Which side of the bed?

Posted on April 25, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

10 years of marriage!! That’s what we celebrate tomorrow. Can you believe it? I can’t. Those years flew!

After we got married, we were trying to figure out what to do with my wedding dress. It seems a lot of people keep it for a lot of years and then, well, they’ve kept it. With limited storage space, I wasn’t sure if I thought that was a good idea for us. So the sometimes-overly-practical me looked into selling it. Gratefully, the sometimes-you’re-too-practical part of me kicked in. We decided that the fraction we’d recoup didn’t seem worth the possible regret of not having it later. So we kept it.

Then I had another idea. I told Dave that if I fit into the dress on our 10 year anniversary, that I wanted him to take me out to dinner in it!

I got it out and tried it on a few weeks ago. Gratefully, it fits! With the advice of a helpful friend, I’ve been carefully cleaning parts of it that have turned weird colors with a toothbrush. It’s cleaning up ok. I got some updated jewelry, and we made our reservation. I think we’re actually going to do this.

We’re going to our favorite restaurant. Dave’s favorite meal is steak (next to PB&J, of course!). Mine is Chilean sea bass (it’s one of the first ‘animals’ I ate after I moved on from my vegetarian days, and I love it!). There is one restaurant that serves both: Bonefish Grill.

So that’s where we’re going. Wedding dress and tux to Bonefish.

I think we might stick out.

We’re not big ‘attention’ people. It will be awkward for both of us. Maybe we’ll wear shades? : ) But hopefully it’ll also be a lot of fun.

It’ll be fun to celebrate 10 years and how wonderful they’ve been. We’ve certainly had our share of tough situations. Yet for some reason, the Lord has been so gracious with our marriage. It is truly such a gift.

It’s entirely the Lord that He’s chosen to bless our marriage as He has. In the times where we haven’t messed that up too much : ), we’ve often noted that it’s the little decisions that have made the biggest difference.

Like praying together every night before we go to bed. Dave started that right when we got married. It’s a seemingly little thing that he’s led us to be super consistent on. And a little thing… done daily for 10 years… well, it becomes a blessing of an impact on our marriage.

And you’ve heard the statistic, right? Whereas the ‘regular’ divorce rate is about 50%, the divorce rate among couples who pray regularly together is less than a fraction of a percent. It’s a ‘little’ decision that makes a big difference.

Another ‘little’ decision had to do with our wedding vows. I’m one of those weird women who never dreamed about her wedding. I wasn’t super invested in all the physical details. One of my friends offered to help, and I remember asking her if she’d pick out the flowers. I didn’t think it was that weird… everyone else did! : ) It just wasn’t that high of a priority for me.

Our guests, on the other hand, I cared a lot about. We prayed specifically for each person we invited whether they could come or not. That consumed a lot of our ‘planning’ time. But all those crazy details? They just weren’t me.

And my husband? That I cared a boatload about. Whereas I wasn’t overly invested in the wedding, I was crazy invested in the marriage. I cared a lot about what our marriage would look like, how we would do things, how we would work through things, and what our vision was. So our vows were a big deal to me.

The dress and the shoes and the hair? Not so much. The vows? Totally.

I felt like they were the opportunity to really clarify and crystallize what we wanted this life-together-thing to look like.

So we worked on them. And worked on them. And worked on them.

We had customized vows that I just loved.

And then we did what my parents did at their wedding. We memorized them. We figured if this is what we’re committing to each other and to the Lord, we’d better know them! And know them by heart.

I loved that part of our ceremony.

Yet it’s a ‘little’ decision afterwards that has made an especially big difference.

We got them framed and were hanging them in our bedroom. At first, I put my vows to Dave on his side of the bed, and his vows to me on my side of the bed.

But that didn’t sit quite right with us.

Yes, they are our promises to each other and to the Lord, but is that what I want to be focused on? What Dave is supposed to be committing to me?

Or do I want my thoughts and energy focused on the opposite ~ what I’ve committed to him? As I’m standing there getting ready for bed, do I want my thoughts to be about what he is or is not living up to? Or do I want my thoughts to be about what I am or am not living up to? Do I want to focus on improving me… or judging him? And on the flip side, do I want him focused on his self-checks… or on nagging me?

It’s one of those unusually little decisions that we believe has made a big difference in our marriage. I hung the vows I made to Dave on my side of the bed. And he hung the vows he made to me on his side. So our focus isn’t on judging the other person’s commitment; it’s on consistently evaluating and refreshing our own.

It’s not on nagging or tearing down. It’s on trying our best.

And knowing I fall short at times helps me give him grace… should he ever fall short!

It’s choosing to focus my energy and efforts on how I can improve – instead of on critiquing how he should improve.

And that, my friends, is truly our heart in this blog. We talk about some tough topics. Some hurtful issues. Some things that likely bring to mind what others have done wrong. Some things that have undoubtedly brought to my mind of how others have been so incredibly hurtful.

Yet we’re not about pointing fingers. We’re not about blaming. And we’re not about critiquing others.

We’re about keeping things on our side of the bed.

We’re about identifying situations so we can respond differently next time. We’re about understanding hurts so we can strive not to be hurtful. We’re about identifying where we fall short so we can work on improving. With the ‘other side of the bed’ in mind, of course. But primarily with our commitment square in our sights. We’re primarily focused not on what *others* should be doing… but on what *we* can do to help this kingdom be a better place.

Part of my passion to help make the kingdom a better place is to help people be aware of these hurts – often unintentional – that often end up delving into that crazy term that can seem unimaginable. My desire is not to point fingers. It is to raise awareness so that we can all do it better. It is to help me identify how I could have handled situations differently to have curbed some of the impact. It is to help me live out my side of the bed.

And I pray that as you read these, that you’d join me in this. That yes, we’d grieve and process the hurts that come to mind. But primarily, that we’d seek to focus our energy and efforts not on how others should improve. Instead, we’d seek to focus our energy and efforts on how we can improve. What we can do differently to change the dynamic. Not that we’re responsible for it. But that we can impact it.

That’s what we’re all about. Hanging our commitment on our side of the bed.

And celebrating the fruit of it years later!

QUESTION: What seemingly ‘little’ decisions have you made that have made a big difference?

The Assertive Homerun

Posted on April 23, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I was playing with some cute little kids one day.

They were fun… but one of them was in a, well, uncute mode. He was being a bit whiney, and it wasn’t making for such an enjoyable playtime.

I’d read a great article on assertive communication, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I simply said,

“I enjoy playing with people who have good attitudes.”

I didn’t say it with an attitude myself. Just warmly, calmly, I made an assertive statement. I stated what I prefer.

He looked at me. He took a few steps, then sat down off to the side.

I looked over at him several times in the next few minutes. I wanted to be sure he didn’t feel squashed. And he didn’t seem like it at all. He wasn’t pouting. He wasn’t stewing. He wasn’t protesting. He didn’t look dejected. He just pondered.

After several minutes, he popped up. He stood tall and exclaimed,

“I have a good attitude when I play baseball!”

He ran to get his baseball gear.

I called after him,

“That’s awesome. Can I play baseball with you?”

I. just. loved. it.

It’s the power of an assertive statement. I’ve been lulled by them before. Someone simply stated their opinion… and even though I disagreed, I found myself, oddly, saying, “I agree.” There is just something about the power of a warm, calm, assertive statement.

It’s not aggressive – it doesn’t come out aggressively, tell others what to do, state what people should do, or critique. It’s not passive – it doesn’t ignore personal preferences and just go along with whatever the other person is doing. Done purely, it’s not manipulative or designed to elicit a certain result, though it may. It’s simply stating your preference.

It could be an emphatic statement of interest:

“I would like to…”

It could be an ‘I’ statement.

“I like…” “I want…” “I don’t like…”

It could be making a distinction between fact and opinion.

“My experience is different.”

Assertions are simply stating what you would like. It is healthy to do. I get concerned sometimes in the Christian kingdom that we have conditioned a passive environment. Expressing our preference can feel selfish, and we consistently ask, “Is that ok?” I get concerned that we have skewed the spectrum. I have experienced pure, healthy assertiveness be condemned as aggressive.

Yet the Lord created us with a desire and a will, and just like Jesus, He uses it. Sometimes, like with my baseball buddy, to challenge them for their good.

It can be hard, for sure. This whole E step can feel foreign, especially given the skewed assertiveness spectrum we sometimes operate in. But the concept is simple. Plain. Healthy. And good.

Seeing some examples in action was helpful for me to envision what assertive statement could look like in action. While these don’t all pertain directly to our E statements, the concept holds: assert yourself by offering a brief explanation.

Examples of Assertions

Basic

“I haven’t thought about that before. I’d like time to think about your idea.”
“The cost will be $2,000.”
“I like it when you help me.”

Broken Record Assertion

You simply repeat the assertion. When they counter or complain or negotiate, you simply warmly and calmly repeat your assertion.

Discrepancy

“As I understand it, we agreed that Project A was top priority. Now you’re asking me to give more time to Project B. I’d like to clarify which is now the priority.”
“Paul, on the one hand you are saying that you want to improve cooperation between our departments, but on the other hand you make statements about us that make it difficult for us to cooperate. I agree that we can improve the situation, so I’d like to talk about that.”

Empathetic

“I appreciate that you don’t like the new procedure; however, until it’s changed, I’d like you to keep working on it.”
“I know you’re busy at the moment, John, but I’d like to make a request of you.”

Negative feeling

Describe the other person’s behavior objectively. Be careful to do this without interpreting or judging.
Describe the impact of the person’s behavior on you. Be specific and clear. Don’t overgeneralize.
Describe your feelings
State how you would prefer the behavior to be in the future.

“When you leave it this late to produce your report, it involves my working over the weekend. I feel annoyed about this, so in future I’d like to receive it by Friday lunch time.”
“When you continually interrupt me when I’m working on the balance sheets, it means I have to start all over again. I’m feeling irritated by this, so I would prefer you wait until I have finished.”

Consequence

“I’m not prepared, John, to let any of my staff cooperate with yours on the project, unless you give them access to the same facilities that your people have.”
“If this occurs again, I’m left with no alternative but to apply the formal disciplinary procedure. I’d prefer not to.”

Some of those seemed aggressive to me at first. I’ve been wrongly conditioned! But assertiveness is a good thing. It is healthy for the person doing it… and that health can overflow. It may even draw those around you towards health. Instead of bearing up under someone else’s crankiness, you may just end up playing ball!

photo purchased from Cutcaster

when the cat’s got your tongue!

Posted on April 18, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

It was a bit awkward when my husband proposed to me.

He wasn’t at all awkward. He was perfect. And sweet. And fantastic.

I was totally awkward.

It was the weirdest thing. I knew it was coming. Something had slipped earlier in the week, so I knew when it was happening. And I was excited for it!

He looked dashing in his tux. He’d prepared an amazing dinner, draped the dining room with black fabric in the shape of a diamond, lit candles galore, donned the room with dozens and dozens of roses and rose petals, and adorned every nook with pictures of us. He shared with me how he felt I embodied Proverbs 31. He surprised me with a stunning ring that I didn’t think he had yet.

It was beautiful. He did everything perfectly. Every single part.

And then there was my part.

You know, the part where I say, “Yes.”

The one syllable. The three little letters.

That was my part of the proposal, and I totally botched it.

There was just something utterly humbling about his wanting to spend the rest of his life with me! I’d tried to talk him out of it many times. I’d told him all my foibles and weaknesses. “Are you sure you’re really up for this?”

I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. I knew he wanted to spend his life with me. Yet when he asked, I just froze. I was so beyond humbled. I was stunned by the precious reality of it all. I couldn’t move or speak.

My brain tried to tell my mouth to move, but it just wouldn’t.

Then it tried to tell my head to nod yes. But it wouldn’t move either.

I just stared, frozen. And it got really awkward.

Dave looked at me. I could see him starting to get concerned.

I tried really hard to nod. Really hard. “Nod, head, nod.”

Finally, it moved a tiny little crick.

Dave jumped, “So that’s a yes?”

And it moved a little more, then a little more. We hugged, and he shouted, “She said yes!”

His proposal was perfect. If only I could speak!!

Now that was a lovely situation, but I totally hear you about all this conflict stuff. What if you’re like me – sometimes you just end up stuck? Sometimes you are just stunned, and you can’t make words come out! What do you do then?

I totally hear you. I have been in my fair share of situations where I am just speechless. Stunned. Shocked. I can’t even compute what is going on, much less how to process it or respond to it. Not just happy ones. Uncomfortable, awkward, conflict-y ones.

I can’t figure out which end is up. I don’t want to make the situation worse. And I don’t want to hurt the other person. So I often sit there, totally confused, not knowing what to say.

We’ve talked about the value of connecting with the Lord, even if it’s simply saying, “Jesus.” And having your ‘moo’ ready, “Pardon me,” or “um,” or whatever it may be to break the conversation.

But then the E? You really expect me to put together a coherent sentence?

I get that. It can be challenging. Especially for those of us who are ponderers… who don’t necessary feel like we have a lot of words.

I was watching Beth Moore’s Believing God DVDs at the wise advice of a friend, and one of the things she said was especially helpful for me. It’s part of video #6, in which she talks about a phrase that just echoes in my head with that finger of hers pointing, “Open your mouth and speak!”

Here’s the background. She’s talking about Jeremiah 23:29,

“Is not my word like fire?” declares the LORD.

And she unfolds,

“The Spirit inside of you is flammable. And when you believe, and you speak the Word, you light that flammable Spirit within you, and you become a lamp set on a hill for all to see. And you are intimidating to the Enemy, and he begins to take notice that this is not someone that can be easily defeated.

“The Spirit of truth is within us… When we add the Word of truth to the Spirit of truth, it is like speaking his language…With the Word of God, we begin to speak the language of the Holy Spirit within us. And I want to tell you something: he gets up. He gets up. That’s when the Holy Spirit stands up within us, and we are consumed with a holy fire.”

With the combination of the Spirit and the Word, ♪ this girl is on fire! ♫ : )

You needn’t have a coherent argument. Simple Scripture does it! For example,

“The Lord tells me to think on things that are true and noble, and I am uncomfortable hearing these things.”

That isn’t perfect, but it’s God’s Word, and it does the trick. It may sound awkward. It may sound weird. There may be something better to say. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but try.

“It doesn’t matter what it sounds like to anyone else. It sounds like God to the devil!!”

That is the line that I just love! If someone is speaking untrue or ignoble things about you or someone else, say something. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just try. Your goal isn’t perfection and having everyone believe you are eloquent and said the perfect thing.

“So often we’re afraid of what people are going to think. Half the people that we’re afraid of are miserable. Do we want to be like them? Yes, we want to love ‘em. But I just want to ask you a question: the very people you’re wanting approval from, is it that you want to be like them, or do you want the joy of the Lord? And the satisfaction in knowing you made it to your Promised Land? When we’re standing before God, we’re not going to be able to point, ‘Well she was why I didn’t make it there. Do you remember how she acted when I tried to go?’”

Our Promised Land is a place of possession. It will always involve conquest. There will be invasions.

Our goal is to protect our precious Promised Land. To stop sin. To keep it from creeping in.

“That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our soul.” ~ Boundaries

And it surprisingly doesn’t always take that much.

“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” ~ James 4:7

It doesn’t say defeat the devil or conquer the devil. Simply resist him. That is the goal of your E. Not to convince or win over. Simply to put up a bit of resistance to the devil or the sin or the disparaging.

“As it turns out, I don’t really have to fight the devil at all; I only need to assume the right posture toward him.” ~ Champagne for the Soul

The goal of your E is simply to try to add a bit of resistance. Not to win over the world. Not to change the world. Not to attack or squash. Simply to add some resistance to protect the preciousness of God’s kingdom… including you!

“God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries… The ‘wicked and lazy’ servant was passive. He did not try. God’s grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We have to do our part.” ~ Boundaries

So we open your mouth and speak. We simply try! The Lord can use it. Even if we don’t feel like we have the perfect thing to say to stop it, we try. As long as it is not attacking, we try to offer a brief explanation.

As a consolation prize, if you’re coming up blank — or if you’re like I was for years before I understood verbal abuse, not at all believing it was of the Lord, but not having the understanding or words to put to it yet — even if you have to say,

“This doesn’t feel right to me. I need to excuse myself and think about it.”

Do it! Even that little bit of resistance can help. Now that’s not a ‘get out of jail free’ card. You’ll have to come back to it. But if nothing else seems possible to formulate, it may be your runner up.

(Oh yikes. The Lord just convicted me. I should have done this the other day:

“To me, this doesn’t feel honoring. I need to excuse myself.”

That would have been a good E for my situation.)

Hmmm… I may be the only one who ends up speechless. If so, thanks for letting me brainstorm what to say! If you have other ideas, I’d love to hear them.

Now I’m off to work on that missed E!

And maybe practice my head nods. : )

photo credit: Luke Hayfield

the honor of E

Posted on April 16, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

So here you are. You’re listening to someone you love dearly. They are sharing with you some things they wanted to confront you on. Actually, “share” may be the wrong word. It’s more like anger… and it’s getting really tense.

You haven’t seen this side of them before. You haven’t heard them share these false accusations before. It’s someone you love dearly, and they are saying hurtful, untrue things about your heart and motives. And they are going on and on. And on and on. And their accusations are escalating.

And it hurts.

A lot.

And you’re stunned with grief and hurt and sadness to hear that they think these things about you. And you’re totally bewildered – and deeply hurt – about how they came to these conclusions.

What do you do?

Proverbs offers a bit of insight.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
or you yourself will be just like him.
Answer a fool according to his folly,
or he will be wise in his own eyes. ~ Proverbs 26:4-5

Helpful, right? That’s just as confusing as the accusations!

First of all, dare I call my friend a fool?

Ugh.

It’s good to be hesitant to call anyone a fool – that’s for sure. Proverbs helps us with this, too.

Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions. ~ Proverbs 18:2

If you’re uncomfortable labeling someone a fool, defer to God. : ) He calls them a fool. He calls someone who is delighting in airing their own opinion and not seeking to understand a fool. And seeking to understand a fool is not wise!

So what does God tell us to do with these people He calls fools?

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
or you yourself will be just like him.
Answer a fool according to his folly,
or he will be wise in his own eyes. ~ Proverbs 26:4-5

We’re back to that seemingly contradictory advice.

But since we are not fools, we seek to understand His wisdom! How might this make sense?

This is my best take.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
or you yourself will be just like him.

We don’t respond to an accuser as they are acting. We don’t respond to accusation with accusations. We don’t repay jabs with jabs.

Yet we should respond.

Answer a fool according to his folly,
or he will be wise in his own eyes. ~ Proverbs 26:4-5

Not answering can make them think that their point is valid or valuable, that they are wise. That is not true of this situation, and it is not helpful or healthy for them to be thinking untrue thoughts ~ especially about you!

Many commentators take these verses as conditional upon the situation – sometimes it is helpful to respond, and sometimes it isn’t. As an example,

“he is to be answered and not answered according to different times, places, and circumstances, and manner of answering; he is to be answered when there is any hope of doing him good, or of doing good to others; or of preventing ill impressions being made upon others by what he has said; when the glory of God, the good of the church, and the cause of truth, require it; and when he would otherwise glory and triumph, as if his words or works were unanswerable…imagining it arises from the strength of their arguments…” ~ Gill’s

Indeed, the Holy Spirit may prompt us on when to respond and when not to. Yet I believe Scripture models – and life situations concur – that our response to believers demands differently than our response to non-believers. With non-believers, it may be that we let an insult rest, as Christ sometimes did, if there seems to be no value in engaging with fools.

With believers, I believe we are called to clarification. I believe when they are sinning towards us and their God by thinking and speaking things that are not true of us, that being stewards of ourselves and of the truth, we are called to clarify.

Interestingly, Gill’s goes on to elucidate,

“when it is rather from a neglect and contempt of them.”

Gill’s suggests that sometimes our lack of response seems to communicate to the fool that he is wise, when really our lack of response is out of neglect… or even perhaps contempt. It may be in not responding that we neglect caring for them or are contemptuous towards them because of their folly.

Yet out of care… out of respect… we respond with our E. We offer a brief, wise, non-accusatory Explanation of why we are interrupting. It responds to their folly…just not with folly.

It honors them enough to explain. It honors us enough to be stewards of ourselves and our boundaries. And it honors the Lord, His kingdom, and His truth.

It is not rude. It is not mean. It is actually respectful. And caring.

It shows great honor.

photo credit: MacLeod Pappidas

The Case of the Missing ‘E’

Posted on April 11, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Jack and Janie have been married for years.

Many of them, happily.

They both loved the Lord. And they both thought they were doing what was best for their marriage.

But lately, it just hasn’t been working.

This is Jack’s take…

I believe communication in marriage is important, so I try to communicate with her. I share with her what I’m feeling and thinking. I want to talk about the tough issues and work through them.

But she doesn’t. She just leaves the room whenever I try to work through the hard things with her. She doesn’t treat my perspective as if its valid. And she’s not willing to own the things she does wrong. She’s so mean sometimes, but then she won’t talk about it.

And it’s not just that she won’t talk about it. She gives me the silent treatment. I mean, we’re grown adults. But she gives me the silent treatment. Sometimes for days. And sometimes, it feels like she won’t even look at me.

Communication is important in marriage, and she’s not communicating. We’ve got to communicate more if we’re going to save this marriage.

It sure sounds like Janie is doing it all wrong, huh? But there are always at least two perspectives to every story.

Here’s Janie’s take…

I’ve loved being married to Jack. Our first years were great. But the last several years, I just can’t seem to do anything right. It doesn’t matter what I say or what I do, he’s upset. If I pick up extra hours at work to help pay the bills while he’s looking for a job, then he gets mad and claims I don’t want to be around him. But if I don’t pick up the extra hours, then he says I don’t care about our marriage and our future. If I make a lunch for him, he says that I think he’s incapable. If I don’t make a lunch for him, he says I don’t care about him. It doesn’t matter what I do, it isn’t right.

Sometimes I don’t even do anything! I just live, and he says I don’t love him or don’t care about him. He gets so upset and goes on and on. I don’t know where he comes up with the things that he does.

Sometimes I just try to pretend like I don’t exist. It seems like existing makes him upset no matter what I do. So I try to tip-toe around and act like I’m not there. It seems to work ok. It doesn’t seem to rouse the grizzly in him.

But sometimes it doesn’t. And he just unloads with all these hurtful, hateful, unfounded things. My counselor told me when he gets illogical and so upset, to simply excuse myself and let him know I can’t be around him right then.

I don’t know where he comes up with the things he communicates, why he thinks them, or how to change it. We have got to quit this communication if we’re going to save our marriage.

Now whose right?

As we mentioned, there are always *at least* two perspectives to every story. Here is a third!

It sounds like Jack is doing his darndest to save his marriage as best he knows how. And he’s right – communication is essential to a healthy marriage. But more communication only helps if it is healthy communication. If it is destructive communication, it just causes more damage.

It sounds like Janie is doing as best as she currently knows to protect herself from destructive communication. Though Jack is not intending to be, his communication sounds abusive. When Janie feels that abuse, she removes herself from the situation. Though she is not intending to, Janie’s protection of herself comes across to him like the silent treatment – which, ironically enough, is a form of abuse.

Neither are intending to abuse the other, yet both feel abused. Both are seeking as best they know how to protect the marriage, yet instead, their actions are hurtful to the other. Both feel like they are fighting for their marriage, yet to the other, it just feels like they are fighting.

Now I know one little tweak can’t solve everything, but it is a start. And I think E is a valuable place to start.

It seems that the root of the issue – or of their ability to solve their issues – is abusive communication. If Jack learned how to communicate nonabusively, Janie would not feel a need to retreat and protect herself. Yet if Janie retreated more effectively, Jack would better understand that he was doing something hurtful, and he would have the opportunity to understand that she was not pulling back from their marriage – simply from the abusive communication.

All she needs to retreat more effectively is E.

As Janie throws her PIES, she Prays, then she politely Interrupts Jack,

“I need to interrupt.”

Her next step is E: Explain briefly.

“Presuming to know my thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them is verbal abuse, and I will not be abused.”

It is not a long explanation. It’s not a lecture. It’s not a defense nor an attack. It’s a sentence or two brief explanation that states her position.

The value of this is manifold.

It lets Jack know exactly why she is retreating. It is not because she is unwilling to work through the tough things. It is not because she wants to give him the silent treatment. It is not because she does not care about their marriage. It is because she expects to be treated nonabusively.
It gives Jack a path. Though he may not agree, at least now he has an opportunity to know that better understanding verbal abuse could open the door to better communication with Janie.
It affirms Janie. It does not attack Jack. Importantly, it is not trying to convince or teach Jack. It simply states her position. As she opens her mouth to speak, she affirms that she can influence being treated as a beloved child of God.
It brings things into the light. Satan thrives in shoving things under the carpet. While it can take so much courage for Janie to clearly state her ‘E,’ it is so worth it. The Lord is a God of clarity. He thrives in the light.

This clarity is critical, yet it is often the hardest. Janie may think,

“Of course he knows what he’s doing is hurtful. Who would talk to another person that way?”

The key is what we call ‘the last 10%.’ It is that last 10% of clarity that makes all the difference. It can feel like stating the obvious. It can feel like confirming what seems evident, yet often, it’s where the critical pieces of clarity lie.

Janie’s E gives the last 10% of her retreat. Her brief, clear explanation gives the key Jack was missing in understanding what was going on. It names the problem. It calls it out. And so much of a solution is accurately identifying the problem.

Stating that last 10% is hard. Stating it clearly and directly takes determination. It takes courage. Yet don’t all problems worth solving?

photo purchased from 123rf.com

NOTE: Janie of course is not responsible for Jack’s verbal abuse. Even though it stinks to be put in an abusive situation, we are responsible for how we respond. As in any situation, though we may not at all be responsible for the situation, we are responsible for how we respond to the situation. As Janie comes to understand that the attacks she feels are caused by verbal abuse, she articulates that. This gives Jack clarity and offers the possibility of direction towards solution.

Change that channel!

Posted on April 9, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I hope you are tempted to do that as you read this post.

I hope you’re tempted to jump into the story and change the channel!

It may create a bit of tension in you. I hope you’ll agree with me that the poignancy of that tension is valuable. I’ve tried to think of a different scenario that makes this point as meaningfully, but I think the discomfort of today’s situation serves its intent well. I’ll try to make the point delicately. It illumines the reason this is all so important and why I am so passionate about interrupting.

Let’s say that for some crazy reason, you are set before a TV that you must watch. This is a really unusual circumstance in which you can’t change the channel, and you can’t get up and leave. You’re stuck watching what is on. And what is on is not anywhere close to G-rated.

You try to protect yourself from what your senses are taking in. You close your eyes to avert them from the adult-only content… that even though you are an adult, you don’t think you should be watching. You sing songs and hymns to fill your mind and ears with good stuff. Even though you can’t sing. Out of tune, you sing away! You recite Scripture to enliven your heart with true love and God-inspired emotions. You think about things that honor and please the Lord, and you pray and pray and pray for His protection, strength, and supernatural distillation of your senses.

In a far from ideal situation, you make the most of protecting yourself from things your eyes and ears shouldn’t take in. And in all, the Lord is gracious to protect you from allowing it to influence you.

Now slight change of the situation. Let’s say now that you are set down in front of the same movie that you for some crazy reason must watch. But this time you are told to pay close attention, because even though the content of the movie is adult-only, it has a valuable life message to it.

How would that change how you watch it?

You’re now not in full protection mode. You’re in kind of a moderately guarded growth mode. You keep an eye out for the inappropriate things you should bat away, but you watch it differently now. You take it in differently. You look for the message you can apply to your life. You’re open to the movie in a different way because you’re open to being taught by it. You’re open to growing from it. You hope the images you see and the sounds you hear and the ideas that enter your head won’t linger, but the stuff you see feels like it’s lingering. It’s burning images in your brain. You kind of cringe or feel like you should get up. But there is a valuable life message here, you keep telling yourself. I should keep watching and hear it out. I should learn from it.

How successful do you think that would be?

Do you think you could guard yourself against the inappropriate visuals and sounds and feelings and thoughts in the same way as you could in the first scenario?

I was on the elliptical one day listening to an audiobook, and it stopped me in my tracks. I nearly tripped on the elliptical. It wasn’t my most graceful moment ever, but it was insightful.

The author was talking about our cells and how they grow. He scientifically explained that our cells are either in growth or protection mode. Environmental signals can be

Innocuous (harmless, innocent), in which case there is little response or impact on our cells
Growth oriented, in which case we move towards it and take it in
Protection oriented, in which case we move away from it and close down or wall off

Our cells can not react to the environmental signal, can take something in and grow, or can move away and protect. His conclusion about our cells was enlightening for me: Cells cannot be in growth and protection mode at the same time. They can grow, or they can protect. But if our cells mistake something they should protect themselves against for a growth-oriented environment, they end up opening themselves up more to the destruction. When they should be walling off, they instead take it in.

So destruction that looks like it might be growth-oriented, comes from a source that should be growth-oriented, claims to be growth-oriented, or is confounded with growth-oriented things is actually *more* destructive than just plain ol’ destruction. We open ourselves up to it differently. Instead of moving away from it, we open ourselves to it. It gets in us differently. It has an open ticket to enter our hearts and minds. And though we desire to distill it the same, it actually masks itself more insidiously as it waltzes in. It grazes by us as we focus on finding the ‘valuable life lesson’ and lodges in unassumedly.

If you’re anything like me, you may think you can separate the two. You may so want to learn whatever the Lord has to teach you, and you may have had some experiences where you’ve been strong under destructive pressure. While your desire is honorable, and while I celebrate with you the victories you’ve had, I strongly believe two things:

1. Our God is not designed that way. He doesn’t bury the good in the evil. He is all good, and He is the ultimate Teacher. He can and will teach you in a way that is all good.

2. We are not designed that way. I implore you – for your good! – learn from the cells God created. Do not open yourself for growth in an environment in which you should be protecting yourself. You were not created to work that way.

So when you’re sitting there thinking, “I wish I could change the channel,” do! Quit listening to whatever someone is saying ‘just in case the Lord has something He wants to teach you.’ You are not designed to be in growth and protection mode at the same time. It will deaden you in surreptitious ways.

Protect your mind and your heart. Interrupt their ‘broadcast,’ and change that channel!

photo credit: Robert S. Donovan

Double Whammy

Posted on April 4, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

If you’re not yet convinced about this whole interrupting thing, hopefully I’ve got a clincher here for you today: the double whammy!

I hope you can get to the place where you interrupt for your good. Where you believe that it is not selfish but helpful. Good. Right. Where you interrupt unhealthy feedback to be a good steward of the self God has entrusted to you.

Never confuse compassion and wisdom. Compassion will never require you to make an unwise decision about yourself. It doesn’t contradict or conflict with wisdom. That’s misguided compassion. ~ Andy Stanley, Guardrails

But if you’re not convinced yet, hopefully this double whammy will tip you: Not only is unhealthy feedback destructive for you to hear, it is also destructive for them to speak.

Consider second hand smoke. When someone smokes, it affects not only their health, but also the health of those around them. It is not just that their smoke affects you, but it first affects them. The smoke that affects you is simply the overflow of their FDA-warning practice.

Their smoke first gets in them. Smoking…

damages the airways and alveoli (small air sacs) of the lungs, which leads to lung diseases like emphysema, bronchitis, and chronic airway obstruction.
damages the heart. Smoking causes coronary heart disease, the leading cause of death in the United States.
reduces circulation by narrowing the blood vessels. This puts smokers at risk of developing peripheral vascular disease which obstructs the large arteries in the arms and legs. It can cause a range of problems from pain to tissue loss or gangrene.
increases the risk of coronary heart disease, stroke, lung cancer, and chronic lung diseases by anywhere from 2 to 23 times.
cause nearly 1 in 5 deaths in the United States each year. That is more deaths than from human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), illegal drug use, alcohol use, motor vehicle injuries, suicides, and murders *combined.*

Before that unhealthy habit comes out of them to affect you, it first damages them.

And so it is with unhealthy feedback: Before it comes out of them to affect you, it first damages them.

Indeed, the Lord asks us to think on things that are true, noble, and right. If they are thinking things about you that are *not* true, noble, and right, they are sinning. They are practicing something for which the wages are death.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6:45

If their mouth is saying something destructive, according to Scripture, it is the overflow of their heart. They have inhaled untrue, ignoble perceptions. They damage their mind and their heart. And they exhale onto you.

Their smoke does not just damage you. It has also damaged them.

Just like some smokers end up suffering severe health problems as a result, so can some bent on unhealthy perceptions. Thinking untrue, ignoble thoughts about others can be coupled with further unhealthiness. For some, untrue, ignoble thoughts about others are coupled with depression. For others, anxiety disorders. Thinking and speaking untrue, ignoble things can contribute to or further such disorders.

But it is not healthy to further their manifestation. It is not healthy to listen and engage in feedback that is furthering their destructive thinking. It is not helpful. And it isn’t ‘nice.’

I have erred in this. I have listened to others’ destructive thoughts, entertained them, and sought to understand them. In many of the situations in which I have been involved, this has actually given credence to the destructive thinking. It has affirmed it. Instead of stopping their destructive mindset, I have, in some instances, enabled it. It was destructive for me, and I believe enabled mindsets that contributed to furthering their personal struggles.

To be clear, we are not responsible for their thoughts. Just as it is not our responsibility to get someone to quit smoking, it is also not our responsibility to get them to quit thinking the untrue things they are thinking. But it is our responsibility not to be an enabler. Not to enable their ‘smoking,’ the effects it has on them, and the effects it has on us. Not to catalyze their unhealthiness by entertaining it and enabling it to continue.

So when someone is speaking abusively, it is a double whammy. It hurts both you and them. It is unhealthy for both you and them. It is destructive for both you and them.

And the ‘nicest’ thing I can do is interrupt. Stop their unhealthy exhale. Set a boundary around the sin.

It can help their unhealthy thinking not to further progress. It can help the conversation not to go to an even more unhealthy place. It can prevent rage from unfolding. It can thwart the irrational thought and reasoning that can ensue.

Don’t press your luck… interrupt!

It can be helpful for them. It is helpful for you. And it is valuable for your relationship.

How I lost my passion for evangelism… and kissing

Posted on April 2, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I used to wonder if I could talk about anything else.

Every conversation seemed to turn into talking about the gospel.

It didn’t matter if I was at the grocery or shopping or working at a consulting firm, every conversation somehow ended up at Jesus.

It was fun.

I wondered at times if I was some sort of weird nut. Surely there were other topics of conversation out there! But I loved this one. And the Lord seemed to honor that.

Several years ago, I remember thinking back to those days and just wondering. Do I chalk that up to the first few years of being a believer? Do I chalk that up to being in the secular world and not the church world? Maybe now I’m just more in a season of discipling believers? I still know it’s important, but I sure don’t feel like doing it.

One day in the car, I was really wrestling about it with the Lord. I remember sitting at an intersection when my frustration became clear. Christ was worth it. Christ is worth sharing. That I believed. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted to invite people into His kingdom.

It broke my heart, but it was the truth.

I had this disturbing conflict. I knew that loving the Lord had great gifts and advantages. I knew Christ was amazing. And I knew eternal destiny was important and powerful.

But being part of His kingdom was so unhealthily hurtful. I was so grieved by the treatment in the kingdom, I just couldn’t bring myself to invite others into that devastation. I didn’t want others to come into the kingdom and treat me like I was being treated by so many other Christians. It was destroying me, and I didn’t want to expose them to it. I didn’t want them to get hurled at. And I didn’t want them to join the hurling.

I had undergone so much hurt in the Body. At the time, I couldn’t figure out why, and I wasn’t having any luck finding someone to help me figure out what to do about it. I knew Christ offered life, but this just couldn’t be it. There was no way this was the ‘life abundant’ He offers.

So many days I remember driving away from church thinking I was never darkening its doors again. Any doors. Of any church. Ever again. I didn’t even want to be a part. I certainly couldn’t bring myself to invite others into it.

So here I was at this intersection asking the Lord if it could just be Him and me. I loved Him dearly. But I just couldn’t handle the hurt of the church.

I remember His response clearly,

“I wasn’t decapitated.”

I chuckled a little in my pain. Yes, good point. Christ was crucified, not beheaded. The Head of the church wasn’t separated from the Body. I can’t have just the head. I can’t run around like Herodias’ daughter. It’s the whole kit and caboodle.

I asked the Lord to show me how. How in the world was I supposed to invite people to be a part of this Body that was so incredibly hurtful? How was I supposed to invite people to be a part of something I was asking Him to take me out of and take me home?

His answer, for me, was through helping me understand the precise thing that was causing my pain. For me, the destruction, the hurtful relationships, the distrust, the feelings of betrayal, the health problems all boiled down to persecution — a specific type of persecution and how I was (or more accurately, wasn’t) responding.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” ~ Matthew 5:11-12

I tried to do what people were encouraging me to do ~ to have an eternal perspective. Persecution on earth yields great reward in heaven.

Yet I am now unconvinced for me and my situation, that the most godly perspective was simply to endure with an eternal perspective. As the Lord was gracious to show me with the ‘they’ who persecuted Jesus, I also suggest that the ‘they’ who persecuted the prophets is the same: unbelievers. I do not believe enduring persecution at the hands of believers is the godly, eternal, eternally rewarding perspective.

I was so struck reading this in context recently. The very next verse says,

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.”

The verse about salting the earth is right after the verses about being persecuted and people saying false things about you. It can deaden you. It can make you flavorless. It can sure take the saltiness out of you. It was very intriguing to me as it resonated with my seasons of feeling thrown out and trampled by men.

I’m going to admittedly make a leap here. While I can’t be sure the text says this exactly, I also am not unconvinced it can’t mean this: How we respond to the false things people say about us can greatly affect our saltiness. It can greatly affect our usefulness for the kingdom.

With unbelievers, enduring persecution may be just the thing the Lord wants for us, for our reward, and for His glory.

But after a lot of wrestling, a lot of time, several battles, and some wise people along the way, I believe the Lord is gracious to show me that persecution at the hands of believers is a whole different ballgame.

If you’ve been following {double hockey sticks}, you’re well aware that I slowly came to understand a concept that I used to call ‘imposing sinful motives.’ When I would do some benign action, as best as I can describe it, it felt like some people had a handful of sinful motives in their back pocket, and they would pull one out and say (I’m making this example up), “Your working late was completely self-serving. You are simply trying to get ahead and get promoted.” And I would sit there totally perplexed. I stayed late because someone needed help, and I thought I’d help them. I couldn’t figure out where people came up with such ‘creative’ explanations.

One or two here or there may be tolerable (though I don’t even advise tolerating one or two). But consistently from a person, people, or a community? I thought I could handle it, and I actually thought I handled them pretty well. But I had no idea what it was really doing to me.

I had no idea the way the enemy (or my sin nature or some combination) was using it to gain a foothold. I thought I was fine. I thought listening to these things was selfless. I thought not considering myself and hearing them out and seeking to understand was the honorable thing to do. I thought defending myself was some sort of selfishness or unteachability. (That’s what I was taught, so I guess I wasn’t so unteachable after all! : ))

This ‘imposing sinful motives’ is described in the clinical world as presuming to know a person’s thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them. It is defined with a hefty term: verbal abuse. To me, it sounded very overstated. It took me a long time to accept that the term could apply, it took me a long time to then accept that it did apply, it took me a long time to be willing to allude to it, it took me a long time to be willing to write it, and it took me a long time to be willing to speak it.

Now that I understand it, now that I see its veracity in Scripture, and now that I understand the effects its had on me, on my life, on my relationship with the Lord (whom I love dearly!), and on my relationship with my husband (whom I also love dearly), I now completely embrace that it is called abuse for good reason.

Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world. ~ C.S. Lewis

The Lord has used some things to help capture my attention about its intensity. The breadth and depth of what was, for me, ongoing unrecognized abuse continues to surprise me. My internal turmoil about sharing the gospel was certainly one of the things affected. Major health issues were another. And – is this TMI? – not wanting to *really* kiss my husband was another. Though he has always been incredibly supportive and never verbally abusive, as best as I can now understand, there was something about being hurt by the mouths of others that made kissing feel intolerably invasive to me. Even when it was by someone who loved me and didn’t hurt me.

Many aspects of my life – including my saltiness – were greatly affected. I had to learn to protect it. For me, that came with how I responded to persecution.

After identifying and understanding that some of the things being said to me were unacceptable to the Lord, I also had to realize that ‘hearing people out’ was *not* the selfless, godly response.

“We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s ‘interest’ on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s investment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.” ~ Boundaries

Godly selflessness isn’t deferring to the other person. It isn’t absence of self. Instead, we are actually called to be stewards of ourselves. Protecting ourselves is stewardship, not selfishness.

The Lord used my health issues to practically force me to take care of myself. It felt so awkward. I care for others – that’s what I do. Yet here I was, day after day, having to focus on myself. So uncomfortable!

Yet it forced me to get past what I considered as ‘selfishness’ in caring for myself. It forced me to value caring for myself as stewardship. And that led me to expect different treatment from fellow believers. I now believe we are called to call other believers to treat us as the Lord would have us be treated.

As I’ve learned to gain awareness about what is actually destructive feedback (though it may sound godly) and protected myself from it, I am blessed by how much the Lord has healed me. Though I would love to never have to be in a verbally abusive situation again, each instance has been an opportunity to be a steward of the investment the Lord has entrusted to me. Each time I have protected the self He gave me, it strengthens me. Each time I interrupt the negative character speculations, it energizes me. Each time I stop the abuse, it enlivens me. And each time the Lord challenges me to value the woman He has called me to be, it heals me.

As He heals me, His godly desires in me are returning. All of them.

(And that makes for a very happy husband!)

When ‘only skin deep’ is a beautiful thing!

Posted on March 28, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Do you know what the largest organ in your body is?

Skin.

Would you believe it covers almost 20 square feet on the average person?

It’s one of those organs that perhaps we don’t give enough credit. The heart gets a lot of love. And the brain gets its rightful accolades. But the skin… well, let’s give it some of its fair shake.

It’s good we have skin in the game! It

covers and protects everything inside our body. Can you imagine the havoc it would wreak on our other organs if it didn’t serve this important protective function? All kinds of grime and gunk would cripple our other vital organs. Skin protects from the viruses and bacteria to which we are exposed every day. It also protects from sun exposure.
holds everything together. It keeps our bones and muscles and organs from hanging out all over the place.
allows us to sense touch. It is allows us to feel loving touch, hurtful touch and pain, fun touch… and play tag! : )
regulates body temperature. It helps control hot and cold to enable our organs to function at their best.
kicks the bad out. Our skin has an impressive 7 million pores through which is expels impurities and enable perspiration.

Skin serves as a protective barrier between our insides and the rest of the world, and it acts as a filter.

And not just physically. Not just medically.

Skin is also an important protective barrier relationally. It is an important filter in interactions with others.

A person’s skin is their boundary: it is their protective barrier between their insides and the rest of the world. It is where they begin.

Let’s say someone makes a comment that is ‘only skin deep.’ So the comment would be simply about what is observable about another’s ‘skin’ – their physical actions. For example, if a small group member arrives late to their 7:00 small group, the leader may start an inquiry with an ‘only skin deep,’ observable action:

“I noticed you arrived at 7:30.”

We’ve talked before about the importance of communicating about actual, factual actions. Things that are skin-level observable. Taking things at face value. Commenting on things that are observable isn’t invasive because it does not go beyond skin deep.

But what if the leader took a different approach? What if the leader presumes an interpretation of the member’s action?

“You clearly aren’t committed to the group.”

This goes beyond skin deep. It delves into the persons heart and head, presuming to know their thoughts and motives.

Maybe the member isn’t committed. But maybe they stopped to get a snack for the group, and while in line, they shared with another person in line about their amazing small group, which led into a conversation where they got to share about Christ. Maybe the assumption about motive is completely off. Maybe the interpretation of the observation is inaccurate, untrue, ignoble, and sinful. Maybe it is actually the leader who is sinning by thinking things that are not true about the member.

Comments like this feel so hurtful because they go beyond skin deep. When the leader comments about motives, such as presuming that the person isn’t committed to small group, they are presuming to know what is going on in the heart and mind of the member. They are presuming to know the member’s motives and thoughts. They go beyond the member’s boundary – their skin. They penetrate beyond the boundary of the person. They are a boundary-buster, and such boundary-busting causes unnecessary hurt and destruction in relationships.

This is why verbal abuse is so hurtful. Someone presumes to know the precious things inside of you and negatively characterizes them. They penetrate beyond the boundary of your skin. It is not acceptable for someone to invade you in such a way; it is violating. And that feeling is intensified when you are penetrated by someone you trust, someone in authority over you, or someone who should be protecting you.

You begin at your skin. When someone tries to invade your protective barrier, you mustn’t let them! It may feel rude to interrupt their sharing of their ‘perceptions’ of you, but interrupting is not a sin. Verbal abuse is. Saying things that are untrue about you is sinful.

You have every right to stop their penetration of you… and I would argue, every duty. The Lord commands you to think on things that are true and noble, and if someone is trying to fill your thoughts with untrue, ignoble things about you, stop it. Simply interrupt.

Do not let those ‘perceptions’ get under your skin! Keep that bacteria and grime out of you. One tiny little bacteria getting inside of you can wreck havoc on your system ~ not only mentally, but psychologically, spiritually, and physically.

So keep those tiny little bacteria out! If a comment starts to feel like its presuming things about your thoughts and motives – that it’s getting under your skin, interrupt. Because ‘only skin deep’ is a beautiful thing.

What’s your Moo?

Posted on March 26, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

It was one of those ‘flying high’ days.

Mindy was just on top of the clouds. She loved the Lord, and like love goes, some days you know it… some days you feel it… and some days you just can’t contain it.

This was one of those ‘just can’t contain it’ days. On steroids.

As she drove to work, she stopped at a stop light. She just had this feeling if someone were crossing in the cross walk, she wouldn’t be able to stop herself. She was pretty sure she’d roll down her window and share her joy. She wanted to shout from the rooftops! What would she say? “Jesus rocks my world!” That’s pretty corny. She chuckled. She was in an effervescent mood, and she just couldn’t contain it.

This was going to be a great day.

She rounded into the parking lot and walked into church where she was the administrative assistant… or ‘skipped into the church’ may actually be more like it!

As she put her things away and got settled to start her work day, the associate pastor asked him if he could talk with her. Gladly!

She went into his office, and he shared,

“Mindy, I’m really concerned about you. You aren’t passionate about the Lord. And that greatly troubles me.”

Huh?

She sat there.

Stunned.

Was this a joke? Was she in a dream? Wait… wasn’t she flying high a few seconds ago? She didn’t know where to begin or what to think. She was perplexed.

She racked her brain. What led to this? She actually couldn’t think of a time when he had ever asked her about her relationship with the Lord or how her quiet times were. Where was this coming from? Why it was being handled this way? She couldn’t figure out how he arrived at such a bizarre conclusion.

Her mind was a jumbled mess of bewilderment. Should she seek to understand his thinking? It’s clearly so wrong; it doesn’t seem valuable to hear his reasoning. Does she tell her pastor he’s wrong? She doesn’t think that will lead any place helpful. Need she defend her relationship with the Lord to anyone ~ especially her pastor? Uck. She hated this feeling. She felt almost betrayed.

As she sat there in such a stunned stupor trying to figure out what in the world to say, he continued,

“And the fact that you’re not saying anything tells me you don’t even care.”

Wow.

She didn’t think she could be more stunned. She was wrong.

My heart breaks for Mindy. It grieves me when believers take each other down. Mindy had been flying high in the Lord. Then {pow}. From the most unlikely direction, she feels disheartened and crushed.

My heart also breaks for her pastor. There seems to be some confusion about what is helpful, constructive feedback. This is not. To presume to know the thoughts and motives of a person and to negatively characterize them is not the role of a pastor. Or of any believer.

What could Mindy have done? What should she have said?

She could have thrown PIES! : )

The first step is simply to pray. If nothing else, say, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”
The second is to interrupt. Stop the madness.

What should she have said?

Frankly, it doesn’t matter. Apart from attacking back, most anything works:

“Excuse me.”
“Please stop.”
“I am going to interrupt.”

Simply open her mouth and speak.

“Exercise sound biblical authority. [The enemy] wants to make us feel like we are unable to express ourselves, but it is a lie. It is a bluff. Open your mouth and speak. Believe and speak. Believe and speak.” ~ Beth Moore, Believing God

As Mindy begins to realize it is not acceptable before the Lord for someone to speak to His daughter this way, she starts to recognize such talk as actually a pretty big term: abuse. Such false accusations help the false accuser of the brethren. And that is detestable to the Lord. He does not agree with it nor want Mindy to be treated that way. Her next step is to stop the destruction with interruption.

She believes who she truly is in the Lord and who we are to be as the Body in Him, and she recognizes this pastor’s comments are not honoring to the Lord. So standing on rock solid truth, she can exercise sound biblical authority. For the health of the kingdom, she speaks.

“Stop.”

Is that what she should say? Is it rude?

It is right.

“Don’t picture the invisible audience around you – picture the cross in front of you. You’re stepping out before the Lord, not before people.”

It is the Lord we desire to please. And stopping his people from verbally abusing pleases Him.

As good ol’ Boundaries reminds us,

“Many times you will feel mean when you were not.”

In actuality, allowing abuse is mean!

“Evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it.”

Stop the destruction with interruption.

As you’ve followed {double hockey sticks} and become adept at recognizing abuse in the kingdom, I encourage you to think of your ‘interrupt’ word or phrase. Your Interrupting Cow ”moo!” What will you say to interrupt? What will you say when you recognize verbal abuse towards you, or when you want to interrupt it from happening to someone else? Say it out loud.

“Stop.”
“Excuse me.”
“No.”
“That’s not ok.”

Whatever it’s going to be, have it ready. So when the cat’s got your tongue, you’re ready to stop the destruction with your interruption!