused.”

It is not a long explanation. It’s not a lecture.  It’s not a defense nor an attack.  It’s a sentence or two brief explanation that states her position.

The value of this is manifold.

  • It lets Jack know exactly why she is retreating.  It is not because she is unwilling to work through the tough things.  It is not because she wants to give him the silent treatment.  It is not because she does not care about their marriage.  It is because she expects to be treated nonabusively.
  • It gives Jack a path.  Though he may not agree, at least now he has an opportunity to know that better understanding verbal abuse could open the door to better communication with Janie.
  • It affirms Janie.  It does not attack Jack.  Importantly, it is not trying to convince or teach Jack.  It simply states her position.  As she opens her mouth to speak, she affirms that she can influence being treated as a beloved child of God.
  • It brings things into the light. Satan thrives in shoving things under the carpet.  While it can take so much courage for Janie to clearly state her ‘E,’ it is so worth it.  The Lord is a God of clarity.  He thrives in the light.

This clarity is critical, yet it is often the hardest.  Janie may think,

“Of course he knows what he’s doing is hurtful.  Who would talk to another person that way?”

The key is what we call ‘the last 10%.’  It is that last 10% of clarity that makes all the difference.  It can feel like stating the obvious.  It can feel like confirming what seems evident, yet often, it’s where the critical pieces of clarity lie.

Janie’s E gives the last 10% of her retreat.  Her brief, clear explanation gives the key Jack was missing in understanding what was going on.  It names the problem.  It calls it out.  And so much of a solution is accurately identifying the problem.

Stating that last 10% is hard.  Stating it clearly and directly takes determination.  It takes courage.  Yet don’t all problems worth solving?

photo purchased from 123rf.com

NOTE:  Janie of course is not responsible for Jack’s verbal abuse.  Even though it stinks to be put in an abusive situation, we are responsible for how we respond.  As in any situation, though we may not at all be responsible for the situation, we are responsible for how we respond to the situation.  As Janie comes to understand that the attacks she feels are caused by verbal abuse, she articulates that.  This gives Jack clarity and offers the possibility of direction towards solution.

Change that channel!

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I hope you are tempted to do that as you read this post.

I hope you’re tempted to jump into the story and change the channel!

It may create a bit of tension in you.  I hope you’ll agree with me that the poignancy of that tension is valuable.  I’ve tried to think of a different scenario that makes this point as meaningfully, but I think the discomfort of today’s situation serves its intent well.  I’ll try to make the point delicately.  It illumines the reason this is all so important and why I am so passionate about interrupting.

watching the bokeh channel

Let’s say that for some crazy reason, you are set before a TV that you must watch.  This is a really unusual circumstance in which you can’t change the channel, and you can’t get up and leave.  You’re stuck watching what is on.  And what is on is not anywhere close to G-rated.

You try to protect yourself from what your senses are taking in.  You close your eyes to avert them from the adult-only content… that even though you are an adult, you don’t think you should be watching. You sing songs and hymns to fill your mind and ears with good stuff.  Even though you can’t sing.  Out of tune, you sing away!  You recite Scripture to enliven your heart with true love and God-inspired emotions.  You think about things that honor and please the Lord, and you pray and pray and pray for His protection, strength, and supernatural distillation of your senses.

In a far from ideal situation, you make the most of protecting yourself from things your eyes and ears shouldn’t take in.  And in all, the Lord is gracious to protect you from allowing it to influence you.

Now slight change of the situation.  Let’s say now that you are set down in front of the same movie that you for some crazy reason must watch.  But this time you are told to pay close attention, because even though the content of the movie is adult-only, it has a valuable life message to it.

How would that change how you watch it?

You’re now not in full protection mode.  You’re in kind of a moderately guarded growth mode.  You keep an eye out for the inappropriate things you should bat away, but you watch it differently now.  You take it in differently.  You look for the message you can apply to your life.  You’re open to the movie in a different way because you’re open to being taught by it.  You’re open to growing from it.  You hope the images you  see and the sounds you hear and the ideas that enter your head won’t linger, but the stuff you see feels like it’s lingering.  It’s burning images in your brain.  You kind of cringe or feel like you should get up.  But there is a valuable life message here, you keep telling yourself.  I should keep watching and hear it out.  I should learn from it.

How successful do you think that would be?

Do you think you could guard yourself against the inappropriate visuals and sounds and feelings and thoughts in the same way as you could in the first scenario?

I was on the elliptical one day listening to an audiobook, and it stopped me in my tracks.  I nearly tripped on the elliptical.  It wasn’t my most graceful moment ever, but it was insightful.

The author was talking about our cells and how they grow.  He scientifically explained that our cells are either in growth or protection mode.  Environmental signals can be

  • Innocuous (harmless, innocent), in which case there is little response or impact on our cells
  • Growth oriented, in which case we move towards it and take it in
  • Protection oriented, in which case we move away from it and close down or wall off

Our cells can not react to the environmental signal, can take something in and grow, or can move away and protect.  His conclusion about our cells was enlightening for me:  Cells cannot be in growth and protection mode at the same time. They can grow, or they can protect.  But if our cells mistake something they should protect themselves against for a growth-oriented environment, they end up opening themselves up more to the destruction.  When they should be walling off, they instead take it in.

So destruction that looks like it might be growth-oriented, comes from a source that should be growth-oriented, claims to be growth-oriented, or is confounded with growth-oriented things is actually *more* destructive than just plain ol’ destruction.  We open ourselves up to it differently. Instead of moving away from it, we open ourselves to it.  It gets in us differently.  It has an open ticket to enter our hearts and minds.  And though we desire to distill it the same, it actually masks itself more insidiously as it waltzes in.  It grazes by us as we focus on finding the ‘valuable life lesson’ and lodges in unassumedly.

If you’re anything like me, you may think you can separate the two.  You may so want to learn whatever the Lord has to teach you, and you may have had some experiences where you’ve been strong under destructive pressure.  While your desire is honorable, and while I celebrate with you the victories you’ve had, I strongly believe two things:

1.  Our God is not designed that way.  He doesn’t bury the good in the evil.  He is all good, and He is the ultimate Teacher.  He can and will teach you in a way that is all good.

2.  We are not designed that way.  I implore you – for your good! – learn from the cells God created.  Do not open yourself for growth in an environment in which you should be protecting yourself.  You were not created to work that way. 

So when you’re sitting there thinking, “I wish I could change the channel,” do!  Quit listening to whatever someone is saying ‘just in case the Lord has something He wants to teach you.’  You are not designed to be in growth and protection mode at the same time.  It will deaden you in surreptitious ways.

Protect your mind and your heart.  Interrupt their ‘broadcast,’ and change that channel!

photo credit: Robert S. Donovan

What’s your Moo?

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It was one of those ‘flying high’ days.

Mindy was just on top of the clouds.  She loved the Lord, and like love goes, some days you know it… some days you feel it… and some days you just can’t contain it.

This was one of those ‘just can’t contain it’ days.  On steroids.

123rf woman jumping

As she drove to work, she stopped at a stop light.  She just had this feeling if someone were crossing in the cross walk, she wouldn’t be able to stop herself.  She was pretty sure she’d roll down her window and share her joy.  She wanted to shout from the rooftops!  What would she say?  “Jesus rocks my world!”  That’s pretty corny.  She chuckled.  She was in an effervescent mood, and she just couldn’t contain it.

This was going to be a great day.

She rounded into the parking lot and walked into church where she was the administrative assistant… or ‘skipped into the church’ may actually be more like it!

As she put her things away and got settled to start her work day, the associate pastor asked him if he could talk with her.  Gladly!

She went into his office, and he shared,

“Mindy, I’m really concerned about you.  You aren’t passionate about the Lord.  And that greatly troubles me.”

Huh?

She sat there.

Stunned.

Was this a joke?  Was she in a dream?  Wait… wasn’t she flying high a few seconds ago?  She didn’t know where to begin or what to think.  She was perplexed.

She racked her brain.  What led to this?  She actually couldn’t think of a time when he had ever asked her about her relationship with the Lord or how her quiet times were.  Where was this coming from?  Why it was being handled this way?  She couldn’t figure out how he arrived at such a bizarre conclusion.

Her mind was a jumbled mess of bewilderment.  Should she seek to understand his thinking?  It’s clearly so wrong; it doesn’t seem valuable to hear his reasoning.  Does she tell her pastor he’s wrong?  She doesn’t think that will lead any place helpful.  Need she defend her relationship with the Lord to anyone ~ especially her pastor?  Uck.  She hated this feeling.  She felt almost betrayed.

As she sat there in such a stunned stupor trying to figure out what in the world to say, he continued,

“And the fact that you’re not saying anything tells me you don’t even care.”

Wow.

She didn’t think she could be more stunned.  She was wrong.

My heart breaks for Mindy.  It grieves me when believers take each other down.  Mindy had been flying high in the Lord.  Then {pow}.  From the most unlikely direction, she feels disheartened and crushed.

My heart also breaks for her pastor.   There seems to be some confusion about what is helpful, constructive feedback.  This is not.  To presume to know the thoughts and motives of a person and to negatively characterize them is not the role of a pastor.  Or of any believer.

What could Mindy have done?  What should she have said?

She could have thrown PIES!  : )

The first step is simply to pray.  If nothing else, say, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”
The second is to interrupt.  Stop the madness.

What should she have said?

Frankly, it doesn’t matter.  Apart from attacking back, most anything works:

“Excuse me.”
“Please stop.”
“I am going to interrupt.”

Simply open her mouth and speak.

“Exercise sound biblical authority.  [The enemy] wants to make us feel like we are unable to express ourselves, but it is a lie.  It is a bluff.  Open your mouth and speak.  Believe and speak.  Believe and speak.”  ~ Beth Moore, Believing God

As Mindy begins to realize it is not acceptable before the Lord for someone to speak to His daughter this way, she starts to recognize such talk as actually a pretty big term: abuse.  Such false accusations help the false accuser of the brethren.  And that is detestable to the Lord.  He does not agree with it nor want Mindy to be treated that way.  Her next step is to stop the destruction with interruption.

She believes who she truly is in the Lord and who we are to be as the Body in Him, and she recognizes this pastor’s comments are not honoring to the Lord.  So standing on rock solid truth, she can exercise sound biblical authority.  For the health of the kingdom, she speaks.

“Stop.”

Is that what she should say?  Is it rude?

It is right.

“Don’t picture the invisible audience around you – picture the cross in front of you.  You’re stepping out before the Lord, not before people.”

It is the Lord we desire to please.  And stopping his people from verbally abusing pleases Him.

As good ol’ Boundaries reminds us,

“Many times you will feel mean when you were not.”

In actuality, allowing abuse is mean!

“Evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it.”

Stop the destruction with interruption.

As you’ve followed {double hockey sticks} and become adept at recognizing abuse in the kingdom, I encourage you to think of your ‘interrupt’ word or phrase.  Your Interrupting Cow ”moo!”  What will you say to interrupt?  What will you say when you recognize verbal abuse towards you, or when you want to interrupt it from happening to someone else?  Say it out loud.

“Stop.”
“Excuse me.”
“No.”
“That’s not ok.”

Whatever it’s going to be, have it ready.  So when the cat’s got your tongue, you’re ready to stop the destruction with your interruption!

photo purchased from 123rf.com

How to Respond to Insults

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I so want to reflect Christ.

Yet sometimes, I get it utterly wrong.

Sometimes it is not for lack of trying; it is misapplying. Misunderstanding God’s teaching and thus incorrectly living out His Word.

Sometimes though my heart desires to honor the Lord, my head misleads me in what that looks like.

And this one got me good.

throw rock

I used to think I was following Christ’s example:

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. ~ 1 Peter 2:23

When I used to get insults hurled at me, I used to think this was how I was supposed to respond. As Christ did. He said nothing.

“But you work at a church!” you say. “What do you mean that you’d get insults hurled at you? That must be such a nice place to work.”

{smile}

That’s the most common response I get when I tell people I work at a church, “Oh, how nice.” Or “that must be nice.” It seems to conjure up images of us all sitting around in a circle singing Kumbaya.

But as many of those who work in a church know, it is really the frontlines of spiritual battle. When our side is united and the Enemy is clear, oh what great victory and reason for singing! It is hard work yet so worth it.

But often, it is subtle mis-maneuvers that wreck our peaceful circle. I’ve shared my concern before about misguided feedback in the Body – when we critique things that God does not give us authority to critique. I am also learning that my response to such feedback has been very misguided.

One counselor’s response was especially helpful. I had the privilege of interacting with her in a seminary class I took. The Lord is so gracious to provide one wise phrase at times to totally change my perspective and my world. That day, he used her to do it.

I’d been taught to submit to others – that if people are in spiritual authority over you,

“submit…with all respect… to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God….if you suffer for doing good and endure it, this is commendable before God.” ~ 1 Peter 2:18-20

So I thought that is what I was supposed to do. If someone – especially a small group leader or a man in the church or whomever – was harsh, I thought I was supposed to endure. The text note in my Bible even says that while this passage refers to slaves and their masters, “Peter’s basic teachings on the subject may apply to employer-employee relations today.” The church is my place of employment, so I thought we were just supposed to endure. Christ remained silent when religious people hurled accusations at him. And I thought I was emulating Christ by doing the same.

After years of suffering, this wise woman offered such a simple rejoinder:

“That was unbelievers.”

It stopped me in my tracks.

It was unbelievers.

I’d made the parallel that it was religious people and leaders hurling insults at Jesus. But my parallel missed an important perpendicular; there was a tiny area of overlap, yet a huge convergence. Unbelievers hurled insults at Christ. Not believers. It was unbelievers to whom this response applies.

If you’ve been to seminary, you may know there can be some friendly teasing between majors. The Counseling people sometimes jest that the Biblical Studies people are, well, a bit too heady for the reality of the community of believers. The Biblical Studies people sometimes jest that the Counseling people are, well, a bit too much heart for the reality of the truth of Scripture. Yet that day, the worlds converged. This counseling TA spoke truth and biblical insight in three words that years of Bible teaching misconstrued for me.

“That was unbelievers.”

She was right.

Let’s back up a bit to context. The whole context of this passage is Peter’s challenging believers:

“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God…” ~ 1 Peter 2:9

He challenges us about how to live in this world that should feel foreign to us:

“Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world…” ~ 1 Peter 2:11

How do we interact among non believers?

“Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” ~ 1 Peter 2:12

Note the context: pagans. When *pagans* accuse us of doing wrong. He’s talking about the heathen world here. When pagans accuse you of doing wrong, let your life show that you are glorifying God. Responding to pagans is the context leading up to Christ’s example:

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. ~ 1 Peter 2:23

So if it is believers hurling insults at you, please do not fall for the misapplication I fell for. Please do not think the ‘Christ-like’ response is to sit there and quietly listen. It cripples the Body.

We are

like living stones…being built into a spiritual house to be a royal priesthood. ~ 1 Peter 2:5

If another ‘stone’ is attacking us, chipping away at our strength, and falsely characterizing our identity, what kind of messed up spiritual house are we building! If another ‘stone’ is hurling things at you, stop it by interrupting. It is not at all healthy for the strong spiritual house the Lord desires to build.

Instead, God’s desire is this:

“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God.” ~ 1 Peter 2:9-10

Please note that believers here are characterized as a holy nation. The word in Greek is ἔθνος. It is the same word used later for ‘pagans’ without the important ‘holy’ adjective in front of it. The context of this passage is living as foreigners – as a holy nation among the non-holy.

The context of this passage is *not* remaining silent when believers are saying untrue things about you. The context of this passage is *not* allowing living stones to think and speak deadening things. The context of this passage is *not* about enabling believers to share their dark thoughts about you who was called into Christ’s wonderful light. The context of this passage is *not* about enduring insults among believers in the kingdom of God.

Lest there be any remaining hesitation, please note specifically what it says about Christ’s response:

he did not retaliate… he made no threats.

Retaliate means he did not give abuse for abuse. In Greek, the root word is the same:

When they λοιδορέω-ed (hurled insults at him),
he did not λοιδορέω back (hurl insults back at them).

He did not respond to abuse by abusing them. He did not threaten them.

This is consistent with the response we advocate at {double hockey sticks}. When being a good steward of the selves God has given us, we protect against hurled insults to the person He has created us to be. Not an unintentional jab… and especially not an intentional one! The goal is to protect from the hurling and harm, not to hurl back.

Yet the truth remains: I was wrong. I was wrong for sitting silently and listening to the hurled insults of believers. While I do believe I entrusted myself to Him who judges justly, it was *not* commendable of me to bear up under the pain of unjust suffering at the hands of believers. It is not right to allow our holy nation to be darkened in that way, and it is not right to allow our living stone to cripple our spiritual house in that way. That is not the Christ-like way.

Silently listening to hurled insults is *not* the way to respond towards believers. I choose to stop the destruction through interruption! moo : )

I want to be a wide receiver

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I told my husband I want to be a wide receiver.

He had mixed reactions.

He loves football.  LOVES football.

But I’m not the greatest catcher ever.

Translation:  I can’t catch.  At all.

Hmmm…  perhaps therein lies my problem.

wide reciever

It was one of those 4 word days.  I don’t know what the deal is with me and 4 words, but I sure stumble on them a lot!

I was in Matthew, and this was the sentence:

Freely you have received, freely give.

As I started journaling about Jesus’ words, I realized I was changing them just a little.  God freely gives:

We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. ~ 1 Corinthians 2:12

…to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ~ Ephesians 1:6

That part I get.  God gives freely.

But that’s not the emphasis of this verse.  This verse has 4 important words:

Freely you have received.

God freely gives… but it goes further.  Am I receiving them?

Am I opening myself up to fully receive all that the Lord freely gives?

Am I embracing, living, and experiencing the fullness of his gifts?

Let’s take peace for example.

God gives peace.  Freely.  Undeservedly.  Completely.

He gives it.

But have I fully received it?

I desire to embrace it.

Dwell in it.

Live in it.

Enjoy it.

Delight in it.

Love it.

Be it.

His offer of peace is always there.  Yet sometimes I forget to receive it.

Or I receive it in morsels.  Like a little Nerds piece of candy.

But God is a God of lavish abundance.  He isn’t just handing out one little Nerd.  He’s doling out peace in lavish abundance.  His peace ~ the peace of the almighty, eternal, everlasting God.  The peace that lives fully inside us through the Holy Spirit.  The complete peace of Christ.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  ~ John 14:27

Sometimes I forget this.  Sometimes I forget to open myself to His lavish abundance and fully embrace and receive His everlasting peace.  Sometimes I forget to be a wide receiver.

Yet there is so much joy in being intentional to receive widely!

1 ~ We get the fullness of the gift. 

This is perhaps the most obvious.  Receive widely, and you get the fullness of the gift.

Let’s take love as an example.  God loves you.  That’s a simple truth, right?  We’re not talking here about knowing the truths.  We’re talking about owning them and experiencing in your core the lavish abundance of love that God has given you.  Fully experiencing it.  Fully receiving it.  Resting in it.  Imagining His saying to you that He loves you.  That you are precious to Him.  Receiving His love.  Filling your core with its fullness.  Dwelling in it.  Experiencing it.  Enjoying it.

That’s the abundance of being a wide receiver.

2 ~ We get to play an important role.

According to good ol’ Wikipedia,

“A wide receiver is an offensive position in American and Canadian football, and is the key player in most of the passing plays.”

A wide receiver is the key player in many offensive moves.  He – or she! – is key in advancing the team towards the goal line.

What is true here in American and Canadian football also happens to be true in the kingdom of God!

Being a wide receiver of the gifts, blessings, and abundance God so freely offers fills you with the Lord.  It enlivens the Holy Spirit inside of you.  You become more fully alive – more fully alive of the Lord, in the Lord… and for the Lord!  You become a key player.

All by receiving widely all He has to offer.

His Word.

His Truth.

His salvation.

His peace.

His love.

His joy.

…just to name a few.

That’s the usefulness of being a wide receiver.

3 ~ We get to give freely!

After I get past those 4 words, I get to the rest of the sentence:

Freely you have received, freely give.

We give freely because we have received freely. When we receive freely, it is easy to give freely. It’s almost natural. It oozes. There is a momentum to pay it forward.

Jumping to the ‘freely give’ too quickly can sometimes make it hard, exhausting, or simply worldly.  But as we receive God’s abundant goodness freely, oh we are enlivened to give freely!

If you’re struggling to give or feeling not generous, that may be guidance from the Lord on the direction He wants you to go.  Yet it may also be a result of not freely receiving.  It may not be about beating ourselves up that we’re selfish or not generous or whatever.  The true root may be that we’re not fully experiencing all the Lord has to give.

When we receive freely, we are poised to give freely.  We get to experience the joy of giving.  Its life.  Its vitality.  Its blessing when it’s truly a response to receiving the lavishness of the Lord.

That’s the overflow of being  a wide receiver.

What would you like to be intentional to receive more fully?

I invite you to choose something today that the Lord gives that you’d like to receive more fully.  His peace.  Grace.  Joy.  Love.  The presence of His Holy Spirit.

This isn’t about beating yourself up.  Sure, confess that you haven’t fully embraced what the Lord gives.  Confess that He gives freely, yet you perhaps have not been receiving freely.  Then be free.  Receive it.  Catch it.  Reach out, and take it with your hand.  Lay hold of it.  Experience it.  Enjoy it.

If you’ve been in a difficult place in life, in the midst of conflict, in abusive situations, in places where you’ve needed to protect yourself, if you’ve been hurt by someone you trusted, this can be hard.

And I am so sorry for that.

We can get in a mode of protecting ourselves, kind of hunched with our hands up to block.  We can sometimes forget that while it is good to keep the bad out, we’ve got to open ourselves wide to let the good in.

Yet I encourage you: Try today.  Choose something you’d like to reach out and receive that the Lord gives.  Try to peel back that protective layer around your heart, ask Him to help you do it, and invite Him and His gift in.  He is all good.  And He desires to fill you full with His love.

Experience it today.  Let it nourish and strengthen you.  Enjoy the journey as it becomes fully alive in you.

God gives.  So much.

What will you widely receive?

photo credit: Erik Daniel Drost

6 More Ways to Increase your Joy!

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___________________________________

A grammar lesson?  I thought we were talking about joy!  I don’t consider grammar very joyful : )

Fair point.  But I think you may find this insight valuable.  It’s from my favorite book on joy, Champagne for the Soul by Mike Mason.

“The Lord cares more about adverbs than verbs.”

He wants us to serve him joyfully… to give cheerfully.  So to increase our joy, it may be that we need to add a few ‘-ly’s to our journey.  Like these…

1.  Be joyful completely!

“Joy is not halfhearted; completeness is one of its marks. Indeed completeness marks every good gift from above.  Why be partly free if I can be ‘free indeed’ (John 8:36)?”

The Lord is a big fan of completeness – He desires us to rejoice in Him always (Philippians 4:4; 1 Thessalonians 5:16), to always have hope (Psalm 71:14), to always give thanks (Ephesians 5:20).

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  ~ John 15:11

He desires for His joy to be in us… that our joy may be *complete*!  It must occupy every nook and cranny.  What is keeping you from being completely joyful?

“Joy will not compete for long with doubts, denials, excuses, compromises.  Either the doubts must go, or joy goes.  Joy wants all or nothing. “

Why?  I love this:

“Joy is bent on covering the whole earth with the glory of God.”

2.   Be joyful intentionally!

“To accept joy as a commandment is to admit that it doesn’t come to one effortlessly but requires the cooperation of the will to achieve.”

Isn’t that true of most any command in Scripture?  We have commands for the things for which we need to train our bodies.  And how fun is it to train for joy!  So we throw off or give to the Lord anything that weighs us down from His fullness in our lives.

“The heart lifts as all that weighs it down is sacrificed.  If I want to be happy in Jesus, I must begin by setting aside all other goals.”

What would those be for you?

“Joy requires single-mindedness.”

This is classic Mike Mason imagery (I told you I was giving a type A take on his inspirations! : ))…

“Imagine yourself in a meadow gathering wildflowers-violets, let’s say.  There are other flowers in the meadow, but you have eyes only for the purple violets.  When you’re finished, do you have a fistful of stones or twigs or grasses?  No, you have a bouquet of violets.”

As we expect it and develop a habit of looking for it, we’ll see the Lord’s glory increasingly… perhaps in some of the most unexpected places!

“Every day joy waits to be gathered.”

3.    Be joyful always!

Some days do just seem dreary.  So how in the world do we rejoice always?  I like Mike’s take:

“If you’re having the sort of day that rates a two out of ten, why not make it the best possible two?”

If we’re suffering, we might as well seek to do it well!  It’s all about the adverbs, right? : )

And the results may actually delight you…

“In reaching for the top of the two, I’ve often been surprised to find my hand closing around ten.”

4.   Stand firmly against sin that so easily entangles.

Notice the adverb in this chunk of Hebrews 12:1:

sin that so easily entangles

It often isn’t the ‘huge, enormous’ sins that catch us; for many of us, it’s not murder or sacrificing to Baal that confronts us regularly.  It’s the ones that *easily* entangle us.  Like when someone cuts us off on the road.  Or when the automatic snow blower breaks down and we lose our patience.  Or when we give in to our holiday temptations.  What are the things that easily entangle you?

I know they seem small.  But remember – the Lord wants us to be joyful *completely*!  Taking a little chip away inhibits that completeness.  Don’t underestimate the small victories in your life over the seemingly insignificant temptations.  Stand firmly for complete joy!

5.    Embrace problems courageously.

Sometimes we can see problems as an enemy of joy.  But that’s not the case in Scripture – they are actually intertwined.  Paul talks intensely of both:

  • “sorrowful yet always rejoicing” (2 Corinthians 6:10)
  • “in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds” (2 Corinthians 7:4)
  • “full of joy” (Romans 16:19) and “great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart” (Romans 9:2)

It is possible to be joyful in our suffering.  We will suffer, but misery is optional.

How can we be joyful in our suffering?

“Scripture doesn’t separate joy and suffering; they’re held together by perseverance.” (Romans 5:3)

Instead of seeing problems as the problem, we persevere through them…remembering our adverbs! : ) We don’t persevere begrudgingly, but courageously:

“Wishing problems away is a sure recipe for bringing them on.  The devil smells this weakness in us, this reluctance to fight, and moves in swiftly for the kill.  It’s much harder for him to attack those who, knowing they’ll emerge victorious, are willing to take on anything.”

In Christ, we are victorious.  Christ can take on anything.  As we live in Him,

“Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17

Amen!!

6.    Above all, pursue God.

“In our pursuit of happiness, it isn’t happiness alone we pursue but the God of happiness.”

God is the heart, source, essence, and entirety of joy!

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” ~ Psalm 90:14

Joy results from being satisfied in God’s unfailing love.  God “has given us everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3)… especially his unfailing love!

I pray you and I will carve out some time to rest in Him, reflect on the ways we’re satisfied in Him, and experience the complete joy He offers this holiday season!

photo purchased from 123rf.com

A new kind of intelligence

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The people at our church I just *love.*  They are an amazing community.  So many wonderful faces are coming to mind as I type this.

So one of my favorite things to do is stand in the lobby and greet people as they come to church.  It is seriously like a dose of happiness to see so many just amazing people come in one after another.  And it’s fun to be available to help and serve.

So one day I’m hanging out in the lobby and in walks two pairs: a woman with her friend and a wife with her husband.  The way our lobby is structured, as soon as you walk in, it’s kind of like a Y – you have to veer either to the right or the left.  So I greet them, and the wife with her husband veers to the left.  I can hear her say to him, “Oh!  She is always so warm and welcoming.”  Super nice, right?

Simultaneously, the lady with her friend veer the other direction, and I hear her say to her friend, “Oh!  She is so fake.”

(Yes, I can hear what you say in the lobby : ))

Interesting, huh?

Now I’m no psychology expert, but I think it’s kind of hard to be simultaneously Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I’m guessing there are at least some times in my life where I am warm and welcoming, and there are other times when I’m really trying hard to muster up the love.  But simultaneously?

Ok, so it’s kind of a small story and kind of a small ‘conflict.’  But it highlights a very important question for this blog:  Why are we spending so much time in a website about conflict talking about all the true, noble, admirable stuff?  Why do we keep talking about what we *think*, and not how we resolve conflict?

For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6:45

Or their new translation,

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

If the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure (and it is! : ) James 3:17), we best be sure we’re pure before we go confront someone.  And that includes thinking things that are admirable.

There are a few specific ways that this Luke 6:45 concept affects us, others view of us, and our relationships.  Thinking – or not thinking! – things that are admirable is so valuable in relationships!

#1 – TRAIT TRANSFERENCE: It reflects who we are.

There is a quote that I’ve loved since I was little.  I’m not sure exactly where it came from, and weirdly, I can’t find it on the internet.  Who knew there was something that couldn’t be found on the internet!?! : )  It goes like this,

What you say about a person says more about you than about them.

But we’re talking about *them*!  Yes, but we’re talking about *them* through *your* lens.  What we’re really seeing is your perspective.  What we’re really seeing is a better look at your lens.  What we’re really hearing from your mouth is a glimpse of your heart – affected by their actions, sure.  But *interpreted* by your heart.

Psychology seems to have found this Luke 6:45 concept reflected in relationships:

In “trait transference,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you.  If you describe a coworker as brilliant and charismatic, or arrogant and obnoxious, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities.

People seem to sort of naturally apply the qualities we characterize others with to us.  It seems it is sort of natural for people to recognize that what our mouth speaks reflects the overflow of our heart.

#2 – FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR: It affects our relationships.

So here’s something interesting on that whole perspective.  I was reading Patrick Lencioni’s The Advantage – a business leadership book, nonetheless, with this helpful psychology tidbit.  It says we can often be guilty of the fundamental attribution error:

Intentions or personalities are the reason other people do wrong things.
Environmental factors are the reason I do wrong things.

So when someone does something differently from how we think it should be done, or when they do something wrong, or when we feel like they are rubbing us the wrong way, we tend to assume it is because of their intentions or personality.  We say it is because they are fake or selfish or uncaring or whatever.  We tend to categorize and characterize.  But if we do something that is a little off, we tend to explain it by saying we were tired and trying our best, or we made the best decision given the circumstances.

Doing this is dangerous:

This kind of misattribution breaks down trust on a team

It breaks down trust in relationships.  Yuck.  But we can avoid this by applying #3!

#3 – EMPATHIC INTELLIGENCE: It affects our reasoning and intelligence!

But the ability to avoid it is divine!  In fact, apparently it’s a type of intelligence.  Who knew?  It’s called “Empathic Intelligence,” or the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes.  So that’s the ‘smart’ term for it.  The ‘cute’ term for it is “shoe-shifting” : ).  An article in Psychology Today says that

the ability to put yourself in the other guy’s shoes is a fundamental skill of extraordinary power.

We simply try to stand in their shoes.  By doing so, we gain a fundamental skill of extraordinary power.  Psychology Today argues that this skill has proven important in major decisions, such as the Cuban Missile Crisis!  We might as well start practicing small now, right?

So fake or warm?  Ultimately that’s for the Lord to decide.  What is for me to decide is whether or not I will choose to think admirable thoughts about others.  In doing so, we can avoid the fundamental attribution error, and we avoid breaking down trust in relationships.  Instead, we honor the Lord by thinking and saying things that are of good report, not inauspicious, and implying essential worthiness.  We honor ourselves, our thought-life, the other person, our relationships – and our Lord! – by thinking things that are admirable!

photo credit: John E. Simon

A Beautiful Restoration

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We’re hanging out with Job, and we mentioned last post,

“Job actually was right.  And they are wrong.”

I want to delve into that a little more deeply…

Job’s friends were not just wrong – they were really, really wrong!!  The Lord called their perceptions of Job and his relationship with the Lord ‘folly’ and expressed that he was ‘angry’ with them.  So he asks them to make a sacrifice,

“So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.”  ~ Job 42:8

There are two things that I just love about how God commands this restoration.  The first is about the dynamics of the offering…

God asks the friends to sacrifice a burnt offering:

“A burnt offering was the complete destruction of the animal (except for the hide) in an effort to renew the relationship between the Holy God and sinful man.”

Note it is *the friends* who need to renew their relationship with the Lord.  They thought Job was in the wrong for dozens of chapters… but really, it was their perception of Job and the Lord that was wrong.  So much so that they need to offer a sacrifice and renew their relationship with God.

“[A burnt offering] was a sacrifice of general atonement—an acknowledgement of the sin nature and a request for renewed relationship with God.”

It is interesting that a burnt offering is described in Leviticus 1 as a single animal — ‘a’ male or ‘the’ bull.  At the important celebration of Passover, the burnt offering is two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs (Numbers 28:19).  Now we can’t pretend to know God’s thinking behind the number of animals, but I do find it intriguing that Job’s friends were told to sacrifice more than that.  Not just ‘a’ burnt offering.  And more than what is sacrificed at Passover.  They were told to sacrifice 14 animals in total!

I also find it interesting that they were told to go ‘to my servant Job’ to sacrifice the animals.  The Lord doesn’t say just to sacrifice them.  He doesn’t offer another person to serve as the priest.  Instead, he tells them to go to Job to sacrifice the animals!  After Job’s repentance, it seems that the Lord may be either affirming Job as a high priest-type role (cf Job 1:5), or He is emphasizing the importance of the friends’ repentance both to Job and to the Lord, or both.  The Lord affirms Job and seeks to restore all the relationships – between friends and with their God.

So that’s the first thing I love: the picture of the friends’ sacrifice to the Lord being offered to Job.  It seems to offer such a beautiful illustration of forgiving the friends just as God forgives them!  It conveys such a tight depiction of the relational dynamics: restoring the Job-friends relationship just as God will restore the God-friends relationship.

Here’s the second thing I love…

Job also has an important role in all of this:

“My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.”  ~ Job 42:8

Humility of all humility, God chooses not to treat the friends ‘according to their folly’ because Job will pray for them.  The one they’ve been critiquing, the one to whom they’ve been saying false things about him and his perception of God – he will intervene for them – he will be obedient to the Lord – so that the Lord will not deal with his false accusers according to their folly.

This is likely valuable for Job as well.  I love that the Lord seems to account for what He instructs millennia later:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  ~ Ephesians 4:31-32

I just love this!  Job has a role in the friends’ repentance: praying for them.  If it were me, this role would help me be sure to rid of any bitterness that is there, may be unbeknownst there, or that may creep in.  It would help me act with compassion towards my friends and be sure I have forgiven them.

I just love the restoration dynamics that the Lord puts together.  What a beautiful illustration of forgiving friends just as God forgives them!

If you’re in a similar Job-friends struggle in your life, may I encourage you that you are not alone.  In fact, you are in company throughout the ages. Job was a contemporary of Abraham - the book of Job takes place chronologically in Genesis!  We’ve got the creation of the world, Adam and Eve, Noah and the flood, Tower of Babel, then Abraham and Job.  So early human history is filled with chapters of friends falsely characterizing a godly person and his motives.  This is not new territory.

So maybe it should be all the more poignant for us.  We see from early in history what Satan does and the destruction he causes.  We see from early on whose team we can choose to help as a person’s friends.  That choice is an age-old question.  As is its answer!

A special thanks to lightharmony.com for today’s fantastic picture!