Shorten your Backswing

Posted on May 21, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I took a golf lesson once.

Dave and I thought it might be fun to play golf together, so I took a lesson to learn how.

I hit one shot that was surprisingly gorgeous. I don’t tend to be good at things that involve balls, so I was quite surprised. This might actually be my deal!

So I lined myself up, got my hands all in position, and took another shot.

It felt *exactly* the same. Just like the one before.

But the ball didn’t careen down the fairway like before.

It kind of did a tink, dribble, plop.

I looked at my instructor, incredibly confused. The swings felt identical!

He responded,

“Now you know why golf is a four letter word.”

Cute.

I didn’t last long as a golfer, but there is one tip I picked up that apparently is incredibly important: Shorten your backswing.

It’s apparently a pretty big deal. It helps golfers

Be more in control
Hit fewer errant shots.

It helps keep the ball going down the fairway and out of the brush and sand traps.

May I suggest that the same is true of conflict? Shortening our backswing makes all the difference.

When we get ready to make contact, how far back we’ve gone with our backswing greatly affects our shot. When we get ready to approach someone, if we’ve let our mind go all kinds of places presuming to know why they did what they did, characterizing them, presuming to connect it with this action or that one, our shot starts to get unwieldy. We take it past the recommended and get into high-sticking territory. It gets messy up there.

One golf coach’s insight is right on:

“The problem for most people is that they do not realize how far back they are taking the club.”

We think we’re just ‘processing.’ We believe our perceptions are reality. We consider our critical question, “Is it in the Bible?” and we get the answer jumbled. *Our* answer is in the Bible… though their action may not be. They may have simply taken the crusty part of the bread, and we presume they are selfish. We feel justified that our thoughts are right, because the motive we feel sure of behind their action is in Scripture. Selfishness is a sin, so we think we need to confront them on it.

But clarifying the question is critical, “Is the actual, factual action that they did in the Bible?” We’ve discussed what to do if the answer is yes. And what to do if it’s no. Today’s is tricky. It’s about what to do if the answer is practically:

“I mean, it’s practically in the Bible. The motive that I feel sure is behind their action is in the Bible.”

And we swing that club into unwieldy territory. We just go a little further back… and a little further back. We think we’re digging deeper and really getting to the root. We think it’ll make our conversation go farther faster.

But it doesn’t. It causes us to lose control. Our shot becomes errant. And here we are, needing a bunch of extra effort and strokes to get out of the bunker – out of the hazard or depression – and back onto the green.

It makes a mess when we get the answer to our question confused.

The good news?

“Shortening your back swing does not take a major amount of ability to do, but it will feel a little strange for a while.”

It’s not hard. It just feels awkward. Like any habit, it takes some intentionality to change.

We advocate simply Stop, Drop, and Roll to help with this. To be sure we’re sticking just to the actual, factual actions.

It’s all about being intentional. We choose how far back we go.

To do this smoothly, the golf coach advocates,

“Slow down the speed of your back swing.”

We’ve got a great way to help you slow down your backswing: Run your thoughts through our trusty {dhs} sifter. Is what you’re thinking about this person actually factually true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy?

Talk about slowing down our backswing! Run our wound up thoughts and emotions through each of those adjectives. Slow it down, and be sure our backswing is small. It makes for a much better hit!

It’s so worth it. It helps us be more in control. Hit fewer errant shots. It keeps us from yelling “Fore!”… or yelling at all. It keeps our relationship from landing in the brush or sand trap. It helps us make progress without all the extra messy strokes in between.

It helps us thrive in the lush and green.

If we simply shorten our backswing.

the blessing of the bite

Posted on May 16, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

When I was little, we had a white poodle named Beau. He taught me a very important lesson one day.

We were standing at the bottom of the stairs. Beau was standing with three paws on the ground floor and one paw resting on the stair. I think we were listening to my mom or dad tell us something. But there we were… just standing.

Now when I was little, I had a thing with symmetry. It was the 80s, and lopsidedness was in. The side ponytail. Shirts tied in a knot on the side. Dresses with bows on one side. And it just seemed to me that things should be symmetrical. If there is a bow on one side of the dress, the other side of the dress should have a bow, too. That was my take.

So here is Beau standing asymmetrically at the bottom of the stairs. He has three paws on the ground and one front paw resting on the stair. I thought that must be uncomfortable. Surely he’d be more comfortable with all four paws on the ground! So I reached down to move the paw that was resting on the stair onto the ground.

Beau didn’t agree. He quite liked his paw resting just where it was. He didn’t want it resting on the ground.

So he bit me.

That is one of my few memories of Beau, but it did teach me something important.

Just because I think someone should do something a certain way doesn’t mean they think they should do it that way.

Just because I think something should be done a certain way doesn’t mean it should be done that way. Though I may prefer it one way, they may prefer it another. It’s their life, their stance, and their choice. They get to stand how they want, and I get to stand how I want.

We can spend a lot of time in life on how we think people should do things. How we think they should stand. How we think they should respond. How we think they should run their meeting. How we think they should structure their department. How we think they should interact with their kids. How we think they should do their hair. And on. And on.

And we can justify it. “But this is a principle!” “But this is my conviction!” All kinds of things that help us believe they should live according to our opinion.

There were for sure people in Scripture that had opinions about how people should do things. Strong convictions. They were certain this is how things should be done. And they seemed like godly things. They spent their time and energy teaching people to do these principles and practices that they came up with. Principles and practices that they were convicted were how people should do things. Principles and practices that seemed close to godliness.

Yet Jesus wasn’t a fan.

At all.

He had plenty of things to say about them. Not good things, that is.

He didn’t want people spending their time convincing others to do their personal convictions. He didn’t want people seeing if others measured up to their personal constructs of how life should be lived. That’s a distraction from our true focus.

He wanted people spending time on Him.

He added some additional things that are for sure worth addressing, but nowhere does he tell *us* to add additional things worth addressing.

And he has pretty biting words for those who do: Brood of vipers. Sons of hell.

We’ve got to be careful. Our opinions may seem helpful. Our convictions may seem valid. But what matters is the Word. What matters is the Lord.

All the rest?

We allow as the Lord allowed: freedom.

That’s the blessing of the bite. It keeps us out of the things we needn’t opinionate on… and squarely focused on what’s doggone good.

when not to intervene

Posted on March 12, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Sally had a great relationship with her boss. She felt like she could approach him about most anything.

Nancy, her coworker, was new on the job. She had great ideas, but she didn’t always have a lot of confidence in herself or her ideas. She ran her ideas by Sally. She felt comfortable around her, and Sally strengthened her in the ideas.

One day Sally could sense it. Nancy had an idea that would greatly help her productivity – and in truth, it was critical for her long-term success at the church. Yet Nancy was reticent. She wanted the issue to change, yet she didn’t want to take the critical step to make the change happen: talk to her boss.

Sally knew she could solve this in a jiffy. She felt comfortable approaching the boss, and she thought for sure he would go with it.

Yet she remembered a story.

So she waited.

She checked in with Nancy on occasion. She wanted to know how Nancy was doing, if she thought the issue was still important, and how she was feeling about approaching it with her boss.

Sally offered to help Nancy come up with the wording she would use to approach her boss. She offered to role play. She offered to pray with her that the Lord would give her the words and the timing… and the conviction. She offered to pray that the boss would respond favorably. And they discussed wording. A lot. And they discussed how to handle possible worst case scenarios. And they prayed. A lot.

Sally offered almost everything to be helpful.

Yet there was one thing she didn’t offer: to approach their boss for Nancy.

She could have. She had no qualms about doing it. She felt pretty confident the boss would say yes. She didn’t think it would turn into a conflict or a detrimental situation.

Yet she chose not to.

She chose a different route: to do all she could to help strengthen Nancy.

It took eight months.

For eight months, Sally checked in with Nancy, prayed with her, and discussed the potential conversation.

And then one day… finally…it happened.

It took a lot of courage.

It felt to Nancy like a confrontation.

But she did it.

She made the request.

Sally couldn’t have been more overjoyed! Yes, she could have gotten it done faster. This approach took longer. It involved more of a struggle. But it strengthened Nancy as it gave her confidence to step out. It taught her to be strong and courageous. And now instead of one person’s being strong and courageous, there are two. Now there are two of them willing to speak up for what was best. There are two of them to help advance the kingdom.

Now there are two.

Why did Sally do it that way? Because she remembered this story…

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.

The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.

The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.

But neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly…

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

As you go through school, and life, keep in mind that struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes you to develop your ability to fly.

Our gift to others can be to help give them stronger wings. It strengthens them – and thus the kingdom.

It can be oh so tempting to step into a conflict situation, to resolve it for someone, to circumvent the struggle. Of all people, God knows this best. His Son hung on a cross. Oh how ‘nice’ it would have been if there were a way to circumvent that struggle.

But going through the struggle is part of the journey. It is part of God’s plan. So instead, He strengthened Him. And the kingdom. For our good and His glory.

So today’s reminder is this: Don’t circumvent another’s struggle. The Lord has a plan. You have a role. Stay in it! Don’t try to fix things for someone. Don’t bust their cocoon. Don’t ‘help’ them by disabling them.

Put your scissors away.

Instead, encourage and strengthen them. Help them be strong and courageous so that they can emerge and fly. Strengthen them, and thus the kingdom.

photo credit: Dave Battle

like Tim Tebow

Posted on December 30, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

Remember the last time Facebook made an update – or anytime they’ve made an update? : ) At first everyone gets frustrated. It’s different. It doesn’t feel intuitive. And it’s frustrating to have to change what came naturally to us – where we could find things, what buttons to press, what settings were automatic. It’s awkward at first – until we become used to it. Then we almost forget the change ever happened.

Or when Word added their ribbon at the top. Was it Windows 7? All of a sudden I couldn’t find anything. Nothing was where it used to be. It was so frustrating at first. And felt awkward. But eventually I figured it out. And eventually the new ribbon became intuitive. And eventually I kind of forgot that it used to be different.

Or Tim Tebow. With his throw that probably felt very natural for him. Then they spent the summer changing it up so he’d have more control. It likely felt really awkward at first – not at all like a throw should feel like. Until he got the new way down. For more control and accuracy. For the better.

Some of the stuff we’ve talked about – like being super intentional with our thoughts so we’re *sure* they are worthy of confronting… and some of the things we’re about to talk more about – like how to approach someone well… well, it may at first feel like a Facebook update. Or a Word ribbon. Or a Tebow throw. It may feel like,

“But I’m not a ‘joyful’ type person. I’m not a ‘lovely’ type person. I mean, it’s nice if someone wants to ponder things that are pure and lovely, but I’m a realist. I see people as they really are. I see gunk. I see ill-motives. All your Philippians 4:8 stuff isn’t really me.”

If that’s the case, then I’d say, you’re right. That’s why we’ve spent so much time unpacking it. Because it doesn’t come naturally. That’s why it is a *command* to think on things that are true, noble, and right. Because it’s not our nature. We don’t have commands to breathe, because that’s our nature! We are commanded to λογίζομαι because that’s not our nature.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ~ Philippians 4:8

It requires intentionality. And apparently a lot of it, as it’s a theme in Scripture!

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ~ Colossians 3:2

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ~ 2 Corinthians 10:5

Thinking on things that are true, noble, and right is an intentional reckoning. λογίζομαι is an accounting term used for calculating, computing, weighing. It involves careful reasoning – not haphazard pondering.

We encourage such careful intentionality in our thoughts because – well, of course because the Lord says it! One of the great reasons why He says it is because it so impacts our relationships. Relationships are worth it! As we’ve said, relationships are more valuable than speculations and valid perceptions. They deserve truth. And that’s what λογίζομαι is all about: fact.

“This word deals with reality. If I reckon (λογίζομαι) that my bank book has $25 in it, it has $25 in it. Otherwise I am deceiving myself. This word refers more to fact than supposition or opinion.”

It’s a high calling… and one we are to do, well, always:

The middle voice is reflexive which means that you yourself are to continually initiate this action and participate in the effects or results thereof.

Yikes, right? We’re back to “but I can’t do that!” And again, we’re back to, “You’re right!” Note in the preceding verse (Philippians 4:7) we are assured that God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ. Consider the writer. Paul – the one who persecuted Christians. The one who had them killed. If the Lord got Paul to a place where he’s talking about thinking things that are true and noble… um, I think he’ll get us there, too.

The Lord will help us… but we do indeed have responsibility in this! To win the battle (of our minds! not of the conflict : )), we must consider our thoughts intentionally. It requires effort – like ‘taking captive’! It is not a passive pondering. It is an active believing:

We λογίζομαι that we are dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus (Romans 6:11). We actively believe it!
We λογίζομαι that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18). We actively believe it!

Intentional, active… and important! We must pay attention to what we’re paying attention to. The stakes are high! Higher than getting our Facebook status posted or our football throw accurate! : )

“God’s standard for His children is that we should sit in judgment upon every thought that flickers through our minds. If it cannot pass the test of ringing true and being of honest worth, righteous, incorruptible, and attractive, it is to be rejected and repudiated. If you introduce one drop of contaminated water into a pitcher of cool water, the cool, refreshing, pure water will not purify that defilement, but the defilement will corrupt the pure; so these thoughts will contaminate your mind. Satan wants to turn your mind into a cesspool and have your mind occupied with that which ultimately must corrupt, defile, and spoil the whole body, distort the life, and produce sin.” ~ Dwight Pentecost

The real battle may not be the conflict we are about to face. The real battle is in our minds. We have *got* to win the battle of our minds *before* we go into ‘battle’ in conflict with another.

“The battle is not first in the field of action; it is in the field of thought.” ~ Dwight Pentecost

The battle of our minds must be won, and it can be won.

For great benefit:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. ~ Romans 12:2a

We can be *renewed* by the transforming of our minds. And our relationships, too!

*Then* we are ready for the field of action:

*Then* you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~ Romans 12:2b

As we wrap up almost a year on our minds – on thinking things that are Philippians 4:8 to be sure they are worthy of confronting! - I cannot underscore this enough: *First* we run our thought through our {dhs} sifter to determine if it is worthy of confronting, *then* we take action as we approach the other person well. *First* we renew our minds, *then* we take action. Our relationships, our God, and ourselves are worth it!!

photo credit: Clemed

bah humbug!

Posted on December 27, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

I hope you get to live every day of your life in amazing, healthy relationships. I’d like that!

And I hope you never need to know these terms.

But just in case, I think they’ll prove valuable – and help you remember that *you* are valuable!!

Our first story involves our neighbors. Right at the end of election season, one of our guy neighbors woke up to a very unhappy letter on his front door. It seems the woman who lives near him wasn’t practicing her {dhs sifter}! What really happened was that the wind blew her political sign out of her yard. What she accused our neighbor of happening was that he ripped the sign out and threw it near the trash. She claimed he ‘did’ this because he was racist, so she threatened him. The letter was at best hurtful and crazy, and at worst, well, a very un-fun term:

An Assault is an intentional unlawful threat by word or act to do violence to another with the apparent ability to carry out the threat.

Crazy, huh?

The “apparent” ability to being able to carry out this threat is whether the victim believed it – not whether it was factually possible. If the victim is put in fear the apparent ability exists.

So even though ‘assault’ sounds like a person was physically harmed, it’s actually just the *threat* of harming them.

Note that assault does not involve any actual contact. The raising of a fist in a striking motion is an act. Also note that the threat can be by “word.”

Stinks, right? I mean, here we are living in a happy neighborhood, and all of a sudden, our neighbor wakes up to assault. Bummer.

He is familiar with these terms, and he had the threat in writing, so he called the Sheriff and filed a report of assault. The Sheriff came out and took it from there.

Now states are different, and I am by no means acting here with legal advice. What I do want to communicate is this: You are valuable. God wants you to be treated that way. And our country takes it very seriously when you are not treated that way.

Now if you were assaulted, it does not mean that you have to press charges. You may choose to try to resolve it on your own first. I’m new at this, so if you have input or experiences, please share! But this is what I have learned. With assault – and with the term I’ll share below – both simply involve filing a report. As I understand it, most states take it from there. That means the actual pressing of charges is determined by the state, not by you. If the person repents or apologizes, you may give that testimony should the state press charges, but – as I understand it – you don’t ‘drop charges.’ The state determines whether or not to pursue criminal charges. (As I understand it, you could file a civil charge for damages if you’d like, but when you simply file a report, the state determines whether or not to press criminal charges.)

An assault is in many states a second degree misdemeanor. That means that writing a note out of anger threatening someone could cause you to end up with up to 60 days in jail and a $500 fine. Yikes.

Crazy, right? How quickly ‘venting’ or not controlling one’s anger can become serious!

Now if it’s domestic violence, the consequences are much more serious. And if it’s with a deadly weapon – like if someone raises a baseball bat at you, it’s aggravated assault. So be careful in your anger that you do not sin… and that you do not end up waiving a baseball bat at someone. (Note: This does not apply to, for example, an intruder in your home. Defending yourself against an intruder is different from aggravated assault.) Aggravated assault is in some states a third degree felony. A felony means losing your civil rights such as the ability to vote, bear arms, and hold public office. Third degree means it is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

And all of that is not even touching a person.

I was recently involved in a situation where a person touched me in their anger. There are few things as scary. It is devastating for a relationship. And for me, it feels like a huge load: What in the world do I do? If the person has no desire to get help, is it best to file a report to protect me and encourage their getting help? Is it best to be patient and hope they get help on their own? It’s scary and stressful. (Just to be clear – it was not my husband. He is my biggest advocate and supporter!)

So here’s the deal with touching someone:

Battery is the unlawful touching of another. Battery occurs when a person intentionally touches or strikes another person against their will or intentionally causes bodily harm to another person.

Crazy, right? If you are someone who cannot control your temper and have struck someone in anger – or have scared yourself because you have considered it before, please get help. Besides the emotional, physical, and relational damage you do to another, you are putting yourself in a scary situation. Battery is a First Degree Misdemeanor. The term ‘misdemeanor’ may sound like it’s not too serious, but depending on the state, it is punishable by up to 365 days in jail and a $1,000 fine. Unless you’re hoping to hang out in jail for a year, please get help. Counseling is a great option. The Compassion Workshop is helpful as well.

Now it’s a year in jail if you didn’t really hurt the person. But let’s say in your anger, you just kind of pushed the person, and the ‘just kind of push’ caused them to trip, fall, and did major damage to them:

A simple battery becomes a felony battery when the action causes great bodily harm or permanent disability or disfigurement. Great bodily harm is determined by injury to the victim – not the action taken by the accused.

A ‘just kind of push’ could become a third degree felony if the person has medical issues or the like. And that’s nothing to mess around with. A third degree felony is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $5,000 fine. Because it is a felony, it also means losing your civil rights such as the ability to vote, bear arms, and hold public office.

There is another way a simply battery can become a felony – if the person has committed another battery before. So if someone hits you or pushes you or whatever once, then later hits or pushes you or someone else, they could now fall into the category of a felon. That’s serious stuff.

Bah humbug, right?

I’m not trying to be Scrooge – I just want you to be aware of two things. First, if someone has written notes to you in anger or touched you hurtfully in anger, please know that your feeling stunned or hurt by it makes sense. It is wrong for someone to treat you that way. I shared the punishments for the actions not to incite revenge or anything crazy, but to illustrate that our country takes this stuff seriously. The actions done to you were wrong, and there are consequences for treating people poorly. You are valuable, and you deserve to be treated that way.

Second, if you are someone who struggles to control your anger, if you think threatening people is acceptable, or if you cannot control your actions when you are angry, please get help. You are doing yourself a favor. And you are giving a gift to those with whom you are in relationship. Counseling is a great option. The Compassion Workshop is helpful as well. Focus on the Family also has a hotline you can call for free to get input and advice on next steps: 1-800-A-Family (232-6459) weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain Time. Their website also suggests some great counselors in your area.

So I may sound like a bit of a Scrooge, but I don’t want you to get scrooged! You are valuable. Please treat yourself and others that way! If you need to make a new year’s resolution, please do it! I want us all to be able to delight in relationships done well.

May God bless you, and Happy New Year!

photo credit: cute etsy pillow!

Works like a charm

Posted on December 20, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

A little personal here… but when you sit on the toilet in our bathroom, this is what you see.

It’s an idea I borrowed from my mother-in-law. It’s amazing how something hanging in just the right spot can totally refocus your day.

This morning I was pretty frustrated about a situation. Then I went to the restroom. Who knew that could so drastically change my day?

I started thinking about what was true about the situation, then what was noble — and what I was thinking at the time wasn’t very noble. What is right? Well, that was pretty clear if I’d just give it two seconds worth of thought. What is pure and lovely – not what I was thinking! What is admirable? That felt good. It felt honoring to think about the response that would be the admirable. What is excellent and praiseworthy – honoring the Lord, for sure.

And in one short tinkle : ), my heart was recalibrated, I had clarity of direction, and my desire was to honor the Lord.

A simple little $3 frame from Michael’s placed in just the right spot… works like a charm.

A big charade

Posted on September 27, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

I just lost my voice. AGAIN! It’s crazy. About once or twice a year, I lose my voice for about a week. This year it was on my birthday! Whether it’s allergies or being sick, my voice just takes a little vacation every now and then.

And really, it’s often a fascinating sociology lesson. Laryngitis has been such a gift.

The first time I lost my voice when we were married, I thought we’d be ok since Dave and I both took a little bit of sign language in college. Turns out we each remember different words, so it is comically unhelpful!

So I end up kind of doing charades for the week. I actually highly recommend it. Even if you have your voice – pretend like you don’t for a few days. It’s fascinatingly revealing.

Like one night, we were getting ready for dinner. Dave asked if he could help – love that! : ) I nodded yes and pointed to the dinner table. This is what it looked like:

He said, “Oh good! So the table’s all set.” I shook my head ‘no.’ He said, “It’s not?” I again shook ‘no.’ He looked at the table and looked at me confused. So I busted out the charades. I put my hand in front of me like I was grasping something cylindrical and then raised it to my mouth.

He guessed, “Oh – a ‘C’? A ‘C’ on your mouth?”

I shook my head ‘no.’

“A ‘C’ on your nose?”

Ummm… no.

“A seal balancing a ball on his nose?”

How did we get to seal tricks? : ) So I pointed to the dinner table again. He guessed, “A seal on a table with a ball on his nose?”

He really thought he was getting warmer. So I started making what I thought was a pouring motion, but he thought I was giving a baby seal a bottle. Huh? : ) So then I started acting like I was milking a cow, and he thinks I’m playing that game where you bop the hedgehogs on the head. “Arcade games? Seal tricks. You want to go to Sea World? You want us to talk at dinner about planning a vacation to Sea World?”

Hmmph.

So clearly I’m horrible at charades! But this was so crazy valuable for our marriage!!

To me it seemed so obvious. Look at the dinner table. What is the obvious thing that is missing? I didn’t really think I’d have to make any motions about it. Then when I had to make motions, I thought surely they would jog his mind to the thing that seems so obviously missing… and to me, what was obviously missing wasn’t a trip to Sea World!
So I poured two glasses of milk and laughed.

Sometimes we get frustrated when another person isn’t doing what seems so obvious to us that they should be doing. Look at the dinner table – it’s so obvious that the glasses are missing! To me, that is. But the thought never crossed his mind.

So when someone isn’t doing something that to me seems so obvious they should be doing (did you follow that? : )), I have a choice. I can get mad at them for not doing the thing that seems so glaringly obvious that they should be doing. I can storm and brew and feel like I want to bop them like a hedgehog. I can assume they are intentionally *not* doing this obvious thing. I can start to think that they are bad or mean or unhelpful or selfish – or whatever motive I choose for them – for not doing this obvious thing. I can make a big charade out of the whole deal.

Or I can consider that they may simply not see what I see. And they’re not a bad person for not seeing what I see how I see it. Maybe they’re not intentionally avoiding or omitting whatever it is I think should be done. Maybe the fault is actually with me – that I haven’t communicated clearly – or at all. So the solution isn’t anger or blaming or frustration; it’s communication.

It’s simply bringing into the verbal realm what seems so obvious in the mental realm. It’s gently and lovingly articulating what I desire. It’s inviting them into what I’m doing – because maybe they’re willing, but maybe right now, they’re simply off in another (Sea) world. : )

The gift you don’t want to give

Posted on July 12, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

While we were visiting family over the 4^th, the big ‘treat’ for our niece and nephews was to play on our iPhones. I made the ‘mistake’ of asking them if they wanted to download a new game, so that became the game! Download a game, play it for a second, then download the next free game, play it for a second… you get the drill. But we’re a doting uncle and aunt, so we played along!

As they were wrapping up playing with the phones, my niece started to pour water on it. “No, don’t do that!” we exclaimed. She kind of shrunk back.

She has a tender heart and a huge desire to be helpful. I think sometimes her heart to be helpful gets her in ‘trouble.’ So I wondered what she might be trying to do to be helpful that led her to douse our iPhone? I asked, “Were you trying to wash the phone for us before you gave it back?” She nodded sheepishly. I said, “Thank you for wanting to be so helpful,” and rubbed her back. She unwilted a little.

It’s amazing how often we can do that in life. Someone is well-intended with a good heart to be helpful, and we may quash that in our response or interaction. Too much of that, and we may end up quashing their God-honoring, beautiful heart. Redirect her actions so her desiring-to-be-helpful-heart is helpful? Absolutely. But if she keeps getting in ‘trouble’ when she’s intending to be helpful… well, eventually, she may give up on trying to be helpful.

Maybe.

Eventually.

If she’s wired anything like me.

In the ministry world, it’s hard to get it ‘right.’

Talk to a newcomer? They feel singled out and don’t come back. Don’t talk to a newcomer? They say no one reached out to them and don’t come back.
Respond quickly to an e-mail from a key congregation person? They get upset you didn’t give it an appropriate amount of time for thought. Don’t respond quickly? They get upset that they aren’t a priority.
Cook a meal for a new mom? They complain that it got cold on your 30 minute drive to their home. Don’t cook a meal for a new mom? They complain that you aren’t a servant.

Enough with the examples – maybe it’s that way in your world, too.

Eventually

starts

wear

you.

And eventually, you may start entertaining giving up on trying to be helpful. After all, will you ever win?

In the business world, they say success is clearly defining expectations and then exceeding those expectations. In the ministry world, some people come to church expecting us to be God. Um….. not sure I’m going to win that one!

What to do?

I’ve been reading a great book called Enemies of the Heart. One of the enemies kind of took me by surprise. Andy Stanley’s definition of guilt unlocked something for me. I think maybe – for me – from a different angle than he intended… but an incredibly helpful one!

“Guilt is the result of having done something we perceive as wrong.”

The way he worded his sentence unlocked a helpful realization for me: After enough assumptions over the years about my heart, my motives, my intentions, and my actions… after enough times of feeling unprotected, unsupported, and/or caught off guard by those characterizations… after enough times of giving more than my all, yet it being misinterpreted… Andy’s sentence unlocked for me that I actually walk around feeling guilty.

But weirdly not for anything I’ve actually done wrong. Not for something *I* perceive as wrong. Instead, I feel guilty knowing that someone will come up with a perception about my action as wrong.

How crazy is that?

It’s happened so often that I simply expect that some perception is going to be presumed of me. I’m going to be pressed to own a motive that wasn’t actually there. My action almost certainly will be misinterpreted. And I wonder how I should do things differently so it’s not.

Uggghh. What a prison.

Don’t get me wrong – a passing thought or occasional evaluation can be helpful! And certainly it is my responsibility to set my boundaries in misassumption situations… and I think by God’s grace I’m getting better at that! That’s totally an aspect worth talking about more in a later post.

But for today, a reminder is helpful. Misperceptions aren’t just, “Well, that’s my thought. It’s my opinion. It’s just my take on a situation.” Misperceptions are characterizations of your fellow teammate in the Lord. Misassumptions affect the support of the relationship. They affect the trust of the relationship. They affect the psyche of your friend. They can affect their self-perception and can lead them to question their heart and motive. They are distracting… draining… and at times, even debilitating.

Yes, we each need to take responsibility to be healthy. No, we can’t blame our unhealthiness or negative thoughts on another person. But why create the distraction? Why turn someone’s attention from building God’s kingdom to devoting their energy, thought and prayer life to battling your inaccurate perceptions? Enough times of misperceptions and misassumptions – oh, they’re sneaky! They can sneak their way into debilitating a person’s effectiveness for the Lord. They may wear them out, ultimately affecting their desire to serve for the kingdom and thus their actual impact for God’s kingdom. Yikes.

By the way, ‘enough’ times can vary hugely. ‘Enough’ times for one precious person I know was once. It quashed her and threatened to derail her unfolding ministry.

Ughhh. That’s certainly not something we want to be a part of!

So what do to? Lovingly suggest different actions? That may be appropriate. Yet we must remember that beautiful motives may lead to an unpreferred action. We must be careful in the process: Mischaracterizing a person’s intent can have a detrimental impact for the kingdom – and that’s a gift we don’t want to give!

What if you’ve been given this unwanted gift? Or perhaps more fairly, I should say, what if you – like me – have taken an unwanted gift? What if you – like me – have unwittingly allowed it to affect you?

That answer is long, but this is what the Lord is doing in me lately. He’s had me in 1 John, where He’s quashing this new understanding of perception of guilt:

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. ~ 1 John 1:5

Do you love that? God is light. In God, there is NO darkness AT ALL!

None.

I can live freely fully in light! Feel the freedom to be who I am. Be free to be who I am. Be free to be me.

That’s what I wrote about in my journal a few days ago. And this is what I wrote today:

Lord, I pray you’d help me stay volleyball-settin’ light. I pray you’d lift the guilt I feel as I wonder if I’ve done something wrong. I pray I’d have the freedom, Lord, to be!

I am so impacted by perceptions that I walk around feeling guilty. May I quit perceiving that I’ve done something wrong, Lord. And may I be free! I welcome your conviction of sin – and I guard against others’ misassumptions. For your glory and your kingdom, O Lord.

Today’s picture – along with a fun tutorial on how to make it: www.webdesignerwall.com

my husband’s LIVE debut!

Posted on July 5, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

I hope you all enjoyed a great 4th of July! I love celebrating freedom. And I especially love the freedom that the {double hockey sticks} mindset offers!

As my husband and I were discussing our last blog post, he had some great thoughts. I asked if I could record them so we’d remember them to write-up for the blog. Then I thought - maybe you’d rather hear it straight from him? {cheering : )} So here he is… with a *live* debut! (ok, well, sort of – he’s on video – but you get to watch him animated, which is fun!)

You well know he has a silly side! When I got out my top-end-state-of-the-art iPhone camera, he turned on his serious voice : ). I just thought I’d found a cute picture for our last blog post; he saw something a bit more. Here he is – serious voice and all! - with what I thought was a great observation and insight about intimidation:

I thought it was a really good point. Who are we to get mad at someone simply for existing exactly how God made them!

Then as we were discussing it a bit more, he had another great point about one of our favorite Bible people – David. What if David had allowed ‘intimidation’ to be an excuse? We wouldn’t have one of the most beloved Bible stories of all time!

I am so glad David didn’t listen to potentially intimidated input:

“You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.” (1 Samuel 17:33)

Instead, David had a godly perspective on fear and what is worthy of our fear:

“Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?” ~ 1 Samuel 17:26

“Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” ~ 1 Samuel 17:32

“Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” ~ 1 Samuel 17:36-37

“David said to the Philistine, ‘You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.’” ~ 1 Samuel 17:45

In the strength and peace of the Lord, he believed and knew and lived that nothing is intimidating *with* the God of the universe! David’s only fear was some healthy fear of God - a reliant, strengthening, motivating fear of the Lord! He is Almighty! He alone is worthy of our fear.

Special thanks to my husband, the President of {double hockey sticks}! Great insights – thanks for allowing us to capture them *live*!

“You are intimidating”

Posted on July 3, 2012 by doublehockeysticks

Let’s get our {dhs} sifter cranked up!

Today’s topic? Telling someone, “You are intimidating.”

We’ll run it through our trusty sifter – because before we consider how to confront someone on their ‘intimidation,’ we must first consider if it is worth confronting. And our big question before we consider if it’s worth confronting is it is even worth *thinking*!

So here we go with our Philippians 4:8 {dhs} sifter. We’ll do the first few at least…

IS IT TRUE? Is the statement “you are intimidating” a true statement? Is it actually, factually true? By ‘true,’ I mean on par with statements such as “God is true,” “Jesus is true,” and “Scripture is true.”

No, it is an opinion – a perception. And remember that we are to *demolish* perceptions that set themselves up against the knowledge of God. So then our big question becomes, “Is this God’s perception?” Remember, to be off on this is to set ourselves up against the knowledge of God. That’s a crazy big deal.

It also easily edges into some pretty ugly words – like slander:

Slander is making a false statement or misrepresentation about another person that defames or damages the person’s reputation.

I think we can do better!

IS IT NOBLE? Is “you are intimidating” the most noble explanation we can come up with for their actions?

A story for ya…

There once was a gal for whom this term “intimidating” was often used. I wanted to know what the scoop was and why everyone thought she was intimidating. This is what I discovered: Almost two decades earlier, she had been violated by someone she trusted. And she felt stuck. She trusted him, and he severely broke that trust. Whom can she trust to tell? So for almost two decades, she held on to this secret. She was hurt, felt violated, and was unsure about whom to trust in life, and if she trusted someone, what they would then do to her. She didn’t need someone to tell her, “You are intimidating, and you need to be less intimidating.” She needed someone to care. To love her. To give her a safe place to unload her big devastation. And to help her explore how to let the good in while keeping the bad out – instead of just keeping it all out. Unpacking all that helped her be more open to relationships – healthy ones, that is. But a judgment wasn’t going to help her; care was.

And another one!

There once was another gal for whom this term “intimidating” was also used. It turns out for her she had been verbally abused for years by spiritual leaders. As she went to others for help, she was consistently given well-meaning – but actually not biblically helpful – advice and feedback. She started to get leary of relationships in general and talking to anyone. Her healthy, biblical boundaries were consistently violated. Then some sojourners along the way helped her start to identify those violations, and the Lord showed her how to navigate them with strength according to His Word and His pleasure. As she began to get clarity on truly biblical relational dynamics, and as she began to feel like her life was less about constantly being hurt, she was strengthened to enjoy healthy relationships.

Now I’m no psychologist, but in many of the “intimidating” people with whom I’ve worked, there seems to be some common themes: hurt, unbiblical advice that sounds biblical, confusion about whom they trust, often some violations that I think would make the Lord very sad, lack of clarity on how to navigate those to let the good in but keep the bad out… and did I mention hurt?

There are often much more noble explanations for a person’s “intimidation.”

IS IT RIGHT? WARNING: I’m going to turn things on their head a bit here. So keep reading at your own discretion!

Remember, ‘right’ pertains to ‘righteous.’ It refers to sin. Our goal as believers is to help raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:18) – not personal preference. If a person is intentionally trying to make others fear them, that’s one thing (though that often still ties into the ‘noble’ hurts above, and though we’re still not to judge the motives of a man’s heart).

But if they simply have non-sin actions that we ‘perceive’ as initimiding… well…{gulp}…that may actually be…{are you ready for this?}… *our* sin.

Yikes?

When I run “you are intimidating” through the grid of Scripture, I can’t get the statement to come out in tact on the other side. “You are intimidating” can be ‘translated,’ “I am intimidated by you.” ‘Intimidated’ is ‘frightened’ or ‘afraid.’ We are to fear God… but anything else?

“In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” ~ Psalm 56:11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

“So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” ~ Hebrews 13:6

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” ~ Psalm 27:2

“The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” ~ 1 John 4:18

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” ~2 Timothy 1:7

A spirit of timidity or fear is not from God. In fact, God *commands* the opposite – over a hundred times in Scripture!

IS IT PURE? If it’s my sin, then I need to purify my thoughts. If I am losing sleep over someone’s ‘being intimidating,’ there is an easy way to solve it: Confess my sin of fear to the Lord.

Things get messy when we blame another person for our sin. They can’t own our sin. They can’t confess it for us. They aren’t a dreg runner!

I cannot expect the world to change so I don’t sin. Oh wow – that’d truly be a picture of the world revolving around me! My sin is my sin. I shan’t blame another for it nor expect them to own it. It is *my* responsibility to own it and confess it.

So once I confess my fear and quit being afraid, well, then, there is no longer a problem. {poof} There is nothing left to confront. And we’re not even all the way through our {dhs} sifter!

Yet I do want to go one step further. We’ll touch on ‘lovely’ next time – and the possibility of a conversation of mutual benefit. But I think that’s enough for now! WHEW! : )

{ double hockey sticks }

delighting in conflict done well

Category Archives: perspective