Tag Archives: confront

the blessing of the bite

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When I was little, we had a white poodle named Beau.  He taught me a very important lesson one day.

We were standing at the bottom of the stairs.  Beau was standing with three paws on the ground floor and one paw resting on the stair.  I think we were listening to my mom or dad tell us something.  But there we were… just standing.

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Now when I was little, I had a thing with symmetry.  It was the 80s, and lopsidedness was in.  The side ponytail.  Shirts tied in a knot on the side.  Dresses with bows on one side.  And it just seemed to me that things should be symmetrical.  If there is a bow on one side of the dress, the other side of the dress should have a bow, too.  That was my take.

So here is Beau standing asymmetrically at the bottom of the stairs.  He has three paws on the ground and one front paw resting on the stair.  I thought that must be uncomfortable.  Surely he’d be more comfortable with all four paws on the ground!  So I reached down to move the paw that was resting on the stair onto the ground.

Beau didn’t agree.  He quite liked his paw resting just where it was.  He didn’t want it resting on the ground.

So he bit me.

That is one of my few memories of Beau, but it did teach me something important.

Just because I think someone should do something a certain way doesn’t mean they think they should do it that way.

Just because I think something should be done a certain way doesn’t mean it should be done that way. Though I may prefer it one way, they may prefer it another.  It’s their life, their stance, and their choice.  They get to stand how they want, and I get to stand how I want.

We can spend a lot of time in life on how we think people should do things.  How we think they should stand.  How we think they should respond.  How we think they should run their meeting. How we think they should structure their department.  How we think they should interact with their kids.  How we think they should do their hair.  And on.  And on.

And we can justify it.  “But this is a principle!”  “But this is my conviction!”  All kinds of things that help us believe they should live according to our opinion.

There were for sure people in Scripture that had opinions about how people should do things.   Strong convictions.  They were certain this is how things should be done.  And they seemed like godly things.  They spent their time and energy teaching people to do these principles and practices that they came up with.  Principles and practices that they were convicted were how people should do things.  Principles and practices that seemed close to godliness.

Yet Jesus wasn’t a fan.

At all.

He had plenty of things to say about them.  Not good things, that is.

He didn’t want people spending their time convincing others to do their personal convictions.  He didn’t want people seeing if others measured up to their personal constructs of how life should be lived.  That’s a distraction from our true focus.

He wanted people spending time on Him.

He added some additional things that are for sure worth addressing, but nowhere does he tell *us* to add additional things worth addressing.

And he has pretty biting words for those who do:  Brood of vipers.  Sons of hell.

We’ve got to be careful.  Our opinions may seem helpful.  Our convictions may seem valid.  But what matters is the Word.  What matters is the Lord.

All the rest?

We allow as the Lord allowed: freedom.

That’s the blessing of the bite.  It keeps us out of the things we needn’t opinionate on… and squarely focused on what’s doggone good.

TME

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There was a very handy term we used on occasion when I worked in sales and marketing: TME.

We used it when we had a prospect that was, well, very time consuming.  Perhaps their organization’s decision-making process was especially cumbersome, decision rights were unclear, they had an inordinate amount of questions and need for explanation, their consideration process required an unusual amount of meetings that didn’t seem to be making progress, and their price point was low – especially for the amount of work required to get them on board.

Bricklayer

They were simply Too Much Effort.

If they came on board, great.  We’d welcome them.  But for the amount of time and energy needed to invest in making that happen, it just didn’t make sense.  If we spent our time navigating their wieldy process and meetings, we were not spending our time serving those who desired to implement our best practices.  There were organizations that could benefit from our services, and we chose to focus our efforts on them.

Sometimes in life, TME is wise.  There are some situations where TME frees us to truly focus on the things the Lord desires for us.

But sometimes we get tricked.  Sometimes we label the wrong things ‘TME.’

Let’s take as an example the temple builders.

The Israelites came back from exile with the express purpose of building a temple.

This is what Cyrus king of Persia says:

“‘The Lord, the God of heaven, has given me all the kingdoms of the earth and he has appointed me to build a temple for him at Jerusalem in Judah. Any of his people among you may go up to Jerusalem in Judah and build the temple of the Lord, the God of Israel, the God who is in Jerusalem, and may their God be with them… Then the family heads of Judah and Benjamin, and the priests and Levites—everyone whose heart God had moved—prepared to go up and build the house of the Lord in Jerusalem. ~ Ezra 1:2-3, 5

They returned from exile to build the house of the Lord in Jerusalem.  50,000 of them.  For 2 years they worked, and they completed the foundation with great rejoicing (Ezra 3:8-10).  They sang to the Lord with praise and thanksgiving to the Lord:

“He is good; his love to Israel endures forever.”  ~ Ezra 3:11

Yet their enemies set out to frustrate their plans.  They discouraged them and made them afraid to continue building.  They hired consultants to work against them (Ezra 4:4-5).  It halted their work – for 14 years.

Their theory?

“The time has not yet come for the Lord’s house to be built.” ~ Haggai 1:2

The Lord’s theory?

“Is it time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains in ruins?” ~ Haggai 1:3

They’d been working hard on building… that is, they’d been working hard on building their own houses.  Paneling goes on top of stone, so the Israelites had built their houses of stone, then added paneling.  Yet they had not been working on the Lord’s house.  The Lord had showed his might and faithfulness in bringing them back from exile, yet some consultants made them afraid to build God’s temple.

They’d labeled it TME.  For 14 years.

The Lord points out the futility of this:

“Give careful thought to your ways.  You have planted much, but have harvest little.  You eat, but never have enough.  You drink, but never have your fill.  You put on clothes, but are not warm.  You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.”  ~ Haggai 1:7-8

They have been investing in the wrong things.  Spending their time on things that are not the Lord’s focus.  Busy, but not producing an abundance of fruit.

“Why?” declares the Lord Almighty.  “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.”  ~ Haggai 1:9

Sometimes we get distracted from what the Lord desires us to work on – from what He *tells* us to work on.  We let fear or frustrations derail us.  We let the amount of effort required discourage us.  We label the wrong thing TME, and instead, we work on things we think are good or valuable.

Yet there is one thing that turned it around for the people of Israel:

“I am with you,” declares the Lord.  ~ Haggai 1:13

Then the people began work on the house of the Lord.  After allowing fear and frustration to thwart doing what the Lord had called them to do, they got back to work.  And do you know how long it took?  After 14 years of ‘TME,’ they rebuilt the temple in 4 years.

They’d busied themselves with other priorities instead of tackling the Lord’s priority – which could have long been completed.

Sometimes we do this in life.  There are roadblocks or hecklers or frustrations that make things hard, so we say, ‘TME.’

Yet that TME is tricky.  It often finds itself attached to the wrong things.  It rears its tempting head and latches on to things it shouldn’t – things that God actually cares a lot about.

Like for the Israelites, building His temple.  For us, it could be that our believing friend uses the Lord’s name in vain.  Yet we say, ‘TME.’  We’d rather ‘keep the peace.’

Or maybe our believing friend is about to marry an unbeliever.  We think about addressing it with them, but then we say, ‘TME.’  We’d rather sort of steer them to a pastor and hope he’ll deal with it.  We’d rather not have to get into it.

Or let’s say our marriage is taking a lot of work.  A *lot* of work.  It’s exhausting.  And frustrating.  And there is a cute person in our life with whom relating does not seem to be a lot of work.  So we’re tempted to say of our marriage, ‘TME.’

This happens often in conflict situations.  Confronting can seem so hard.  Giving that last 10% seems to take so much energy.  Perhaps we are in the middle of throwing PIES, and the E just seems a bit too daunting.  Like something we’d rather skip.  It’s so tempting to slap that TME on it and just let the relationship dissolve.  Let them do their own thing.  Or let them go down the path that God doesn’t want them to go down.

Like the Israelites, we get frustrated or feel daunted.  We get afraid or lack courage. And sometimes, instead of going to the source of all courage and the one who conquers all, we get out our TME marker.

For some reason, we can have the energy to confront someone on a habit that personally annoys us… yet isn’t in the Bible.  Maybe they smack their gum, and we snap back.  Maybe their laugh annoys us, and we say something persnickety.  Maybe they love healthy food, and it makes us feel guilty, so we jab at them a bit.  Whatever it is, there seem to be issues that we have no qualms about confronting.

Yet things that are in Scripture?  Things the Lord cares about.  For some reason, we can end up labeling the wrong things ‘TME.’  We can end up giving in to our frustrations, giving heed to roadblocks, and labeling the things that build His temple ‘TME.’

Our key question is,

Is it in the Bible?

If the answer is yes, then our answer is never TME.

Our answer is to keep building.

Our marriage.  Our relationship with believers.  Helping others understand what the Lord desires.

Our answer is to call upon the source of all courage… and keep building.

“I am with you,” declares the Lord.  ~ Haggai 1:13

Sometimes it is hard, and we may be tempted to give into our frustrations.   But if it’s a passion of the Lord’s, brick by brick… we keep building.

Because what we’re building is glorious.  It is of the Lord.

photo purchased from Cutcaster

Mind the Gap

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I was talking to a friend of mine who does websites for churches.  I shared the concept of my blog, and he suggested a talk by Andy Stanley.  It’s only fitting that it’s all about apps! : )

The talk is #5  in the Life Apps series.  It’s all about trust.

Andy’s take on this whole conflict thing seems to align pretty swimmingly with our take here at {double hockey sticks}.  I just love his angle on it!  I highly recommend listening to the talk - or even better, watching it!  He uses a simple illustration that is fantastic.  Here’s what I just love…

He offers a fairly simple – yet oddly profound – breakdown:

In every relationship, there are expectations…And then there is what we actually experience.

Here is what you said you would do…

Here is what happened…

Now here is the interesting part.  What happens when there is a gap?  What happens when what we expect and what actually happens are different?

When there is a gap, we choose what goes in the gap.

*We* are in charge of that.  *They* don’t control what goes in the gap.  *We* do.

Why?

Andy launches from some of the beloved wedding verses about loving one another.  His take:

Love gives the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Love looks for the most generous explanation for the other person’s behavior.

Here at {double hockey sticks}, we advocate it’s because it is our responsibility as believers to take captive our thoughts and make them obedient to Christ.  It is our responsibility to think things that are true and noble.  So we start with what is true – actually, factually true.  We start with what factually they said they would do… and what *factually* happened.  Factually what is true.  Not our opinion or our interpretation of their motives or our false attribution error of what happened.  The actual, factual, unopinionated version of what happened.

Then what do we do with the gap?

It is within your power to choose what goes in the gap.

We think things that are noble.  We assume there is a noble explanation.  We choose to believe the best.

We are in charge of what goes in that gap.

No matter how bad it is, no matter how wide the gap is, and no matter how consistently there is a gap, you. choose. what. goes. in. the. gap.

So we start with what is true of our expectations and experience (actually, factually true!), then we believe the best by thinking things that are noble to fill in any gaps.

This is, by the way, a great model for more than our thought life – it is a great model for ‘confrontation’ as well.  I put it in quotes, because it is my experience that most ‘confrontation’ doesn’t have to be ‘confrontational.’

Can I tell you the sweetest story from my husband’s childhood to demonstrate?

So my husband is out playing with some friends.  His mom calls him in for dinner.  What is a good kid to do? Well, obey their mom and come in for dinner.

But Dave doesn’t come in.  He continues hanging out with his friends.

Hmmmm…

You see the paradigm playing out here?

  • EXPECTATION: son comes in when mom calls him for dinner
  • EXPERIENCE: son continued talking to his friends

Both very factual, right?

Now what goes in the gap?

Possibilities of course include disobedience.  But my husband is a saint.  I’m serious : )  So my mother-in-law chose to believe the best.  She chose to assume positive intent.  She chose to think things that were noble.

And can I tell you – boy, was she right?

So Dave comes in, and for the sake of the story, let’s say she knows the future and follows Andy’s outline. : )  So she ‘confronts’ (not really, more ‘asks lovingly’)…

MOM: Dave, when I call you to come in for dinner, I expect you to come in.  But this time you didn’t.  Can you tell me about what happened?

And Dave responds, (are you ready for this?)

SON: I was in the middle of sharing the gospel with them.

{insert a bit of stun}  Yes, I told you the man is a saint : )

Sometimes there is a pretty decent explanation for why there is a gap between expectations and experience.  And may I be so bold as to say that we keep from sinning when we think nobly about what should go in that gap.

So let’s mind the gap.  Nobly! : )

{ There are more goodies in the talk.  I don’t want to spill *all* of them! : ) }

The Afterparty

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Living life by doing everything without complaining is truly a party.  I mean, why hang out in the yucky things of life?  Keeping our focus on what the Lord is doing… and how He wants us doing it – without complaining!… is such an enjoyable way to live life.

And as if that’s not enough, the afterparty is fantastic!  Not only do we get more enjoyable days that – do you remember this goodness?  ‘support the whole life of the soul‘ – but it also enables a whole cascade of other delights!

Here are a few favorites I’ve experienced…

1.       Better solutions

When I don’t complain, I’m more solution-oriented.  I’m more focused on the actual problem.  I do far less disparaging of a person, their character, and their possible motives.  I think more admirably of them, which, in all honesty, frees my thoughts towards more productive stuff – like actually understanding and solving the problem.

 

2.       Better positioned to honor the Lord

What I love about all this is this:  I can’t take a lick of credit for it.  God’s smart, of course.  When we do things without complaining, it’s much easier to also keep his other commands, like “In your anger, do not sin.”

And in ucky situations, when we don’t complain, other commands are much closer in reach.  “Rejoice always.” “Give thanks in every circumstance.”  If we’re not heading down the complaining path – but instead down the party path - they seem a mite bit less impossible.  If we’re following one of God’s commands by not complaining, we’re better positioned to be able to follow His others.

{These next two are a bit awkward to write. My heart is that every lick of glory goes to the Lord.  I pray I’ve conveyed that!}

3.       More respect

This piggy-backs on #2.  It’s for sure one of the things for which I can’t take a lick of credit!

As I work through my ‘recent unpleasantness,’ it is such a blessing to me when the Lord is honored with responses from others like, “Wow.  You talk so respectfully about them.”  “I’ve never heard someone process so much hurt with so much respect.”  “Hmm….  I don’t sense bitterness in you… but actually, oddly, respect.” Now I can’t take any credit for any it!  It’s simply God’s way.

I believe that not complaining about others helps enable it.  I believe that thinking things that are admirable about others enables it.  In the midst of messes, it is truly an honor to speak and think honorably about others.

4.       Confrontation is easy

Yes, you read that correctly!  When I do things without complaining, confrontation is easy.  Why?  Because it’s not really ‘confrontation.’  When we communicate to others with respect, it’s much harder for things to get messy.  Dare I say – nearly impossible?

I am humbled by others’ feedback when they feel I’ve said something directly but respectfully – actually in a way that respects them and builds them up though I’m asking for something to change. And again, I can’t take a lick of credit for it.  It’s the overflow of God’s Word.

It simply starts by implementing one of his commands, “Do everything without complaining…”  And that cascades into so much other goodness.

It’s a blessing of an afterparty – and it’s credit goes all to the Lord!

QUESTION:  As you’ve been doing everything without complaining, what are your ‘afterparty’ joys?

One of my favorite things about our marriage

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Today my husband and I celebrate 9 years of marriage!  The Lord has been so gracious.

There are certainly other areas of our lives that have been filled with challenges, but He has been so gracious in our marriage.  And I am so grateful.  What more could a girl ask for?

Dave did a little impromptu dance in the middle of our wedding ceremony. It was hilarious :)

So we’ve only been doing this marriage thing for 9 years so far.  We clearly have a ways to go.  And for as prepared as I was for this whole ‘oneness’ thing to reveal more deeply the good – and the bad – in my mate, I’m still waiting for the latter.  So I clearly can only speak from so much of a vantage point.

But one of the things I love about our marriage – and one of the things that I think has been such a blessing – is a paradigm the Lord has been gracious to lay on our hearts.

Where the Bible is clear, we will be adamant.
Where the Bible doesn’t speak, we allow freedom.

Now this is actually part of our church’s position on doctrine… but we find the practical application in marriage and relationships super helpful ~ and freeing!!

Has the Lord said it?  Then we do our best to be adamant about it in our relationship and in our lives.  But if the Lord hasn’t spoken about it, then there is freedom.  If the Lord doesn’t find it important enough to speak on, why would we be crazy enough to allow it a foothold in our marriage?  Marriage is important to the Lord (Matthew 19:6; Ephesians 5:22-31).  Oneness is important to the Lord (John 17).  So why allow something that isn’t important to the Lord interfere with something that is?

Let’s take Christmas shopping for example.  I personally think August is a great time to get our Christmas shopping done.  My husband would rather do other things in August.  He thinks the week before Christmas is a great time to do our Christmas shopping.  Is it worth fighting over?  Well, is it in Scripture?  Nope.  So is it worth fighting over?  Nope.  Is it worth my calling him a bunch of names and telling him he’s a procrastinator?  Nope.  In fact, buying Christmas presents isn’t even in Scripture.  But encouraging one another daily is.  How am I doing on that?  Respecting your husband is.  How am I doing on that?  For me, personally, there are plenty of things in Scripture to work on – I don’t need to make up additional things!  And while my husband is the most godly man I know, I think he would still say there are things in Scripture for him to work on.  He certainly doesn’t need me to make up additional things for him to do!

Or let’s take the laundry for example.  I am perfectly fine with throwing everything together – whites and colors – on cold.  That works for me.  My husband, however, thinks that makes his white undershirts less bright.  Hmmmm… is it in the Bible?  Nope.  So is it worth fighting over?  Nope.  Is one of us right?  Nope.  It’s just different approaches.  So we do a little maneuvering to figure out how to help our approaches dance together.  It’s not about ‘winning’ or ‘being right’ or ‘I told you so.’  If it’s not in Scripture, we allow freedom.  So we have some options.  One option is that I am glad to do any laundry that he doesn’t mind being all mixed together.  Another option is that I can choose to do his laundry separate to keep his shirts white.  And I’m sure there are other options.   What I chose is that my husband doesn’t ask very much of me, and I love knowing things that make him happy, and this makes him happy, and I’d like to do this for him, so I choose to serve in this way.  So we (honestly, probably like most houses in America) now sort our laundry between lights and darks.

Or let’s take joining a small group.  Ohhhh…. I’m inching closer to spiritual things here.  To things that actually are in Scripture.  When we were first married, I thought we should be in a couples small group.  Dave didn’t.  He thought we were too busy.  He thought we should focus on considering our current priorities and maybe consider a small group down the road.  My professional job was small groups.  As much as I tried not to let my job creep into this, it kind of felt a little personal: I can’t get my own husband to join a small group!  Yep, there were all kinds of possible tensions and potential explosions under the surface.  So I prayed about it.  And I wrestled with the Lord about it.  And I asked Him what to do.  And the Lord was gracious to bring this to mind:  “If I had a list of things for which I was going to bless a marriage, that wouldn’t be on there.”

Weird, huh?

Ok, let me first point out that what I felt like the Lord impressed on me started with ‘if.’  I do *not* believe we serve a legalistic, check-list God.  I believe we serve a loving, passionate, personal God!

So I pondered what I felt like He impressed on me for a while.  I mean, joining a small group sounds spiritual.  It sounds like something the Lord would want us to do.  It sure sounds like something I would be right about. : )  But you know what?  “Join a small group” is not in Scripture.  Even for someone who worked in ministry on a small groups staff, I had to admit this.  Are its principles in Scripture?  Well, sure.  Does the Lord want us to experience the Body?  Absolutely.  Does He want us in His Word?  Absolutely.   But does He mandate that every married couple must be in a small group their first year of marriage?  Nope.

So then I started thinking, “Ok, Lord.  If joining a small group isn’t on your ‘list’ of things for which you would bless a marriage, what is?”

And the Lord brought this to mind, “Respect your husband.  Honor his leadership.”

I love when the Lord is so gracious to steer me in His perfect direction.

So it was settled.  I have an amazing husband who values the Body and values God’s Word.  But he also values sanity and waiting on the Lord’s timing and direction.  And so we did.  And eventually, in God’s perfect timing – and with my husband’s godly leadership – we joined a small group.

And I believe, so the Lord blessed our marriage.

Where the Bible is clear, we will be adamant.
Where the Bible doesn’t speak, we allow freedom.

It’s been one of my favorite things about our marriage so far.  Focusing on the things that are in Scripture – and being free from imposing other things that are not in Scripture – has helped give so much clarity, direction, freedom, life, vitality, and love to our marriage.  It gives a safety, a peace, and a security that I just love.  We know what we’re adamant about, and we know where there is freedom.  And the life and joy that comes from that has been such blessing to me.

Happy 9th Anniversary, Love!!  I am honored to call you my husband.

Question: What is one of your favorite things about your marriage?  You can leave a comment below.  

the big Christian elephant

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So we’re in the midst of exploring Philippians 4:8’s call to think on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  If we think we want to confront someone on something, our first step is to align ourselves with the Lord’s desires for our thoughts.  We’ve got to first be sure that our hearts and our thoughts are of the Lord – that they are for sure His desire for our relationship with the person we think we need to confront. Thinking on Philippian’s 4:8 things is a great way to recalibrate our minds.


We’ve been camping out on ‘lovely’ most recently, challenging ourselves to have thoughts that inspire love and call forth love in others.  Doing so means not setting our minds on criticism.  A few principles that can help keep us from that ‘critical’ tipping point:

  • A weakness is often simply a strength taken to an extreme.
  • Beware of the things you love most about someone – those are the things Satan will use to drive you crazy!
  • Whenever we think something negative about someone, immediately think of two positive things about them.

The Lord has been gracious to use these principles powerfully in my life.  I pray He does in yours as well!

Now as we’re talking about keeping from becoming critical, it almost feels like there is an elephant in the room.  You know, the big Christian elephant.  The one that everyone wonders:  Why are Christians so judgmental?

Since having lovely thoughts includes not setting our minds on criticism, since judgmental thoughts are, well, critical, and since Christians are so well known for being judgmental, I think it’s important we dig into this… and dig into it well.

I have huge concerns that, while some judgment is godly, other judgment is flat out sin.  And worse, it’s sin that we justify.

I have great concern that we’ve baptized some sinful judgment that is actually hugely destructive to the kingdom and to our witness to others.  So I want us to explore carefully this topic of judging.

Righteous judgment?  AMEN!

But all other judgment – which includes quite a lot – what do we do with that?  The best thing for the kingdom is to get it outta here!  The best thing for the kingdom is to send it to the place with the {double hockey sticks}.

I’m excited to journey with you as we attempt to rightly divide this ‘judging’ thing.  I think it will be of immense value to the kingdom… and to our witness to others.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.  ~ John 13:35

I’m not a dreg runner!

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Do you know what I especially love about this water bottle analogy that we’ve been on?  It’s this: I think it so accurately captures a very common confusion in conflicts.

Here’s our scenario…

Gene tells Bob that he won’t be able to join him for the movies. Bob reads into it that Gene is selfish – that he isn’t willing to give of his time to see the movie that Bob wants to see.  Gene is totally confused; he simply had prior plans.  There is no larger message or motive.  He simply is not available to go to the movies.  Yet Bob blames Gene for being selfish and wants Gene to own his selfishness.

Wow – that’s no fun.

Now what really happened?

Gene did a normal, non-moral action.  Given the invitation of going to the movies, he regretfully declines.  He has the right to say yes or no.  But Bob read motive into it – that Gene is selfish.  Bob had an impure thought, created a dreg, and then blamed Gene for that dreg.  He wants Gene to own the dreg.

But Gene’s water bottle is clear.  Why would Gene take Bob’s dreg?  If Bob wants to rid himself of the dreg, he can try to give it to Gene, but why would Gene own Bob’s impure thought?  Why would Gene be dregged down by it?  Why would Gene be a ‘dreg runner’? : )

This is why I love this illustration:

The water bottles offer such a clear picture of boundaries.  Bob created his own dreg, but he wants Gene to own it.  Look at the two pictures – how crazy is that?

Make no mistake – Satan loves to confuse us about our water bottles!

Satan is the great distorter of reality.  Recall in the garden when he tempted Eve to question God’s boundaries and his truth.  The consequences were disastrous. (Boundaries, 35)

If Satan can cause a rift by convincing us that our impure thought – our sin – belongs to another, oh how happy he can be!  If he can get us to accuse each other, oh how much easier that makes his job!  We then start taking each other out, and he can move on to creating other chaos.  All he has to do is get us confused about our boundaries.

Another way Bob can rid himself of the dreg is to purify it.  That rids of the dreg.  It gets it out of the water bottle – out of both water bottles!  Ahhh… back to a pure friendship!

So do you see what I love this illustration?  My dreg in my water bottle is my responsibility.  Another person’s dreg in their water bottle is not my dreg.  It is not my responsibility to own and confess their dreg.  In fact, it doesn’t even make sense!  I can’t confess another person’s sin for them. I can’t purify their dreg.  Only they can.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ~ 1 John 1:9

So our dregs are our responsibility.  We must own our dregs before the Lord.  Not blame another for them.

Ok, enough with the water bottles? : )  But may they help us remember…

Relational jostles are inevitable.  It isn’t the jostle that messes up the relationship; it’s the dregs.  May we commit to distilling our dregs!

It’s only one dreg!

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Sometimes we think our thoughts about another person are pretty pure because most of our ‘water’ is, well, clear.

But sometimes our ‘water’ (our thoughts about another person) looks clear…only because our dregs towards them have settled to the bottom.

There they are: the bottom-feeders.  The dregs.

Sometimes we forget about them after they’ve settled to the bottom.  We don’t even realize they are adding weight to our thoughts about our friend.  Or maybe we know about them, but we keep setting them aside.  Pushing them down.  Maybe hoping they’ll go away?  But they don’t.  They pull us down… and often our friend and friendship with it.

Then all it takes is one little jostle.

And the friendship that we thought was in the clear is suddenly filled with the dregs that have been pushed down to the bottom… for who knows how long.

Sometimes it surprises us. Other times we saw it coming.  But our dregs definitely shock our friend.  If we’ve been showing our pure ‘water’ to them, well, of course they are stunned when it is suddenly infiltrated with dregs!

Two girlfriends – both of whom I just think the world of – suggested to me recently that I reread Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries.  What a life changer it was for me over a decade ago!  And I think age has only enhanced its flavor : )

As I was reading, one sentence just jumped off the page at me.  It so poignantly captured the mess and hurt that a dreggy jostle can cause.  This is the quote in Boundaries language:

“Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically.” (109)

Yikes, right?  Even if you’ve never read Boundaries and have no idea what it’s talking about, you can still tell it hurts!

A boundary jostles. Even if it’s something as simple as “I’m sorry I can’t go to the movies with you tonight.”  With clear water, well, it’s no big deal.  We jostle, and we stay pure.  And our friendship stays pure.  But with sediment and dregs, we jostle, and… yuck.

Now for some crazy reason, some people like their dregs.  They want to hold on to them.  They choose to think dreggy thoughts about you.

That is totally worth grieving.

But a dreggy jostle doesn’t just reveal that our relationship is a mess.  It reveals that our relationship astonishingly *has been* a mess.  And that is really worth grieving.  We grieve that our friend has chosen to have dreggy thoughts at all… and especially for so long.  It’s hurtful when we learn how long the dregs have been collecting. And we grieve the loss that we invested into a friendship that wasn’t really as we thought.

What a mess dregs can make!  They lie at the bottom so innocuous, and so easy to forget or dismiss.

Now may I suggest that it is one little dreg – choosing to hold on to one measly little dreg – that actually begins the end of the friendship. One little dreg is how Satan starts.  One little dreg is how sin starts. Holding on to one little dreg is how relationships start to end.

So if you value the friendships you’re in, beware of one little dreg! Distill it.  Confess it and purify it before the Lord.  Renew your mind to think things about others that are ἁγνός – pure in the highest sense.

I am grateful that distillation is always a possibility in God’s world.  What peace there is in enjoying dreg-free thoughts about others. What delightful unity it enables to the Body. {happy sigh} The freedom and joy it brings to relationships is indeed life-giving.

So the choice for me?  Dreg free!