Tag Archives: fight

Pillow Fight!!

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Occasionally I get asked if I am going to talk about the value of adding “I feel…” and other softeners before statements to help confrontation be more palatable.

Your wish is my command!  Yet I owe you a heads up – my take has a bit of a twist to it.  This may go in a different direction than you typically hear…

Playful Couple Having a Pillow Fight

I was talking with my husband about some of these statements, and his response well captured my concern.

Let’s take this statement as an example:

“You have a hateful heart.”

What if we put “I feel” in front of that?

“I feel like you have a hateful heart.”

Does that soften it and make it more palatable?  This was my husband’s response.  I just love it!

“That’s like putting ‘I feel’ in front of a loaded machine gun.”

A loaded machine gun.

Yikes.

I call things like ‘I feel’ and ‘I perceive’ and ‘I think’ pillows.  Putting them around loaded machine guns may disguise the gun a bit, but the gun is still destructive.

Remember, presuming to know a person’s thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them is verbal abuse.  Putting pillows around it simply makes it a negative characterization with a pillow.  It doesn’t fundamentally change the nature of the characterization. The words still have the power to “pierce like swords” (Proverbs 12:18).  They still have the potential to “destroy [our] neighbors” (Proverbs 11:9).

And in fact, they may actually be more destructive.  Crazy, right?  When someone seems calm and talks in a caring voice and puts ‘I feel’ or some other ‘pillow’ in front of their statement, the blow doesn’t seem as obvious.  Verbal abuse seems easier to identify if someone is raging and yelling.  Yet a seemingly calm, caring, ‘I feel’ conversation can easily be filled with verbal abuse.  Because it appears less destructive, because it seems like it might be an ‘I feel’ statement, we may be tricked into believing we should entertain destructive thoughts.  They sneak in unawares as we seek to understand what is actually abusive thinking.  Those sneaky rascals can be so insidious!  Disguising the blow may actually – ironically – make it *more* destructive.

Crazy.

Remember,

A fool does not delight in understanding,
But only in revealing his own mind.
~ Proverbs 18:2

Putting ‘I perceive’ or ‘I think’ in front of a ‘you’ statement does not make one not a fool. In fact – and this is quite a twist! – it may actually be a trigger that ’delighting in airing his mind’ is just what he is doing.

Yet helping people be fools is not our passion.

Putting feathers around machine guns is not our passion.

Pillows are not our passion.

Our passion is fundamentally changing the way that we think about and approach others.  Because it keeps relationships clean and healthy.  Because it is filled with life and vitality.  Because it works. Because it avoids verbal abuse. Because it is what the Lord desires.  Because it honors Him.  Because it keeps from destroying fellow believers.  Because it keeps from helping the devil.  Because it keeps believers strong to do the Lord’s work.  Because it builds God’s kingdom.  Because it makes His kingdom more attractive to those not yet in it!  Because it is more attractive.  Because it is of the Lord.

And that’s worlds better than a pillow!

the most *lovely* marriage tip

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One of the best pieces of advice we got before we got married has been so helpful to keep our thoughts lovely – and far from intent on criticism.  It went something like this:

Beware of the things you love most about your spouse –
those are the things Satan will use to drive you crazy!

The guy who gave us the tip told us this story…

couple in convertible sports carOne of the things he loves most about his wife is how expressive she is.  She can articulate herself well, enjoys telling stories, is always full of ideas, and is never at a loss for conversation.  He just adores this about her.  She is so fun to listen to!

…until they took a cross country road trip : )

Her stories were great on the east coast.  They had some laughs through the Appalachians and towards Elvis territory.  As they hit the Mississippi, she was still talking!!  He began to wonder how big that area was that Lewis and Clark explored – hopefully small!  Passing through the corn fields of the Midwest, he began to think (hope!) that surely she was running out of words.  But no luck!  He was starting to go a little crazy.  How could one person have so many words?  He tossed her his cell phone and pleaded, “Call someone.  Anyone!  Please” : )

It was the very thing he adored about her that was driving him insane about her!  But he was able to keep from being intent on criticism by remembering that her expressiveness is (in general : )) one of her most lovely attributes.  He’s just got to watch it that he doesn’t allow Satan to use it against them.

Being aware of this was so helpful for me when my husband and I got married.  One of the things I just adore about my husband is his intentionality.  He is a committed friend, a faithful husband, and a consistent man of prayer.  He is reliable as can be, steady and rock solid (physically, too : )- ).  He is faithful because he is intentional – he considers carefully to what and to whom he will commit.  Then when he says he’ll do something, you can count on it.

I am a woman of action. I tend to have lots of ideas, and I like to make them all happen – now : ).  So his intentionality I love.  But intentionality sounds like this:

Me:  I have an idea.
Husband: Really?  That’s unusual.  (wryly)
Me: [whatever the idea is]
Husband:  That’s worth thinking about.

So there I am – kind of stuck at the starting gate, raring to go.  And he’s, well, thinking about it.  Me, in action mode…and him, sitting.  Me, almost off and running…and him, deciding.  Tension just waiting to be tested.

But the Lord is faithful to bring to mind wise words from our friend:

Beware of the things you love most about your spouse –
those are the things Satan will use to drive you crazy!

I love his intentionality, so I’ve got to love all of it!  His faithfulness comes as a result of consideration and taking time to make decisions.  So if I love his faithfulness, I’ve got to love the whole faithfulness package – including the deciding, praying, and considering!

And if I’d admit it, it’s good for me, too.  My husband is kind of like a governor for me.  He kind of helps regulate me and keeps me from running myself into the ground, which I desperately need!  Ultimately, it’s helpful.  But at the time… well… I’m glad to have this reminder to help me see it that way!

a Big. Ol’. Mess.

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Ok, so we’re taking thoughts captive and trying to follow Philippians 4:8.  But what does this have to do with conflict?

I’m so glad you asked. : )

It’s certainly for our good and for God’s glory that we seek to become more like Christ… including thinking the things of Christ.  But it’s also good for the kingdom… because it’s good for our relationship with others.

Let’s say I’m thinking something about someone else.  I’m pretty convinced I’m viewing them accurately and seeing this fault of theirs accurately.  But is that how Christ sees it?  That’s what matters.  If Christ sees it differently, well then, either He is right or I am right.

I’m placing my bet on the former!

So if my thoughts about someone else are not obedient to Christ and I choose to confront them with my thoughts, well, I’m creating a big ol’ mess. 

But Christ has a better plan (of course he does! : )).  In 2 Corinthians 10:5, not only are we to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ, but we are also to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God.  Arguments and every pretension are also translated speculations, imaginations, lofty things.  That first word practically leapt off the page at me!  Speculations.

How often do we speculate?  We speculate that someone does something for a certain reason.  We speculate that their motive is this sin or that sin.  We think we have a valid argument about our speculations of their actions.  And we believe that our speculations are accurate.  In fact, we become so convinced that our speculations are accurate that they aren’t even speculations – they become ‘true.’

No wonder Paul talks about these speculations and arguments in verse 4 as strongholds!  Can you imagine the stronghold these things have on relationships when we are so convinced an inaccurate motive or perception of another person is accurate? Even more, imagine the stronghold these thoughts have on us as we so firmly believe something that isn’t what God believes.

No matter how convinced we are that our speculations are accurate, if they aren’t consistent with Christ’s, we are not just inaccurate.  No, we have set ourselves up against the knowledge of God.  Yikes!  We are in opposition to God’s view.  Yikes!  We are in opposition to God.  Yikes, yikes, yikes!

So if we confront a perceived-as-wrong friend with something that is not in line with what Christ thinks, we are not only setting ourselves up in opposition to our friend, but we are also setting ourselves in opposition to God.  That is, indeed, a Big. Ol’. Mess.

How to never have a fight

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I’m serious here.  I think.  I’m starting to think it’s possible to never have a fight.

I’ve worked on church staff for 10 years.  Half of the time, I worked with young adult women’s small groups — one thousand women doing life together.  I got to watch 100+ little microcosms of communities — what made them tick, and what made them tick…tick…tick…{explode!}.

I’ve been a part of several ongoing conflict situations.  (Satan loves to do that to church staff people!) And I’ve gotten to observe my husband over 8 years of marriage – he is a master peacemaker.

There seem to be a couple of things in common with most every conflict situation I’ve been a part of.  It may seem simplistic to boil down all conflict to a couple of things — or especially one.  But sometimes I think God is pretty simple.  “Follow me” is His salvation message to many of his disciples.  That simple — “follow me.”

So what’s my simplistic thought about how to never have a fight?  It seems to boil down to Philippians 4:8:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Really?  That’s it?

Well… yeah.

I hate to leave you hanging, but I have been pondering this for years… and this post could get crazy long.  So I’d love to leave you with a challenge to try it.  Try thinking through and applying this verse to a frustrating person or situation.

And check back — I’ll unpack it more and apply it to different scenarios.  I won’t leave you hanging for long. : )