Tag Archives: complain

6 Ways to Respond to Complainers

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What do you do when someone starts complaining?

Tempting, isn’t it? : )

I’ve tried the ‘gentle redirect’ approach, where you simply try to start to subtly steer the conversation on a tangent.  But frankly, it often doesn’t work.  If someone is complaining or being critical, and they are passionate about what they are saying, and they think their insight is, well, insightful, they often sort of determined to continue with their story.  Even (should I admit this?) with double-teamed attempts to redirect!

And to be honest, especially if they are a fellow believer, I think they deserve a bit more straightforward approach.  When I am doing something that doesn’t honor the Lord, I want to know it so I can quit doing it in all situations.  Not just be mysteriously redirected so I don’t realize I’ve done something that I could be doing differently.  So out of respect for them, a loving conversation may be the most helpful and respectful.

But maybe you don’t have that role in a person’s life yet, or you’re in a conversational setting with several others or at a work meeting or at a family gathering.  For whatever reason, maybe you need some tools to more intentionally change a conversation.  To be direct but gentle and respectful.  To truly give offer a shot at changing the conversational dynamic.  So what do you do then when someone starts complaining?

IDEA #1: THE ‘FIX IT’ LITMUS

An article by TalentSmart suggests that listening to complaining can literally rot your brain!  They suggest asking how a person can fix a problem.  So maybe things like

“What are some ways you can influence this situation to improve?”

“How can you be part of improving this dynamic?”

I would be careful not to actually solve the situation for them.  You may help them find the appropriate tools and resources, but be sure to let them take the next step.  I’ve had seasons of my life where I’ve spent a lot of time doing what I think is problem-solving, but really I’m just running around trying to fix the latest complaint.  If you give a person the tools to solve their own problem, you’ll see quickly if they are talking about a problem to solve or the latest thing to complain about.

IDEA #2: THE ‘LIKE’ BUTTON

Sometimes it’s just a critical conversation, and there is nothing to do or fix.  Redirecting the conversation towards things that are admirable may be the best move:

“I think I am clear on the things you don’t like about ____________.  What are some of the things you do like about it/him/her?”

Often, the response starts with, “I just wish they would ____________.”  So be prepared – it may take saying the statement again to redirect the conversation.

IDEA #3: DIG DEEP

Happy Heart and Mind suggest several ideas, including seeking the reason behind the complaining.  If someone seems to be complaining a lot or critical about lots of things – especially if you can remember a time when your conversations with them were different, the best thing may be to check to be sure they are ok.

“Hey – I care a lot about you.  It seems to me you’ve had a lot of concerns lately.  Are you doing ok?”

This is best used one-on-one… or in a similarly safe setting, such as with their spouse.

IDEA #4: ALL HEART

A touch of empathy may be simply what they are craving.

“I am so sorry you experienced that.”

Be careful with this one – you don’t want to feed the complaining, but it can be worth a try!  Some people may sound like they are complaining, but they are really doing their best to try to process something.  A touch of care may be all their heart needs.

IDEA #5: THE E.R.

Sounds a bit intense, eh?  It’s simply offering Empathy (idea #4), then Refocusing on the task, project, or situation at hand.  Empathetic Refocusing, if you will.

“I am so sorry you experienced that.  And I do appreciate all you are doing to help with ______.  What do you think is the most important next step to move this project/situation forward?”

Psychology Today offers this example at work, “The printer jammed on you again? Gee, that’s incredibly annoying! I know it’s hard to shrug off those kinds of things but I hope you can be a trooper because we really have to get back to the Penske file…”

IDEA #6: BACK ON TRACK

If they are sharing a critical story about another person,

“It sounds like you have some concerns to discuss with that person.  I hope your conversation with them goes well.  Do you feel like you know what you’ll say to them?”

The response may be along the lines of, “I’m not going to bring it up with them,” or “I don’t think it’s polite to talk with them about it.”  Be prepared for your next response.  Maybe something along the lines of (very nicely and purely!), “Oh – then we probably shouldn’t talk about it either.  Let’s talk about something else – oh how is [hobby, work, kids, etc] going?”

THE LAST RESORT

If the conversation isn’t improving, and you’ve tried - clearly and directly tried, as a last resort, it may be best to excuse yourself.  You of course can’t change them, and that’s not your goal.  Your goal is to see if there is a valuable way to stay in the conversation.  I hugely advocate first trying to openly redirect!  But if others are intent on complaining, you may need to say,

“I’m sorry. I’m uncomfortable with this conversation.  I’m going to excuse myself.“

Simply say it nicely, politely, purely, and nonjudgmentally.  Their conversations are their choice.  Which ones you participate in are your choice.  Simply nicely step out.

(Now I’m not trying to be pedantic, but it may be helpful to practice saying this a few times. Nicely.  Purely.  Nonjugdmentally.  If you’re anything like me, you’d rather everyone just be nice and get along!  To actually have to say this can be a bit deer-in-the-headlights, and you’ll want the words to come to mind quickly.)

If it is at a work meeting, I would suggest adding, “Could someone please come get me when we’re on the next agenda item?” (Yes, I’ve done this, and it went over just fine.)

Again, I am a fan of clearly, nicely, and nonjudgmentally stating your reason. Others may think you’re extreme.  That’s ok.  It is respectful to them to be clear, and it offers an opportunity to convey the level of impact the conversation has on you.  It can certainly be hard!  But it is good and right and honoring. And we love that!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?  If you have tips or tricks, please share them below!  I’d love to hear what’s worked for you!

Grumble up!

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So the first part of James 5:9 tells us not to complain or grumble against one another.  And we’ve been camped out on thinking things that are admirable.  So should we complain or grumble at all?

The verb – στενάζω, translated complain or grumble – is used six times in the New Testament. Four times it is used towards heaven or longing for heaven and is ok:

1.     Mark 7:34 – Jesus does it while looking towards heaven as part of healing a man.  Since Jesus does it, the verb in and of itself isn’t sinful.

2.     Romans 8:23 – We groan inwardly as we wait for the redemption of our bodies.

3.     2 Corinthians 5:2 – We similarly groan longing to be in heaven.

4.     2 Corinthians 5:4 – We groan and are burdened while on earth because we long for heaven.

Twice it is used towards man and is *not* profitable:

5.     Hebrews 13:17 – We obey our leaders so that they lead with joy and not groaning, because the groaning towards us would be of no benefit to us.

6.     Here in James 5:9 – the only time it’s used as a command – as something we are not supposed to do towards one another.

It seems that the intensity with which we long or groan should be directed towards heaven… not towards man.  So if you want to grumble – if you’re really in a grumbling sort of mood – grumble not towards one another, but grumble and groan instead for the things of heaven. 

This is so cool.  I just love this shift!  Our struggles with fellow believers can actually remind us of our longing for heaven.  They may actually cause us to groan for the harmony of heaven.

So instead of grumbling at, we should grumble up. : )  We can groan and long for our eternal dwelling place of peace.  What a lovely place that will be!  And in that, we can rejoice.

The cure for grumbling!

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So if we’re trying to think on things that are admirable… which includes not complaining…  how exactly do we do that?  When life gets frustrating – when people get frustrating – what do I do?

Today I’m hanging out in James 5:9.  There is so much good stuff in here that I’m just going to hang out with a few words – the first part of the verse, where it tells us not to complain or grumble against one another.

In some respects, that’s straight up.  But sometimes we dance really close to this – or straight up ignore it. Sometimes we find ourselves complaining or grumbling against our brothers and sisters… and sometimes we even justify it. So what is it exactly that we are *not* supposed to do against one another?

James’ approach is interesting.  Instead of fully detailing what all classifies as grumbling or groaning, he instead tells us how to keep a wide berth from it.

One of the wise pastors with whom I’ve had the privilege of working challenges that often we want to know where the line is on something so we can get right up next to it without going over it.  Our question often is, “How much can I get away with without crossing the line?”  But instead of having our eye on the line, we should instead have our eyes on Christ and try to get as far away from the line as possible.  Our question should be, “How can I best glorify God and keep a wide berth from the line?”

And gratefully, James helps us know how to do this!

His command not to grumble against one another occurs in the context of patience and perseverance.  It’s actually part of a series of commands:

Be patient… be patient… strengthen your hearts… don’t grumble against each other…take the prophets as an example (and Job who persevered)

So it seems that staying away from grumbling against one another involves being patient and strengthening our hearts.  (And thus grumbling would seem to be something that involves lack of patience and a weak heart.)

I like the imagery conveyed here.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to be patient – I run out of ways to distract myself or motivate myself to persevere like Job.  But strengthening my heart – that helps.  That tells me how to be patient – by loving my brothers and sisters wholeheartedly.

And it makes sense that patience involves strengthening my heart, right?  After all, “Love is patient” (1 Cor 13:4).  And God is the source of all love, so if I stay connected to Him and His love, I can rest in His patience and the strength that it brings to love my brothers and sisters and not grumble against them.

PHOTO CREDIT:  Thanks, f_mafra!

I was a fool

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I had something to drop off quickly to her.  So I ran in, conversed for a few minutes, then headed back to my car.

As I walked back, the ‘so that’ of this verse was clear as day to me:

Do everything without complaining…

Those are the four words we’ve been camped on.  Yet it goes on in the next verses:

…so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life…

The part that was echoing in my mind was the ‘shine like stars.’

You see, it had been so long since I’d been around complaining that it was kind of like that ‘uck’ experience.  It tasted so unpleasant.  But it was more like a doom.  Or a dreariness.  It felt sort of ucky.  Oppressive may be too strong of a word.  But it felt sort of dead.

And walking back to my car, I realized anew why the verse talks about ‘shining like stars.’

There is life, vitality, and light in doing everything without complaining.

I didn’t fully realize this until I was away from it (and then stuck my toe back in it), but I couldn’t fully experience the ‘shine’ being around others who were complaining.

Hmmmm.  But is that worth separating a friendship over?  I mean, people complain.  I’d shared with them that I was going to try to stop.  They didn’t love that, but maybe they’d come around eventually?

That was my mindset. It sounded sane at the time.  But I – very, very reluctantly – now don’t think it was.

Fast forward several years after I committed to trying to do everything without complaining.  The ones I told of my conviction?  Well, they got mad at me for not venting more.

It was ugly.

And I was perplexed.

I believed the Lord had challenged me in this area.  And they weren’t excited about the challenge.  But I wasn’t forcing anything on them.  Yet years later, they were still, well, I guess hoping I would sort of recant?

I admittedly had at times.  But it felt gross.  I hated it.

So how did we end up here?  And what should I have done differently?

I think this:  I think I should have not just shared about what the Lord was challenging me, but I also should have asked them to join in the challenge.  Their response wasn’t super favorable, so if they were unwilling, I think – and I don’t like this part – it would have been right and good for me to reconsider their role in my life.

Yikes?  All over complaining?

I think yes. I think yes over anything that is at tension with drawing me down the path of the Lord.

These are some of the things that have helped me towards this conclusion…

I’ve been listening to a series by Andy Stanley called Guardrails.  It’s fantastic.  As a result of this series, several conclusions that have been crazy valuable to me.

1. Never confuse compassion and wisdom.

Andy says that compassion will never require you to make an unwise decision about yourself. It doesn’t contradict or conflict with wisdom. That’s misguided compassion.

Hmmm.

That’s exactly what happened to me. I wanted to show grace and care and patience and understanding that God may not be doing in their lives what He was doing in mine. So I continued with the same crew while I pursued a different path.

But there is more.

2. Pressing on can cause (foolish) suffering. 

Andy highlights a verse that has been echoing in my mind:

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. ~ Proverbs 27:12

WARNING TO ME!!! A prudent man sees danger and departs. The simple press forward. I saw the difference in our directions, but I pressed forward. I thought eventually they’d join my – God’s – path. I was a fool. And I suffered for it.

So how do I spot danger?  Andy offers several tips on when our conscience should light up. One was incredibly applicable for me:

When your core group isn’t moving in the direction you want your life to be moving.

It’s a little thing, but it should have been more of a trigger for me.

3.  Don’t try to help a fool.

Andy describes a fool like this:

A fool knows the difference between right and wrong but doesn’t care.

For me, that has been a huge key. They know the difference, but they don’t care.

You know, I’ve often heard pastors use the analogy that you can’t pull someone up because you’ll just get pulled down in the process. And while I see the value in it, I have had situations in my life where I have marched along a path and eventually others joined me. And it didn’t pull me down. So those illustrations haven’t set well with me.

But this time it did. It devastated me. I was simple, I kept going, and I suffered for it.

So what’s the difference? What was the difference this time?

I think with the illustration, it *is* possible to pull someone up. I know it is. I’ve experienced it. But the key difference is this: they were trying. They were open to it. They were sort of climbing up a little. Or they were at least curious about what was ‘up.’ That is when it is possible.

But when they are not open to it… when they are not desiring what is ‘up’… when they react negatively to what you believe the Lord is calling you to… that I now believe is the difference. When they don’t care. Or worse, want the opposite for you.

That is when – I now believe – it is time to reconsider their friendship in your life.

4.  Be willing to appear foolish.

Now really, all this over people who complain? Aren’t you making a mountain out of a molehill?

Maybe. But here is one of my other favorite takeaways from Guardrails:

A moral decision often ends up being pivotal in hindsight in direction in life.

Daniel is an example of this. He had a conviction about food. And that ended up being pivotal in his direction in life. A seemingly small, moral decision may totally change the trajectory of your life.

One more quote – this one from Andy’s Principle of the Path!

Once you determine to act on what you see, you can expect two things: embarrassment and relief. Embarrassment because it will appear to the simple around you that you are overreacting. In an effort to be wise, you may appear to be foolish, even fearful. But the prudent don’t react to what they see in their current situation. They react to what they see on the horizon.

5.  Pursue this with all humility.

My new takeaway is to help guard against being a fool! Ugghh. I don’t like it, but I have certainly hope I’ve learned my lesson about keeping going and suffering for it!

Totally pursue it with trepidation – healthy fear in the Lord – and caution and humility and care. This is not about having a litmus test for friendship. This is not about dissing friends or cutting them off. This is about passionately pursuing the things of the Lord and inviting others to do so with you. And if they hear and you’ve clearly explained and they have no interest in honoring the Lord – if they want to stick to their complaining and want you to, too – those are the relationships worth grieving before the Lord.

For some, this sounds harsh. And I totally get that. For others, this sounds obvious. You’re much wiser than I!

Lots to chew on. My prayer for you – and for me – is this… that we may do everything without complaining – and be surrounded by others doing the same! That as we hold firmly to the word of life, we may, like stars in the universe, shine!

Your fellow partiers

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It took me a long time to realize I’d done it wrong.

Years.

And years.

And even then, I wasn’t sure if I agreed with my new conclusion. I had this sort of tug-of-war between what I wanted to be true and what I think God may actually suggest is true.

So I totally understand if you disagree with me today. I did for a really long time.

As I embarked on my journey to do everything without complaining, I wanted my fellow partiers to know about what I felt like the Lord was challenging me to do. So I shared with them what the Lord had impressed on me: that I was uncomfortable how I talked about others around them, and I didn’t want them to ever question or wonder how I talked about them when they weren’t around. So out of care for others – and them – and because I felt like the Lord was challenging me to, I was going to quick talking critically about others to them. I wanted in general to only talk about – and think about! – others as if they were right in front of me. Respectfully. As God’s creations deserve.

The Lord affirmed His challenge to me with verses like Philippians 2:14 – to do everything without complaining, and Proverbs 29:11 – a fool vents.

Now this FIRST STEP I actually highly recommend. It gives those close to you a heads up that you’re not all of a sudden withholding information from them… or unwilling to talk about subjects you used to… or doesn’t send any potentially incorrect messages like you suddenly don’t trust them with information or anything. So I highly recommend sharing your new challenge to do everything without complaining with those close to you.

That part was valuable. But these next two steps I didn’t think of at the time. But I wish I’d done them.

The SECOND STEP I recommend is this: invite them to join you in the challenge.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Hopefully it is for you! Hopefully they say, “Great! I love it. The Lord says it, so let’s do it!”

If so, blog post is done! No need to keep reading. You have your fellow partiers… and your party – and afterparty! – is underway. Enjoy. Party on!

But they may not respond so excitedly. After all, complaining is sort of a ‘part’ of people. It’s their ideas, their perceptions, their ‘insights,’ and some find it incredibly valuable and hard to let go of.

An image comes to mind. Is this too much? Uggh. It’s emblazoned on my mind.

We were walking in DC one day and saw one of their many homeless men on the street corner. He had a whole slew of bottles lined up around him. Tons. And tons. And I couldn’t figure out what was in them. It kind of looked like beer maybe? What was that? Some kind of drink?

One of my friends explained: The man had nothing. So there was actually something comforting about having something in his possession. Something to his name. So apparently its pretty common to keep bottles of – are you ready for this? – urine. They are a possession. They are his. And in some way that both seems really weird but then sort of started to make sense, they are valuable to him because they are a part of him.

Yeah. Sorry for the gross visual! But at least I didn’t include a picture, right? So that’s sort of what starts to come to mind after I started to realize and get adjusted to how ucky complaining was. People’s complain-y thoughts are theirs, and they love them. They feel valuable because they are a part of them. They are their insights and ideas. So it can be hard for them to let go of them. That is, until the Lord helps impress upon them how ucky they are.

So my old mindset was this: God works on different people at different paces.

And I totally believe that’s the case. There are things the Lord has done in your life that He still needs to work on in me. And this complaining thing – He’s worked on that with me – and we’re of course still working, but maybe this is the first time He’s impressed it on you. There are other things – or maybe even this thing! – that you’re farther down than the road than I. And that’s what’s fun about the Christian kingdom. I would be hard-pressed to say that there is anyone who is farther down the road than you or me at everything pertaining to Christ. Even a brand new believer – they may be stronger at having childlike faith or exuding joy or any of lots of things that a seasoned believer can be refreshed in and reminded of.

I still believe my old mindset, but its application is so different for me that it actually kind of feels like a new mindset.

Old way…

me: “God’s working on me to not talk critically about others and not do things without complaining, etc.”

someone else: “Ugghhh.”

me: {thinking} That’s ok. God is working on us at different paces and places. I’m sure they are ahead of me in lots of ways, and this is simply an area that God is working on me in. But not them. Ok.

Grace is a wonderful thing. But I think I was applying it wrongly.

It took lots of struggling… and pain… and hurt… and broken relationships… and, in all honesty, reticence to still accept because I wish it weren’t true. But this is what I now believe is the new way.

This is really hard… it’s even hard for me to type. And it might sound mean. I hope you’ll give me a chance to unpack it next time. Because I really think it’s the Lord’s heart. Reluctantly – I reluctantly think that. But I do think it’s the Lord’s heart. So STEP THREE is this: If fellow believers don’t want to take the challenge with you, it is right and good … {gulp} … and hard and may feel mean … to reconsider their role in your life.

{thud}

Like one of those deadening {thud}s.

This isn’t so much feeling like a party anymore, eh?

I don’t like this part of life, in all honesty. I want everyone to be at the party together. And I want everyone to *want* to be there. But if you’re partying in non-complain land, and you have complainers all around you, are you really in non-complain land?

That’s sort of a weak start… I promise to unpack it more next time. Please come back! I don’t want to leave you hanging on this sour note. But I’m guessing I alone can’t convince you. The Lord will have to do much of that. And it took me years and years to be willing to accept step 3. I’ll at least give you the weekend! I think you’re smarter than I. And I pray the Lord’s quick clarity for you. It saves lots of pain, heartache, mis-invested relationships, and misapplied grace. Ughh. I still don’t like the reality of it. But I do think there is value in its truth.

(of course there is! There is always value in God’s truth : ))

Enjoy your weekend. I’ll see you back here next week!

The Afterparty

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Living life by doing everything without complaining is truly a party.  I mean, why hang out in the yucky things of life?  Keeping our focus on what the Lord is doing… and how He wants us doing it – without complaining!… is such an enjoyable way to live life.

And as if that’s not enough, the afterparty is fantastic!  Not only do we get more enjoyable days that – do you remember this goodness?  ‘support the whole life of the soul‘ – but it also enables a whole cascade of other delights!

Here are a few favorites I’ve experienced…

1.       Better solutions

When I don’t complain, I’m more solution-oriented.  I’m more focused on the actual problem.  I do far less disparaging of a person, their character, and their possible motives.  I think more admirably of them, which, in all honesty, frees my thoughts towards more productive stuff – like actually understanding and solving the problem.

 

2.       Better positioned to honor the Lord

What I love about all this is this:  I can’t take a lick of credit for it.  God’s smart, of course.  When we do things without complaining, it’s much easier to also keep his other commands, like “In your anger, do not sin.”

And in ucky situations, when we don’t complain, other commands are much closer in reach.  “Rejoice always.” “Give thanks in every circumstance.”  If we’re not heading down the complaining path – but instead down the party path - they seem a mite bit less impossible.  If we’re following one of God’s commands by not complaining, we’re better positioned to be able to follow His others.

{These next two are a bit awkward to write. My heart is that every lick of glory goes to the Lord.  I pray I’ve conveyed that!}

3.       More respect

This piggy-backs on #2.  It’s for sure one of the things for which I can’t take a lick of credit!

As I work through my ‘recent unpleasantness,’ it is such a blessing to me when the Lord is honored with responses from others like, “Wow.  You talk so respectfully about them.”  “I’ve never heard someone process so much hurt with so much respect.”  “Hmm….  I don’t sense bitterness in you… but actually, oddly, respect.” Now I can’t take any credit for any it!  It’s simply God’s way.

I believe that not complaining about others helps enable it.  I believe that thinking things that are admirable about others enables it.  In the midst of messes, it is truly an honor to speak and think honorably about others.

4.       Confrontation is easy

Yes, you read that correctly!  When I do things without complaining, confrontation is easy.  Why?  Because it’s not really ‘confrontation.’  When we communicate to others with respect, it’s much harder for things to get messy.  Dare I say – nearly impossible?

I am humbled by others’ feedback when they feel I’ve said something directly but respectfully – actually in a way that respects them and builds them up though I’m asking for something to change. And again, I can’t take a lick of credit for it.  It’s the overflow of God’s Word.

It simply starts by implementing one of his commands, “Do everything without complaining…”  And that cascades into so much other goodness.

It’s a blessing of an afterparty – and it’s credit goes all to the Lord!

QUESTION:  As you’ve been doing everything without complaining, what are your ‘afterparty’ joys?

The party path

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It’s so stinking much fun!

Seriously.

The God of the universe says, “I don’t want you thinking about complain-y things. I want you thinking about non-complain-y things.”

And we tend to respond, “NO. I want to think about complain-y things. I want to think about the drudge and the mess and the ucky stuff and the worst possible things about a situation. I want to focus on the things that are going wrong and be negative about them. I want to focus on the things people are doing wrong and be critical about it. I want to focus on why I think they did this or that and be cynical about it. I want to focus on the uck.”

And God’s saying, “Why?”

Or maybe He’s not. But after you take the challenge, I think you’ll be saying it!

There’s a party going on. It’s in Non-Complain Land. And it’s stinkin fun to go through life not complaining. You get more enjoyment out of life, increased emotional energy, cultivated optimism, increased propensity towards action, postive and healthier relationships… and you give honor to the Lord! And as if that’s not enough, there is an after-party, too. I’ll tell you about that next time!

So we have a party, and after-party… what else do we need? Fellow partiers! Coming up (and this part was a bit different than I thought)!

Until then, I hope you’re enjoying thinking about things that are admirable. Imagine – God’s saying, “Stay out of the uck. And come into the good stuff.”

Question: What are you enjoying about your ‘do everything without complaining’ challenge?

A Whole New World

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So let’s say ‘complaining’ is something we dabble in from time to time.  Or maybe we even indulge in it.  It feels ‘normal.’  Others around us do it. And its bonding. And sometimes, we even enjoy it.  After all, people complain, right?

And then we read some crazy blog (or better, Bible!) that challenges us to do everything without complaining. And we start to wonder if we should take on this challenge.  But how do we even go about it?  What do we think about?  What do we talk with others about?  It seems restrictive. And hard.  And well, weird.

Is it?

  • It’s like when we gave up TV for a week – or more.  When my husband and I wanted to commit to this, it had honestly become such a habit that at first we sort of wondered, “What are we going to do in the evening?  What are we going to do with our time?”  But it didn’t take long.  We went for an evening walk and found ourselves stopping longer to talk to neighbors.  We didn’t feel a ‘need’ to get back to catch up on our shows.  We ended up at a neighbor’s house just chatting for a couple of hours.  How fun!  And that was our first evening even trying!
  • Or it’s like starting my new diet.  I recently learned I needed to avoid dairy.  Translation: no ice cream. At first, that doesn’t at all seem like fun.  It seems restrictive and limiting.  One of our favorite comedians, Brian Regan, has a whole gig about when he had to give up dairy.  He went to the grocery store and saw the dairy aisle – and it was like everyone was having a fun celebration with party hats on.  (2:50 – 3:25 – other than his affection for h*e*{double hockey sticks}, he’s super clean and funny!)  At first it feels like you’re missing out.  But then you discover things that you might never have explored otherwise.  Like did you know you can freeze a banana, then put it in the food processor (or through a Yonanas) and it comes out like a creamy bowl of goodness?  It has a consistency of ice cream or frozen yogurt, but it’s healthy?   And if you mix blackberries in with it, it comes out a fun purple color?  And with peanut butter it tastes really scrumptious?  And now I have a whole new world of fun treats… healthy treats… delicious treats.  But I may never have discovered or been drawn to this whole new world without avoiding the party in the dairy aisle!

  • Or it’s like talking about Christ with someone who is exploring, and they respond, “What do you Christians do for fun anyway?  I mean, if you don’t go to bars and get drunk and if you don’t hook up with people, what do you do?”  And when you haven’t done that for years and years – or you’ve never done it, it doesn’t quite even enter the realm of enticing and fun.  You’re having so much fun with your friends and hobbies and relationships and volunteering and serving and loving and other things that those aren’t at all enticing.

So while it may seem restrictive at first, eventually we discover a whole new world out there.  (You’re welcome for getting images of Jasmine and Aladdin stuck in your head. : ))

And you no longer are stuck on the ‘off limits’ sign.  Because the way you think… and the things you think about… and the way you think about others… and the possibilities you consider… and the enriching, heartening, elevating, solution-oriented thoughts that go through your head are, well, so enticing!

I credit Mike Mason for doing such a good job capturing this concept for me.  I fell in love with his Mystery of Marriage well before I got married.  And I’ve just loved his Champagne for the Soul.  He writes beautifully and insightfully about his 90 day challenge to truly be joyful always.  I loved his perspective on whether this was restrictive:

To be happy is not to be cut off from the full gamut of normal feelings.  Happy people do not lobotomize their minds or castrate their emotions… Anyone who doesn’t allow room for sadness, anger, and suffering cannot remain happy.  The joy of the Lord is all-inclusive, deriving its strength from the very fact that it has carefully considered every aspect of reality under the sun, yet still remains happy.  (p158)

Kind of reminds me of our teddy bear effect!  In not complaining, God’s not asking people to castrate their thoughts, but to consider every aspect of reality and to love ‘the whole bear’ – not just focus on his tattered part.

Ok, so that part I like, but this next paragraph I *love*!

Choose to build your life on anything but joy, and you’ll be unstable.  Only joy provides a foundation firm enough to support the entire life of the soul.

Do you love that!  There is stability in building our lives just as God intends.  His desires give us a firm foundation to support the entire life of the soul.  It’s not just a ‘more positive’ experience to include joy or not complaining.  It provides a fullness and a richness and a strength for our entire life!

God’s name “I AM” (Exodus 3:14) denotes His constancy – the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  We, by contrast are characterized by inconstancy—so much so that we can hardly conceive of being joyful all the time.

Does that sound like our complaining – we can hardly conceive of all the time doing everything without complaining?

Ok, so here it is.  This is the line I *LOVE*!

We sidestep the challenge of such a life by calling it too narrow, when really we’re evading the development of a character as dependable as God’s.

Some things initially seem too narrow – like doing *everything* without complaining.  So we sidestep the challenge of it by dismissing it as narrow.  But when we do that, we miss something precious the Lord has for us.  We evade what He longs for us, what He desires for us, what He delights to give us – a beautiful development of character.  That is, a beautiful development of character that looks more like God’s.

I.  love.  it.

It’s a whole new world.

It seriously is!

one of those 4-word days!

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Sometimes my quiet times are simply 3 or 4 little words.

That’s all.

Some people are Bible-marathoners.  And I love that.  It’s awesome to read through the Bible in a year.

But some days, I can’t get past 3 or 4 words.  That’s all.  I’ve got too much to work on – too far to go – to digest much more than that.  And then sometimes I sit on those 3 or 4 words for days.  Or weeks.  Or longer.  This ‘becoming holy’ thing can take quite a bit of work for me (of course with the Holy Spirit)!

One of those days I was happily reading Philippians.  So much good stuff in there.  And I opened one morning and started to pick up where I left off – at Philippians 2:14.  So I’m off and reading.. then {jolt}.  It became a 4 word day.

This is what I read:

Do everything without complaining…

Do you ever want to keep reading and pretend like you didn’t read what you read and look for something else you can work on applying?  : )

It’s kind of weird – there is something about it that feels like we’re giving up so much. It doesn’t say, “Give all your money away and everything you ever dreamed of and go live in a hut in Africa.”  (which would be totally fine if that’s God’s prerogative, of course)  But there is something about it that just feels like it’s challenging us to give up stuff down to our core.  Our thoughts, opinions, perceptions, conclusions – if we truly ‘do everything without complaining,’ these are all affected.

Ugghh for 4 word days!

Now you may be much faster at this whole sanctification thing than I.  If you are, hallelujah!  My 4 word day turned into days.  Which turned into weeks.  Which still gets me sometimes even years later!  So I certainly don’t have this ‘sanctification’ thing down yet, but I am so glad to be on the journey…

Those 4 words completely changed my outlook on so many things.  When I honor them, it truly is like a whole new world.  It helps me in thinking about our current Philippians 4:8 word, admirable.  It helps me abstain from inauspicious words – keeping from saying unfavorable things.  And truly, it helps me with so much more.

I’m excited to share with you some of my journey in applying this – or attempting to, at least!  And I invite you to come along.  Consider if the Lord may be asking you to apply this to your life, too.

It may seem unrealistic at first.  And it begs a lot of questions: I mean, what does that really mean?  Isn’t some complaining ok?  Aren’t your suppressing or squelching negativity?  Isn’t that more destructive later?  How in the world do you do that?  And what do you talk about if you don’t complain?

Those are great questions.  Let’s tackle them!  And I’ll include one more, “Is there anything you wish you would have done differently in your journey not to complain?”  (the answer is yes!!)

For now, I’d love to invite you to consider this question:

Is the Lord asking you to have a 4-word day?

I invite you to noodle and pray on it.  See if this is what the Lord wants you to work on right now.   It does feel a bit counter-cultural at times.  But it is a delightful journey and a wonderful challenge.  When I revert back to my old ways… ughh.  I’ll tell you that story next time!