Tag Archives: confronting

Backing up a bit

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You know that noise you hear when construction equipment backs up?  That beep, beep, beep.  Or if you have a Prius like we do, when your Prius backs up?  Beep, beep, beep.

The man who invented that goes to our church, so every time I hear it or think of backing up, I think of him.

This post is for you, Mark!

construction truck

We’ve talked about things to do if we’d like someone to be more vulnerable:

And things not to do!

  • Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
  • Critiquing them for not sharing
  • Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
  • Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
  • Blaming them

But what if we’re trying all these things, and they aren’t ‘working’?  What if they still aren’t being ‘vulnerable’?

If you feel like you’ve tried some of our investments to no avail, it’s worth backing up a bit. What do we mean by ‘be more vulnerable’?  What is it we really want of them?  What is it exactly that we’re looking for?

It’s valuable to clarify the goal, because our goal may actually be the problem.  Our definition of ‘vulnerable’ may truly be what’s creating the conundrum.  Backing up to redefine it may be our solution.

If we want to know their hurts and hopes and dreams (if they have/know them), then the above relational investments often land us right where we’re hoping to be.

But we should check ourselves.  Are any of these our goal?

  • Is our goal for them to ‘open up’ by sharing their critiques and complaints?
  • Is our goal for them to ‘vent’ by sharing their frustrations about other people?
  • Is our goal for them to share a struggle… because what they are going through would be a struggle for us?

If any of those hint at our hopes, our expectations may actually be the problem.  Our definition of ‘vulnerable’ may actually be the problem.

  • Remember, the Lord asks us to do everything without complaining.  Not complaining is a godly thing!
  • The Lord says that a fool vents.  Not being a fool is a godly thing!
  • And perhaps, indeed, the Lord’s plan in their life doesn’t make any sense – they’d even agree to that! – but perhaps they trust what He’s up to.  Perhaps they trust and are at peace with the Lord’s plan for their life.  *We* may not be at peace about it!  But they may be.

We’ve got to be wise that in our desire for them to be ‘vulnerable,’ we aren’t actually prodding them towards complaining… venting… or discontent.  Our goal is of course not to instigate worry where there is not any; it is simply to discover if there is any so we can care for them.  Our goal is not to encourage them to vent as a fool does; it is to rally them towards wisdom.  Our goal is not to rouse up complaining when the Lord clearly tells us not to; it is to champion them towards godliness.

So maybe they are being vulnerable.  Perhaps they are being more vulnerable than they’ve ever been in their life.  Perhaps their vulnerability simply looks different than we think it should. 

A simple way to diagnose this?  Ask them.  We are *big* fans of inviting questions here at {double hockey sticks}.  They solve so many issues really well.  Remember the PB&J conundrum?  Crisis averted with a simple question.  After all, the wise seek understanding (Proverbs 18:2).

Do you feel like this is a place where you can really share your victories and concerns?

Do you want to be more vulnerable than you feel like you can be?

Do you have any ideas on how we could make our group feel more inviting – where people feel free to be vulnerable?

You may have an idea for a better question.  If so, I’d love to hear it!  In the right environment – on a walk, over coffee, with some time to consider and let them get back to you, and approached well – in a calm, caring, loving, inviting, private manner, simply ask.  That may be the best way to get the pulse check you’ve been craving.

Beep, beep, beep : )

Interest = a great ROI!

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I have never met someone who wasn’t vulnerable.

Instead, I often hear, “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

And it’s not because I’m anyone special.  Because I’m not.

My current hypothesis is this:  It’s because they are special.  And I simply believe it.

piggy banks

I believe to my core that God put every single person on this planet for a valuable reason.  And, well, I love discovering what it is!  What makes them unique?  What unique journey does He have them on?  What unique wiring did He give them?  What perfect plan does He have for them – that may look so different from my perfect plan or the world’s perfect plan?

And can I tell you that some of my favorite people are some of the most unique.

You know, the ones who march to their own drummer.

Maybe sort of like The Help movie.  Who was the journalist?  Skeeter, I think.

I love people like that.  I just adore them.

It truly tickles and delights me to experience people’s uniqueness.

One of the easiest ways I’ve found to help people be vulnerable is simply to be interested.

This can be related to believing they are valuable – simply the natural outpouring of it.  In action, it can look simply like this:

  • Ask follow up questions to what they shared.
  • Follow up on something they mention a few days or weeks later.  Ask how it’s going.  Find out what happened with the prayer request.
  • Tell them you found what they shared interesting.
  • Go do something with them that they enjoy.  Go on their turf.
  • Highlight something valuable they did in what they shared.
  • Offer an article that reminds you of them or something they shared.

My mom is the cutest.  She is crazy good at that last one.  I tease that her love language is newspaper articles.  She mails us articles that remind her of us.  Sometimes I honestly don’t even remember telling her about some of the things she cuts out. Or I am amazed when she sends an article about something that I mentioned a year or two ago.  She listens, she pays attention, and she lets us know she’s thinking of us.  It’s the gesture – her showing interest lets us know that she cares enough to listen, remember, think of us, and follow up.  That investment of interest is inviting.

On the contrary, consider a situation like this:  Matt is sharing about his weekend.  In the middle of his story, his coworker interrupts and says, “I don’t have time for this,” and walks out of his office.  Later, Matt is critiqued for only talking business and not sharing his personal life with his coworker.  Hmmmm…. I wonder how he ended up there?  : )

This whole business of ‘showing interest’ can be as easy as asking a specific question.  And when I suggest specific, “How are you?” doesn’t count!  : )

Some specific questions that show you’ve listened and are interested in their life could be something like…

  • What did you like about the play you saw last week?
  • What’s something you’ve found interesting in one of the classes you’re taking?
  • This school year, who is one of your students you enjoy?
  • Are you glad you did this or that?
  • (if you have some rapport) How is your marriage?
  • (if you have some rapport) How are you and the Lord doing?

When I was learning Greek, someone asked me what my favorite word was. I thought that was such a unique, clever question!  I forget what mine was, but it was one that was fun to say.  I remember that theirs was ἀλήθεια.  They loved truth and loved the way the word sounded (a-lay-thay-a).  Talk about a unique and specific question!

Can I tell you that this is huge for introverts!  Introverts don’t just naturally talk about themselves.  They’d rather do just about anything else.   Combine that with an introvert who is naturally curious about others, loves to listen, has potentially been abused, has not experienced someone finding them valuable or interesting, or any of a variety of other factors, and you have someone who is unlikely to talk about themselves.  They aren’t withholding or being mean.  It just doesn’t occur to them to talk about themselves.

And when it does, they get tired of it really fast!

I just love this article about introverts.  One of things I’ve found insightfully helpful:

“The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.”

So this whole business of remembering what they say is huge if you’d like them to be more vulnerable with you.

By the way, the article also highlights a gender challenge,

“Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially.”

Not all women love to share everything.  And just because a woman isn’t sharing does not mean she’s not vulnerable.

Remember, vulnerability isn’t a one-person show.  It’s a two-way interaction.  We’re not about labeling people as ‘vulnerable’ or ‘not vulnerable.’  If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable with you, we’ve got to consider that particular relationship.

Being interested in what they say and demonstrating that interest by commenting or affirming now, asking follow up questions, or following up later can result in a great return on your investment of time, energy, effort, and friendship.  Asking great questions is a gift to others as it can help them discover parts of themselves they didn’t even know were there.  It expresses interest in them – which can express care and love.  It can also be a fun way to experience interesting aspects of life.  Who knows what you’ll discover!

If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable

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I’ve never met someone who isn’t vulnerable.

I’ve met a lot of people who others claim are not vulnerable.

But I’ve never actually met someone who isn’t vulnerable.  Who doesn’t know how to be vulnerable.  And who won’t share their true self.

door_open

In the right environment, that is.

Vulnerability is not a one-man show.

In an inviting atmosphere surrounded by the right person or people who affirm value, express interest, and create a safely wise environment, I have found that people are very willing to be vulnerable.

These are what I’ve observed to be the worst ways to go about getting someone to be more vulnerable:

  • Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
  • Critiquing them for not sharing
  • Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
  • Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
  • Blaming them

If someone isn’t being vulnerable, they weren’t waiting to get critiqued to start being vulnerable.  They weren’t sitting there thinking, “Now once I’m publically embarrassed, then I’ll be ready to be vulnerable.”  What these things are actually likely to accomplish is sealing the deal.  It will confirm for them that they were wise not to be vulnerable around you.  It also has a way of making them regret when they were vulnerable, and it nearly ascertains that they will not be vulnerable with you in the future.

Unfortunately, that’s not progress.  Or healthy.  Or helpful for the kingdom.

Instead, for most every problem, we can help contribute to the solution. 

We simply affirm

  • Value
  • Interest
  • Safety

There is no harm in trying any of these things.  The world will not be a worse place if we value people more, show more interest in them, and create safer environments.  So at the very least, you’ll make the world a better place.  You may also get that vulnerability you’ve been craving.  And… you could possibly even revolutionize someone’s world.

VALUE

Seriously.  Some people do not know they are valuable.  They have never been treated as valuable.  Or worse, someone has told them they are not valuable.  They may have grown up in a home where it was best to be seen and not heard, they may have a spouse who treats them in a way that communicates they lack worth, or they may work in an environment where they are consistently devalued.  They may not even realize that they don’t realize they are valuable.  (You may need to read that one again!)

If someone doesn’t know they are valuable, it likely doesn’t occur to them that they have anything valuable to share.  You may need to not only affirm their value, but also help them discover what specifically about them is valuable.

Almost every person with whom I have worked who has been critiqued for not being vulnerable has been abused in their life.  (I’m saying almost to allow for an exception, but in all honesty, I can’t think of one.)  Sometimes the mistreatment has been by others, and the vulnerability-critiquer is simply experiencing the effects.  Yet other times, unintentionally, it is by the critiquer himself.

So the first thing we can do is be sure we are not unintentionally harming them.  That we are refraining from presuming to know their thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them.  That we are not thinking things about them that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  That we don’t just gloss over a list like that, but we consider each word intentionally and ask the Lord to convict our hearts if we’ve thought or said anything to them or about them that does not fit God’s desire for our hearts and minds.  If we’ve thought it, we confess it to the Lord.  If we’ve said it, we confess it to them.

So the first step towards their becoming more vulnerable around us may actually fall on us.

Secondly, we need to be sure we are convinced they have value.  To treat someone as valuable, we need to be convinced of their value.  God creates masterpieces.  If you need help seeing how this person is a masterpiece and a precious creation of God, then ask Him.  He delights to reveal His beauty.

Believe they are valuable, and begin to see what is valuable about them.

After you start to see their beauty and value, affirm it in them.  If they’re not aware of it, you will change their life.  Literally.  They will begin to see how the Lord has wired them.  They will begin to embrace it.  And your delighting with them over how the Lord has created them opens a precious door.  You will begin to get a sweet taste of that intimacy you’ve been craving.

And what I love about valuing others – it’s fun!

This is one of the many reasons I love the charge to

Encourage one another daily.

There are so many messages of how we are not valuable – or what is valuable to the world.  And there are precious few recalibrations of what the Lord finds valuable.  Encouraging one another daily is simply stating what you see in them that God likes, delights in, and created.  What in them resonates with Who the Lord is?  Maybe they are artistic.  Maybe they are creative. Maybe they are a good listener.  Maybe they have done something thoughtful.  Maybe they are committed to God’s Word.  Maybe they are a prayer warrior.  Calling out the Lord in them fills them with strength. It fills them with courage.  It calls out their value.

Affirming value is the first step towards vulnerability.  Believe they are valuable, and share that value with them.   It’s amazing the impact calling out someone’s value has.

I’ll leave us time to wrestle with that today.  How can you affirm someone’s value today?

Up next:  Expressing interest and being a wisely safe environment.

a talking a$$

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Let’s say you have a cute little puppy dog.

He’s adorable… but he’s got a little something wrong.  You take him to your trusty vet, and he gives you some medicine.  It’ll fix it!

How do you give your dog his medicine?

donkey face

You may choose to give it to him straight up.  Just go for it.  It may not taste that great going down, but it’ll make him feel better.  So it’s worth it.

Or you may do something to help make it more palatable.  Maybe you have a pill that you hide in some cheese.  Or the meaty part of his food.  Same potent fix… just sandwiched in a more receivable way.

As his owner, you want him to get the medicine in him.  But would you do this?

Would you hide the medicine among, let’s say, the cleaning supplies underneath your sink?  Would you bury it among things that are hazardous to his health?  Would you sandwich it between poison hoping he gets the stuff that’s good for him… and avoids the stuff that’s not?

You may choose an untasty way.  Or you may choose a tasty way.  But I can’t imagine an owner choosing a potentially poisonous way.

Yet for some reason, I find myself sniffing around poison sometimes.

It used to make sense to me.  Someone would start sharing their ‘feedback’ about who they thought I was or the reasons for which they thought I was acting or the things they thought I was thinking.

Even though the things were not true of me, I kept listening.  My theory was,

“Maybe there is a gem in here somewhere.  Maybe there is something valuable in here for me.”

Even though it didn’t look like other times when wise people gave me growing feedback.  Even though it didn’t feel like times when true friends gave me loving input.  Even though it felt so hurtful, I listened.  I thought it was the path of humility.  I thought listening was wise.

I’d been told things like, “Even though it may not look like you want it to look or feel like you want it to feel, it still may be something you need to hear.”

So I listened.

To my own demise.

I’d been told a seemingly biblical example that things don’t always come packaged as we’d like: Balaam’s donkey.

Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”

The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”

“No,” he said.

Then the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown. ~ Numbers 22:28-31

The story would be followed with the tongue-in-cheek conclusion that sometimes the Lord uses an a$$ to communicate to you.

So it seemed to make sense.  Even though it didn’t always look or feel like wise input should, maybe there was a gem I could garner in the midst of hurtful conversations.

Yet the Lord was gracious.

He was gracious to show me the craziness of this teaching.

Yes, the Lord may use a talking donkey to get your attention.  But that does not mean it is ok for someone to be an a$$ to you! 

There is nothing sinful about a talking donkey.

Weird?  Yes.   Unusual?  Yes.

But sinful?  No.  Destructive?  No.  Poisonous?  No.

Even the donkey spoke factually and seeking to understand!

It’s like cheese – it isn’t a normal part of (most!) dog’s diets, and it may be a little weird to feed it to them.  But it’s not sinful.  It’s not poisonous.

So if someone gives you some feedback straight up – some medicine without any wrapping, sure, we may hope for a love sandwich, but straight up input can be valuable.  For example,

“I get concerned when you compare others to yourself because the Lord tells us that those who compare themselves by themselves and with themselves, they are not wise.”

That’s straight up.

Sometimes we prefer it wrapped in cheese:

“I love that you are constantly trying to improve yourself.  There are so many ways that I’ve seen that be beneficial in your life.  You seem to constantly strive to serve others better, to love others better, and to be a better wife and friend.  I love that about you.

“Sometimes I wonder if that strength is taken to an extreme.  And we know that strengths taken to extremes are actually, ironically, weaknesses.  I like this quality about you, but for your good, I care that it’s balanced.

“When you say _______ (insert actual, factual action), it sounds to me like you’re comparing that person to you.  The Lord specifically talks about those who compare themselves with others…”

Either approach works.  Just not the third option: not burying it amongst poison.

We belong to the Lord.  And our owner doesn’t go burying things in poison.  He doesn’t bury His truth in negative, inaccurate character, motive, and thought speculation.  It’s too precious for that.

If you’re concerned you might be missing a truth He has for you, just share that with Him.

“Lord, I desire to grow to be more like you. The feedback this person is giving me presumes to know my thoughts and motives and negatively characterizes them.  That is verbal abuse, and I do not believe that you abuse me or desire for me to be abused.

“If there is something you’d like for me to do differently to be more like you, I ask that you will provide that input in a healthy way.  Use a donkey if you desire!  But for right now, I am going to walk away from this poison.”

Interrupt them.

And end your exposure to the poison.

Your owner cares about you.  He is powerful.  If He has something to communicate, He can do it clearly and healthily.  We needn’t go searching around in toxins ‘just to be sure we’re not missing a gem.’  He can and will give you any needed ‘medicine’… without harming you in the process.

Throw pies in their face!

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I’m just kidding.

Kind of. : )

It can be a helpful tip for some conflict situations!

pie in face

If a friend talks with you about something that is Philippians 4:8 worthy of thinking and if they approach it James 3:17-18 well, then responding well is easy. Being cared for and loved towards Christ is a joy of a journey, and to travel that road with a friend who desires to honor the Lord with you is truly the marrow of life.

It is a blessing indeed.

But sometimes we get confronted in ways that aren’t so much a blessing. And sometimes we get confronted in ways that make that last sentence an insane understatement!

What do we do then?

Throw pies!  Godly ones, I mean…

Pray ~ Even if just a short little prayer, connect. Connect with the one who knows what it is like to be called out inappropriately, called unfair things, ridiculed, or handled in ways not consistent with His worth to the King.  Connect with your Savior and Protector.

Interrupt ~ This may rub against the grain of mannered people.  I totally get that.  It may seem counterintuitive to a peaceful environment and relationship.  It may feel rude or arrogant.  I can understand how that could be.  Yet I am totally convinced this is the godly thing to do.  I’ll explain why as I unpack all four of these in following posts.

Explain briefly ~ Sometimes we are taught to simply remove ourselves from the situation, yet this can have unintended detrimental effects.  I believe there is an important balance between two tensions: simply leaving the situation or ending the friendship or relationship, and trying to convince or persuade.  Often in the middle is a brief explanation that is valuable for both you and your confronter.  We’ll dive more into this in following posts.

Step ~ What is a possible next step?  Allowing grace for those who may be trying their best, what would it look like to re-engage healthily about this?  This can be hard to think of on the fly, so we’ll provide a few examples to have in your toolkit in an upcoming post.

Hopefully when you’re stunned, hurt, and feeling almost unable to speak, you can envision throwing pies in their face!  That will lighten the mood a bit – which usually jostles the mind into action a bit better.  Hopefully it’ll bring a twinge of a smile and action steps to mind that will help you feel equipped, confident in the Lord, and ready to take on relationships for His glory!

photo credit: Frank Wojciechowski

I was a fool

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I had something to drop off quickly to her.  So I ran in, conversed for a few minutes, then headed back to my car.

As I walked back, the ‘so that’ of this verse was clear as day to me:

Do everything without complaining…

Those are the four words we’ve been camped on.  Yet it goes on in the next verses:

…so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life…

The part that was echoing in my mind was the ‘shine like stars.’

You see, it had been so long since I’d been around complaining that it was kind of like that ‘uck’ experience.  It tasted so unpleasant.  But it was more like a doom.  Or a dreariness.  It felt sort of ucky.  Oppressive may be too strong of a word.  But it felt sort of dead.

And walking back to my car, I realized anew why the verse talks about ‘shining like stars.’

There is life, vitality, and light in doing everything without complaining.

I didn’t fully realize this until I was away from it (and then stuck my toe back in it), but I couldn’t fully experience the ‘shine’ being around others who were complaining.

Hmmmm.  But is that worth separating a friendship over?  I mean, people complain.  I’d shared with them that I was going to try to stop.  They didn’t love that, but maybe they’d come around eventually?

That was my mindset. It sounded sane at the time.  But I – very, very reluctantly – now don’t think it was.

Fast forward several years after I committed to trying to do everything without complaining.  The ones I told of my conviction?  Well, they got mad at me for not venting more.

It was ugly.

And I was perplexed.

I believed the Lord had challenged me in this area.  And they weren’t excited about the challenge.  But I wasn’t forcing anything on them.  Yet years later, they were still, well, I guess hoping I would sort of recant?

I admittedly had at times.  But it felt gross.  I hated it.

So how did we end up here?  And what should I have done differently?

I think this:  I think I should have not just shared about what the Lord was challenging me, but I also should have asked them to join in the challenge.  Their response wasn’t super favorable, so if they were unwilling, I think – and I don’t like this part – it would have been right and good for me to reconsider their role in my life.

Yikes?  All over complaining?

I think yes. I think yes over anything that is at tension with drawing me down the path of the Lord.

These are some of the things that have helped me towards this conclusion…

I’ve been listening to a series by Andy Stanley called Guardrails.  It’s fantastic.  As a result of this series, several conclusions that have been crazy valuable to me.

1. Never confuse compassion and wisdom.

Andy says that compassion will never require you to make an unwise decision about yourself. It doesn’t contradict or conflict with wisdom. That’s misguided compassion.

Hmmm.

That’s exactly what happened to me. I wanted to show grace and care and patience and understanding that God may not be doing in their lives what He was doing in mine. So I continued with the same crew while I pursued a different path.

But there is more.

2. Pressing on can cause (foolish) suffering. 

Andy highlights a verse that has been echoing in my mind:

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. ~ Proverbs 27:12

WARNING TO ME!!! A prudent man sees danger and departs. The simple press forward. I saw the difference in our directions, but I pressed forward. I thought eventually they’d join my – God’s – path. I was a fool. And I suffered for it.

So how do I spot danger?  Andy offers several tips on when our conscience should light up. One was incredibly applicable for me:

When your core group isn’t moving in the direction you want your life to be moving.

It’s a little thing, but it should have been more of a trigger for me.

3.  Don’t try to help a fool.

Andy describes a fool like this:

A fool knows the difference between right and wrong but doesn’t care.

For me, that has been a huge key. They know the difference, but they don’t care.

You know, I’ve often heard pastors use the analogy that you can’t pull someone up because you’ll just get pulled down in the process. And while I see the value in it, I have had situations in my life where I have marched along a path and eventually others joined me. And it didn’t pull me down. So those illustrations haven’t set well with me.

But this time it did. It devastated me. I was simple, I kept going, and I suffered for it.

So what’s the difference? What was the difference this time?

I think with the illustration, it *is* possible to pull someone up. I know it is. I’ve experienced it. But the key difference is this: they were trying. They were open to it. They were sort of climbing up a little. Or they were at least curious about what was ‘up.’ That is when it is possible.

But when they are not open to it… when they are not desiring what is ‘up’… when they react negatively to what you believe the Lord is calling you to… that I now believe is the difference. When they don’t care. Or worse, want the opposite for you.

That is when – I now believe – it is time to reconsider their friendship in your life.

4.  Be willing to appear foolish.

Now really, all this over people who complain? Aren’t you making a mountain out of a molehill?

Maybe. But here is one of my other favorite takeaways from Guardrails:

A moral decision often ends up being pivotal in hindsight in direction in life.

Daniel is an example of this. He had a conviction about food. And that ended up being pivotal in his direction in life. A seemingly small, moral decision may totally change the trajectory of your life.

One more quote – this one from Andy’s Principle of the Path!

Once you determine to act on what you see, you can expect two things: embarrassment and relief. Embarrassment because it will appear to the simple around you that you are overreacting. In an effort to be wise, you may appear to be foolish, even fearful. But the prudent don’t react to what they see in their current situation. They react to what they see on the horizon.

5.  Pursue this with all humility.

My new takeaway is to help guard against being a fool! Ugghh. I don’t like it, but I have certainly hope I’ve learned my lesson about keeping going and suffering for it!

Totally pursue it with trepidation – healthy fear in the Lord – and caution and humility and care. This is not about having a litmus test for friendship. This is not about dissing friends or cutting them off. This is about passionately pursuing the things of the Lord and inviting others to do so with you. And if they hear and you’ve clearly explained and they have no interest in honoring the Lord – if they want to stick to their complaining and want you to, too – those are the relationships worth grieving before the Lord.

For some, this sounds harsh. And I totally get that. For others, this sounds obvious. You’re much wiser than I!

Lots to chew on. My prayer for you – and for me – is this… that we may do everything without complaining – and be surrounded by others doing the same! That as we hold firmly to the word of life, we may, like stars in the universe, shine!

the teddy bear effect

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I’m a little bit excited here.

Ok, maybe that’s an understatement.

Today’s word I.  just.  love.  It’s the next word in Paul’s Philippians 4:8 goodness. We’ve explored thinking things that are true, noble, right, pure, and lovely… all with beautiful goals of honoring the Lord, staying focused on great stuff, and my passion: circumventing conflict before it even starts.

So what’s today’s word? Admirable.

A few fun facts about admirable:

Like ‘lovely,’ it is used only here.

In Greek, it looks like this coolness: εὔφημα.

  • The first part εὔ is the prefix of words like ‘euphemism’ – it means good.

In case its helpful, a euphemism is substituting a favorable word in place of an inauspicious one.  And don’t you love definitions that need to be defined!  Inauspicious means unfavorable {it pops up again below}.  So it’s substituting a favorable word in place of an unfavorable one.  (examples: ‘passed away,’ being ‘let go’)

  • And actually, the second part, φημα, also aligns with euphemism.  It means fame or report. It’s from the word φημί, meaning to say, declare, or make known one’s thoughts.

So admirable (εὔφημα) is also translated ‘of good report.’  It is making known your good thoughts.

It includes ‘keeping a holy silence.’  So it includes abstaining from inauspicious words {there’s that ‘inauspicious’ word again!} – keeping from saying unfavorable things.

But these aren’t just ‘euphemistic’ good thoughts.  It’s not just saying something nice even though you’re trying to cover for something less nice.  They are at least positive and constructive rather than negative and destructive.  But it’s more than that.  It goes deeper than that.

I love this:  Admirable (εὔφημα) is described as ‘implying essential worthiness.’

Don’t you just love that?  Can you imagine if all our comments about one another implied essential worthiness?  If they implied the essential worth that each believer has as the son or daughter of the King!  If they implied the essential worth that Christ implies – or more than that, enacts, embodies, exemplifies… bought!  He bought each and every believer with His. own. blood.  That is the essential worthiness of every believer (and those not yet believers!).

It’s like a tattered teddy.  There are plenty of negative or critical or lacking things to observe about him.

But can you imagine being critical about the bear to its owner?  Can you imagine telling its precious owner that this bear is ratty and a piece of trash?

Yikes.

Instead, how does the owner perceive the bear?  If we think about him through an admirable lens, how would our description of him change? What would we say if we thought about him through the lens of ‘implying essential worthiness’?

Valuable.  Precious.  Useful.  We’d look past the tattered parts – not because we ignore them, but because we see them differently.  They’re not inauspicious things to critique; instead, they give the bear some of its worth and identity.  They speak of memories and camaraderie. They are part of its essential worthiness.

It might be kind of how God sees us…

And how we could choose to see each other!

“You are intimidating”

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Let’s get our {dhs} sifter cranked up!

Today’s topic?  Telling someone, “You are intimidating.”

We’ll run it through our trusty sifter – because before we consider how to confront someone on their ‘intimidation,’ we must first consider if it is worth confronting.  And our big question before we consider if it’s worth confronting is it is even worth *thinking*!

So here we go with our Philippians 4:8 {dhs} sifter.  We’ll do the first few at least…

IS IT TRUE?  Is the statement “you are intimidating” a true statement?   Is it actually, factually true?  By ‘true,’ I mean  on par with statements such as “God is true,” “Jesus is true,” and “Scripture is true.”

No, it is an opinion – a perception.  And remember that we are to *demolish* perceptions that set themselves up against the knowledge of God.  So then our big question becomes, “Is this God’s perception?”  Remember, to be off on this is to set ourselves up against the knowledge of God.  That’s a crazy big deal.

It also easily edges into some pretty ugly words – like slander:

Slander is making a false statement or misrepresentation about another person that defames or damages the person’s reputation.

I think we can do better!

IS IT NOBLE?  Is “you are intimidating” the most noble explanation we can come up with for their actions?

A story for ya…

There once was a gal for whom this term “intimidating” was often used.  I wanted to know what the scoop was and why everyone thought she was intimidating.  This is what I discovered:  Almost two decades earlier, she had been violated by someone she trusted.  And she felt stuck.  She trusted him, and he severely broke that trust.  Whom can she trust to tell?  So for almost two decades, she held on to this secret.  She was hurt, felt violated, and was unsure about whom to trust in life, and if she trusted someone, what they would then do to her.  She didn’t need someone to tell her, “You are intimidating, and you need to be less intimidating.”  She needed someone to care.  To love her.  To give her a safe place to unload her big devastation.  And to help her explore how to let the good in while keeping the bad out – instead of just keeping it all out.  Unpacking all that helped her be more open to relationships – healthy ones, that is.  But a judgment wasn’t going to help her; care was.

And another one!

There once was another gal for whom this term “intimidating” was also used.  It turns out for her she had been verbally abused for years by spiritual leaders.  As she went to others for help, she was consistently given well-meaning – but actually not biblically helpful – advice and feedback.  She started to get leary of relationships in general and talking to anyone.  Her healthy, biblical boundaries were consistently violated. Then some sojourners along the way helped her start to identify those violations, and the Lord showed her how to navigate them with strength according to His Word and His pleasure.  As she began to get clarity on truly biblical relational dynamics, and as she began to feel like her life was less about constantly being hurt, she was strengthened to enjoy healthy relationships.

Now I’m no psychologist, but in many of the “intimidating” people with whom I’ve worked, there seems to be some common themes: hurt, unbiblical advice that sounds biblical, confusion about whom they trust, often some violations that I think would make the Lord very sad, lack of clarity on how to navigate those to let the good in but keep the bad out… and did I mention hurt?

There are often much more noble explanations for a person’s “intimidation.”

IS IT RIGHT?  WARNING:  I’m going to turn things on their head a bit here.  So keep reading at your own discretion!

Remember, ‘right’ pertains to ‘righteous.’  It refers to sin.  Our goal as believers is to help raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:18) – not personal preference.  If a person is intentionally trying to make others fear them, that’s one thing (though that often still ties into the ‘noble’ hurts above, and though we’re still not to judge the motives of a man’s heart).

But if they simply have non-sin actions that we ‘perceive’ as initimiding… well…{gulp}…that may actually be…{are you ready for this?}… *our* sin.

Yikes?

When I run “you are intimidating” through the grid of Scripture, I can’t get the statement to come out in tact on the other side.  “You are intimidating” can be ‘translated,’ “I am intimidated by you.”  ‘Intimidated’ is ‘frightened’ or ‘afraid.’  We are to fear God… but anything else?

“In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”  ~ Psalm 56:11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

“So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’”  ~ Hebrews 13:6

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”  ~ Psalm 27:2

“The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” ~ 1 John 4:18

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  ~ Joshua 1:9

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”  ~2 Timothy 1:7

A spirit of timidity or fear is not from God.  In fact, God *commands* the opposite – over a hundred times in Scripture!

IS IT PURE?  If it’s my sin, then I need to purify my thoughts.  If I am losing sleep over someone’s ‘being intimidating,’ there is an easy way to solve it: Confess my sin of fear to the Lord.

Things get messy when we blame another person for our sin. They can’t own our sin.  They can’t confess it for us.  They aren’t a dreg runner!

water bottle characters

I cannot expect the world to change so I don’t sin.  Oh wow – that’d truly be a picture of the world revolving around me!  My sin is my sin.  I shan’t blame another for it nor expect them to own it.  It is *my* responsibility to own it and confess it.

So once I confess my fear and quit being afraid, well, then, there is no longer a problem.  {poof}  There is nothing left to confront.  And we’re not even all the way through our {dhs} sifter!

Yet I do want to go one step further.  We’ll touch on ‘lovely’ next time – and the possibility of a conversation of mutual benefit.  But I think that’s enough for now!  WHEW! : )

What do you think?

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So we quote this verse often here at {double hockey sticks}:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  ~ Philippians 4:8

It applies to a lot of our thinking and how we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

But it’s kind of long to write out that we need to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  I mean, that took a good 15 seconds : )

In this day of cmb, ttyl, lol, and wwjd (ok, so maybe that’s a little old), there’s got to be a good shorthand for this verse that I love so much!  ‘tnrplaep’ doesn’t seem too catchy.  : )  Any ideas?

our lovely harvest

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I tease that you can take the girl out of the Midwest, but you can’t take the Midwest out of the girl. : )

My Midwest fix for the summer has been planting our garden.  Since our backyard is on a slope, it kind of turned into a fortress!  My husband did an amazing job building it, and it has been a lot of fun to grow our produce!

These are some of my favorites…

The mighty zucchini!  It’s like a balloon animal.  Seriously.  It’s fun to see how it grows.  First a hollow stalk comes out, like one of those long skinny balloons that clowns use.  Then the zucchini kind of comes from the base and fills in part of the stalk – just like someone blowing up one of those balloon animals.  And the little flower on the end is like the knot on the end of the balloon. They’re really fun.

I also love the green beans… and all the ones that vine!  Cantaloupe, peas – their little tentacles are so cute!  They have a great time wrapping themselves around on the trellis and other plant stalks.

We’re also trying to grow strawberries - the plants produce stems called runners.  I learned perhaps a little late that we’re actually supposed to clip the runners.  Though they may seem like they’re making the plant more prolific with more stems, they actually end up taking nutrients away from the main plant and decrease strawberry production.  So we got out our scissors and started clipping our runners.  There were quite a few of them – some of them had even developed their own roots!

And as I was clipping the strawberry runners, I started thinking,

“Uh oh.  I’ve got a runner.  In my blog – I have a runner.”

This whole judging section of the blog – there are so many stories to tell and so many verses of Scripture to talk about!  Judging is everywhere.  But it’s turning into a runner.  If I don’t prune it back a little, I’m going to end up with this judging section taking up roots!  So we’ll prune it for now and try to come back to it sometime so we can keep feeding the plant!

What, again, was the plant?

I’m so glad you asked!

We started this blog not quite a year ago, and I am still unpacking ‘worthy of confronting’!  How crazy is that?  I knew the Lord had been showing me some things about whether things were worthy of confronting, but I had no idea it was this much!!  It is crazy important.

In conflict, it’s not just how we confront and respond.  It’s if we should even be confronting about it in the first place.

Or to go back even further than that – should we even be *thinking* it in the first place!

So that’s our main vine for now:  Should I even be thinking this stuff?  Much less getting mad at someone else over it and confronting them on it!  We’ve explored Philippians 4:8’s true, noble, right, pure… and we’re wrapping up lovely.  I added some categories on our menu under ‘worthy of confronting’ to help differentiate all this – I hope you like them!

So what were the main things that stemmed from our discussion of ‘lovely’?  (Did you catch that lovely little plant reference? : ))

{warning!}  a bit of hyperlink craze is ahead… we’ve been on this topic for a while!

‘Lovely’ seems to mean

Why shouldn’t we judge?

Not judging others is truly a blessing – to them and to us!

So what do we do?

What are some principles that help us not judge… but think lovely thoughts?

  • the -++ principle
  • A weakness is often simply a strength taken to an extreme.
  • Beware of the things you love most about someone – those are the things Satan will use to drive you crazy!

Lovely goodness!!  Quite the harvest, eh?

Lots to ponder as we seek to set our minds on things that are true, noble, right, pure, and lovely.  Up next – admirable!