Backing up a bit

Posted on May 9, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

You know that noise you hear when construction equipment backs up? That beep, beep, beep. Or if you have a Prius like we do, when your Prius backs up? Beep, beep, beep.

The man who invented that goes to our church, so every time I hear it or think of backing up, I think of him.

This post is for you, Mark!

We’ve talked about things to do if we’d like someone to be more vulnerable:

affirm their value
be interested in them
be a safe environment.

And things not to do!

Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Critiquing them for not sharing
Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Blaming them

But what if we’re trying all these things, and they aren’t ‘working’? What if they still aren’t being ‘vulnerable’?

If you feel like you’ve tried some of our investments to no avail, it’s worth backing up a bit. What do we mean by ‘be more vulnerable’? What is it we really want of them? What is it exactly that we’re looking for?

It’s valuable to clarify the goal, because our goal may actually be the problem. Our definition of ‘vulnerable’ may truly be what’s creating the conundrum. Backing up to redefine it may be our solution.

If we want to know their hurts and hopes and dreams (if they have/know them), then the above relational investments often land us right where we’re hoping to be.

But we should check ourselves. Are any of these our goal?

Is our goal for them to ‘open up’ by sharing their critiques and complaints?
Is our goal for them to ‘vent’ by sharing their frustrations about other people?
Is our goal for them to share a struggle… because what they are going through would be a struggle for us?

If any of those hint at our hopes, our expectations may actually be the problem. Our definition of ‘vulnerable’ may actually be the problem.

Remember, the Lord asks us to do everything without complaining. Not complaining is a godly thing!
The Lord says that a fool vents. Not being a fool is a godly thing!
And perhaps, indeed, the Lord’s plan in their life doesn’t make any sense – they’d even agree to that! – but perhaps they trust what He’s up to. Perhaps they trust and are at peace with the Lord’s plan for their life. *We* may not be at peace about it! But they may be.

We’ve got to be wise that in our desire for them to be ‘vulnerable,’ we aren’t actually prodding them towards complaining… venting… or discontent. Our goal is of course not to instigate worry where there is not any; it is simply to discover if there is any so we can care for them. Our goal is not to encourage them to vent as a fool does; it is to rally them towards wisdom. Our goal is not to rouse up complaining when the Lord clearly tells us not to; it is to champion them towards godliness.

So maybe they are being vulnerable. Perhaps they are being more vulnerable than they’ve ever been in their life. Perhaps their vulnerability simply looks different than we think it should.

A simple way to diagnose this? Ask them. We are *big* fans of inviting questions here at {double hockey sticks}. They solve so many issues really well. Remember the PB&J conundrum? Crisis averted with a simple question. After all, the wise seek understanding (Proverbs 18:2).

Do you feel like this is a place where you can really share your victories and concerns?

Do you want to be more vulnerable than you feel like you can be?

Do you have any ideas on how we could make our group feel more inviting – where people feel free to be vulnerable?

You may have an idea for a better question. If so, I’d love to hear it! In the right environment – on a walk, over coffee, with some time to consider and let them get back to you, and approached well – in a calm, caring, loving, inviting, private manner, simply ask. That may be the best way to get the pulse check you’ve been craving.

Beep, beep, beep : )

being an oasis

Posted on May 7, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Someone’s not being vulnerable isn’t all on them.

In fact, it may not at all be on them.

As we’ve said, vulnerability is not a one-man show. It involves a dynamic between at least two people. So though we may blame someone else for not being ‘vulnerable,’ we may be part of the problem. Or dare I say – the whole problem?

Jesus was very guarded. He was careful with whom He shared precious things.

Think about it. What examples can you think of when He was ‘vulnerable’? With whom? Where?

When people asked Him questions, He often responded with a question. He attempted to distill their motives before He shared the precious things of the kingdom. He didn’t go around sharing everything with everyone. He was wise with his audience. He shared just enough. And when the disciples wanted to know more, they asked.

Today’s consideration for how to help someone be more vulnerable is to be sure we are wise people worthy of others’ sharing their pearls.

That sounds a bit lofty. Let’s take a very practical example: How have you responded in the past when they shared?

Trina was leading her small group through their study’s questions. In response to question #3, Valerie shared a struggle in her life. She’s trying to understand what God is doing, and question #3 poked at it a bit. She shared that it is a struggle for her. She felt pretty vulnerable in that moment.

Trina responded, “Ok, moving on. What did everyone get for question #4?”

Later, Trina gets frustrated with Valerie that she is not willing to be vulnerable and share about her life. Valerie is confused. She was vulnerable and had shared things that were vulnerable; it seems Trina does not recognize her sharing as vulnerable. Second, she felt shut down when she was vulnerable. It seems that getting through the questions was the priority, so Valerie was trying to follow her leader’s leading.

We’ve got to be so careful in our frustrations. Sometimes the one lodging the complaint is the one actually at fault.

Consider another situation:

Valerie shared a prayer request she’d shared multiple times. She could have pretended like it wasn’t a big deal and made other things up, but it was, so she shared it in the group’s prayer requests week after week. It was really weighing on her.

After multiple shares, another group member responded, “You’ve shared that before. Can’t you share something else?”

Trina did nothing.

The only response Valerie had gotten from her multiple shares about what was weighing on her was, “Please share something else.” No one in the group had followed up with her about it, asked her about it, sent her verses pertaining to it, or anything that seemed to express interest, care, or concern. Instead, she was asked to share something else.

Valerie prayed about it and felt like the Lord was telling her to drop it. So she did. It felt unfruitful to try to convince her group members to care about her concern.

To help someone be more vulnerable, we’ve got to consider our role:

How do you talk about others around them? Are they concerned you’ll talk about them that way? Or do you value others and say valuing things about others?
Are you good at keeping secrets? Do you tell them what others told you in confidence? Can they trust that you’ll be trustworthy with the things precious to them?
Do you try to tell them what to do? Good counselors take people kicking and screaming where THEY want to go!
Do you expect them to be like you? To do things like you do them? Do you think your way is the right way? Or do you enjoy them for who they are and enjoy that they do things differently?
Do you tell them what to do? Things that aren’t in Scripture, I mean. Do you tell them how they should do this and that – things for which the Lord allows freedom?
How do you respond to the things they share? Do you judge? Do you critique? Do you unintentionally verbally abuse? Or do you affirm and express interest?
Have you or anyone in the group publicly called them out for something? Are they just trying not to get embarrassed?

These personal dynamics are of course critical in being a wisely safe person with whom your friend can share her pearls. Situational dynamics are important to consider as well.

If this is a couples group or a workplace setting, consider the male-female dynamic.
If this is a small group, church group, church staff, or any type of setting that should feel safe yet something happened to make it feel unsafe, the intensity of that can feel multiplied. It may take longer to create an environment that feels safe.
If you as the leader have done something to make a group member feel unsafe, the intensity of the ‘unsafe’ feeling can also be multiplied. If a leader who is supposed to protect does not, it will likely take longer to rebuild that feeling of trust.

If none of these brainstorms have proven diagnostic for your situation, great questions can prove fruitful! Ask them if there is anything you can do differently for them to feel more comfortable around you. You may want to e-mail it in advance to them or talk to them in person and let them know you’d love for them to consider the question and meet for coffee later. Give them time to ponder, to come to clarity, and to work up the courage to share. Maybe it’s a more generalized question about how the group (or team or relationship) can feel like a safe environment. That two-way dialogue could prove incredibly fruitful.

In my experience working with hundreds of small group leaders and thousands of small group members, I have never met a person who didn’t respond well to being valued, to having someone show interest in them, and who didn’t crave a safe environment. I have never met a person who didn’t drink that stuff up like an oasis in a desert.

Granted, I’ve only met a very, very small percentage of the world. But in that small percentage, I believe this is what we crave.

So I invite you to be an oasis. Be a safe place for people to share their pearls.

I believe you will be insanely blessed by the intentional – and fun – efforts you pour into creating it.

Interest = a great ROI!

Posted on May 2, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I have never met someone who wasn’t vulnerable.

Instead, I often hear, “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

And it’s not because I’m anyone special. Because I’m not.

My current hypothesis is this: It’s because they are special. And I simply believe it.

I believe to my core that God put every single person on this planet for a valuable reason. And, well, I love discovering what it is! What makes them unique? What unique journey does He have them on? What unique wiring did He give them? What perfect plan does He have for them – that may look so different from my perfect plan or the world’s perfect plan?

And can I tell you that some of my favorite people are some of the most unique.

You know, the ones who march to their own drummer.

Maybe sort of like The Help movie. Who was the journalist? Skeeter, I think.

I love people like that. I just adore them.

It truly tickles and delights me to experience people’s uniqueness.

One of the easiest ways I’ve found to help people be vulnerable is simply to be interested.

This can be related to believing they are valuable – simply the natural outpouring of it. In action, it can look simply like this:

Ask follow up questions to what they shared.
Follow up on something they mention a few days or weeks later. Ask how it’s going. Find out what happened with the prayer request.
Tell them you found what they shared interesting.
Go do something with them that they enjoy. Go on their turf.
Highlight something valuable they did in what they shared.
Offer an article that reminds you of them or something they shared.

My mom is the cutest. She is crazy good at that last one. I tease that her love language is newspaper articles. She mails us articles that remind her of us. Sometimes I honestly don’t even remember telling her about some of the things she cuts out. Or I am amazed when she sends an article about something that I mentioned a year or two ago. She listens, she pays attention, and she lets us know she’s thinking of us. It’s the gesture – her showing interest lets us know that she cares enough to listen, remember, think of us, and follow up. That investment of interest is inviting.

On the contrary, consider a situation like this: Matt is sharing about his weekend. In the middle of his story, his coworker interrupts and says, “I don’t have time for this,” and walks out of his office. Later, Matt is critiqued for only talking business and not sharing his personal life with his coworker. Hmmmm…. I wonder how he ended up there? : )

This whole business of ‘showing interest’ can be as easy as asking a specific question. And when I suggest specific, “How are you?” doesn’t count! : )

Some specific questions that show you’ve listened and are interested in their life could be something like…

What did you like about the play you saw last week?
What’s something you’ve found interesting in one of the classes you’re taking?
This school year, who is one of your students you enjoy?
Are you glad you did this or that?
(if you have some rapport) How is your marriage?
(if you have some rapport) How are you and the Lord doing?

When I was learning Greek, someone asked me what my favorite word was. I thought that was such a unique, clever question! I forget what mine was, but it was one that was fun to say. I remember that theirs was ἀλήθεια. They loved truth and loved the way the word sounded (a-lay-thay-a). Talk about a unique and specific question!

Can I tell you that this is huge for introverts! Introverts don’t just naturally talk about themselves. They’d rather do just about anything else. Combine that with an introvert who is naturally curious about others, loves to listen, has potentially been abused, has not experienced someone finding them valuable or interesting, or any of a variety of other factors, and you have someone who is unlikely to talk about themselves. They aren’t withholding or being mean. It just doesn’t occur to them to talk about themselves.

And when it does, they get tired of it really fast!

I just love this article about introverts. One of things I’ve found insightfully helpful:

“The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.”

So this whole business of remembering what they say is huge if you’d like them to be more vulnerable with you.

By the way, the article also highlights a gender challenge,

“Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially.”

Not all women love to share everything. And just because a woman isn’t sharing does not mean she’s not vulnerable.

Remember, vulnerability isn’t a one-person show. It’s a two-way interaction. We’re not about labeling people as ‘vulnerable’ or ‘not vulnerable.’ If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable with you, we’ve got to consider that particular relationship.

Being interested in what they say and demonstrating that interest by commenting or affirming now, asking follow up questions, or following up later can result in a great return on your investment of time, energy, effort, and friendship. Asking great questions is a gift to others as it can help them discover parts of themselves they didn’t even know were there. It expresses interest in them – which can express care and love. It can also be a fun way to experience interesting aspects of life. Who knows what you’ll discover!

If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable

Posted on April 30, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I’ve never met someone who isn’t vulnerable.

I’ve met a lot of people who others claim are not vulnerable.

But I’ve never actually met someone who isn’t vulnerable. Who doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. And who won’t share their true self.

In the right environment, that is.

Vulnerability is not a one-man show.

In an inviting atmosphere surrounded by the right person or people who affirm value, express interest, and create a safely wise environment, I have found that people are very willing to be vulnerable.

These are what I’ve observed to be the worst ways to go about getting someone to be more vulnerable:

Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Critiquing them for not sharing
Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Blaming them

If someone isn’t being vulnerable, they weren’t waiting to get critiqued to start being vulnerable. They weren’t sitting there thinking, “Now once I’m publically embarrassed, then I’ll be ready to be vulnerable.” What these things are actually likely to accomplish is sealing the deal. It will confirm for them that they were wise not to be vulnerable around you. It also has a way of making them regret when they were vulnerable, and it nearly ascertains that they will not be vulnerable with you in the future.

Unfortunately, that’s not progress. Or healthy. Or helpful for the kingdom.

Instead, for most every problem, we can help contribute to the solution.

We simply affirm

Value
Interest
Safety

There is no harm in trying any of these things. The world will not be a worse place if we value people more, show more interest in them, and create safer environments. So at the very least, you’ll make the world a better place. You may also get that vulnerability you’ve been craving. And… you could possibly even revolutionize someone’s world.

VALUE

Seriously. Some people do not know they are valuable. They have never been treated as valuable. Or worse, someone has told them they are not valuable. They may have grown up in a home where it was best to be seen and not heard, they may have a spouse who treats them in a way that communicates they lack worth, or they may work in an environment where they are consistently devalued. They may not even realize that they don’t realize they are valuable. (You may need to read that one again!)

If someone doesn’t know they are valuable, it likely doesn’t occur to them that they have anything valuable to share. You may need to not only affirm their value, but also help them discover what specifically about them is valuable.

Almost every person with whom I have worked who has been critiqued for not being vulnerable has been abused in their life. (I’m saying almost to allow for an exception, but in all honesty, I can’t think of one.) Sometimes the mistreatment has been by others, and the vulnerability-critiquer is simply experiencing the effects. Yet other times, unintentionally, it is by the critiquer himself.

So the first thing we can do is be sure we are not unintentionally harming them. That we are refraining from presuming to know their thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them. That we are not thinking things about them that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. That we don’t just gloss over a list like that, but we consider each word intentionally and ask the Lord to convict our hearts if we’ve thought or said anything to them or about them that does not fit God’s desire for our hearts and minds. If we’ve thought it, we confess it to the Lord. If we’ve said it, we confess it to them.

So the first step towards their becoming more vulnerable around us may actually fall on us.

Secondly, we need to be sure we are convinced they have value. To treat someone as valuable, we need to be convinced of their value. God creates masterpieces. If you need help seeing how this person is a masterpiece and a precious creation of God, then ask Him. He delights to reveal His beauty.

Believe they are valuable, and begin to see what is valuable about them.

After you start to see their beauty and value, affirm it in them. If they’re not aware of it, you will change their life. Literally. They will begin to see how the Lord has wired them. They will begin to embrace it. And your delighting with them over how the Lord has created them opens a precious door. You will begin to get a sweet taste of that intimacy you’ve been craving.

And what I love about valuing others – it’s fun!

This is one of the many reasons I love the charge to

Encourage one another daily.

There are so many messages of how we are not valuable – or what is valuable to the world. And there are precious few recalibrations of what the Lord finds valuable. Encouraging one another daily is simply stating what you see in them that God likes, delights in, and created. What in them resonates with Who the Lord is? Maybe they are artistic. Maybe they are creative. Maybe they are a good listener. Maybe they have done something thoughtful. Maybe they are committed to God’s Word. Maybe they are a prayer warrior. Calling out the Lord in them fills them with strength. It fills them with courage. It calls out their value.

Affirming value is the first step towards vulnerability. Believe they are valuable, and share that value with them. It’s amazing the impact calling out someone’s value has.

I’ll leave us time to wrestle with that today. How can you affirm someone’s value today?

Up next: Expressing interest and being a wisely safe environment.

save the baby

Posted on March 7, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Cindy got off the phone. She was so disgusted with herself. Why in the world did she think that? Where did such a thing come from?

She’d been calling women in her church inviting them to the women’s retreat. She went through the list, person by person. And she actually got to talk to several of the women.

One woman debated about going. But then she remembered that her husband would be working that weekend, so she thought she might get away as well.

“He works about an hour away, and the traffic is really bad. So sometimes when he has a shift that goes late on a Friday and starts early on a Saturday, he just stays the night near work.”

Sounds innocent enough, right?

But immediately Cindy thought,

“He’s having an affair.”

The thought stunned her. Where in the world did that come from? I mean, maybe he is having an affair. But maybe the traffic is bad. Maybe it is dangerous for him to drive home late at night tired and then again early in the morning tired. Maybe there is a perfectly innocent, sinless explanation.

Yet here she was with the immediate thought that he was actively engaged in sin.

It disgusted her.

What happened to thinking things that were true, noble, and right?

What happened to thinking pure and lovely thoughts?

Where in the world did this come from?

So she confessed it. She confessed to the Lord that she jumped to a crazy conclusion. She confessed that her thoughts could totally be sin. If he wasn’t having an affair, she sure was thinking some false accusations. And that disgusted her.

As the shock abated, another thought crossed her mind.

“Why did I think that? I’ve never thought that before about anyone. Ever. I’ve never assumed that someone spending the night someplace was an affair. What if there is truth to it? What if it was a prompting of the Holy Spirit? Yet here I am beating myself up over thinking a sinful thought.”

Hmmmm… what to do with that? She didn’t want to presume to know the thoughts and actions of some woman’s husbands, yet she also didn’t want to ignore what could be a prompting from the Lord.

So this is what she decided.

“If the thought was my sin, I need to confess that. Yet it never hurts to pray for someone’s marriage. It never hurts to pray the Lord will strengthen it. It never hurts to pray that anything that is a potential stumbling block would be brought into the light.”

So that’s what she did. She confessed that she may be thinking sinful thoughts. And she prayed for the best for them and their marriage. She asked the Lord if she should invite the woman to lunch to see how she was and see where the Lord took the conversation. And she prayed.

The next week she stopped by the church to drop off some donations. As she walked up to the office administrator, she heard her say into the phone, “Your emergency counseling appointment is here.”

Cindy glanced up. She saw the back of a couple she’d been praying for walking down the hall.

And she got chills.

Was he having an affair? She doesn’t know. If not, she’s confessed her potentially sinful thought. And if it was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to prayerfully invest in that marriage, she was grateful that it seemed her prayers were being answered.

So what do we do when we’re in a Cindy situation? When we’re caught in a tension of not wanting to squelch what could be the Holy Spirit, but also not wanting to misassume and mischaracterize the motives and actions of others?

If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know of my great concern regarding verbal abuse – especially in the church today. My passion and my goal is to heighten the awareness of verbal abuse so that we don’t unintentionally devastate others and ourselves.

Yet it is for the sake of vitality, freedom and life.

Not paralysis.

I do not want to cause unintentional paralysis. I do not want us to be so concerned about verbally abusing others that we squelch the Holy Spirit in us. Yet we must balance that with a reminder that our thoughts can be caused by our sin nature or influenced by Satan – just because we think it doesn’t mean it’s from the Holy Spirit!

I also do not want us to be so concerned about verbally abusing others that we do not reach out and seek help about how to handle a difficult situation or relationship. I want our hearts to be tender and respectful of God’s precious creations and our motives pure about what is best for them, us, and the kingdom.

And I think Cindy provides a good model of that balance. She employed three things:

1 ~ Confession. She confessed that her thought could be sin.

2 ~ Caution. She was open that her thought could be the Holy Spirit. She proceeded with great caution and humility.

3 ~ Care. She did what never hurts. She prayed for them, loved them, cared about them, and sought the Lord.

We want to be sure to excise verbal abuse… yet not throw the Holy Spirit out with it! It’s the whole baby with the bath water thing. Get rid of the grime – or potential grime – yet hang on to what’s precious with confession, caution, and care.

“Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it’s enough.” ~ Robert Heller

photo credit: Stephane Raymond

Your zipper is down!

Posted on February 7, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I was huge into animal rights growing up. I didn’t eat meat, didn’t use products tested on animals, didn’t wear leather or wool or silk, and I always thought when I was on my own I’d go full vegan. I was a card-carrying member of PETA. For a decade starting at age 10, that was my life.

It wasn’t super normal at the time in the Midwest. I remember going to restaurants, and there was *nothing* on the menu without meat. I remember going into fast food places and ordering a bun with cheese, lettuce, and tomato. They would just look at me, totally perplexed. : )

I became a believer in college and was surrounded by an amazing group of people. They sought to understand why I was so into animal rights, and they started to see some differences between my reasoning and things they saw in Scripture.

(Quick clarification: I think it is totally possible to be a vegetarian and a believer, or love animals and be a believer, or be a member of PETA and be a believer. For me, my personal reasoning for being a vegetarian seemed to have some inconsistencies with some things the Bible teaches. If I chose to continue not to eat meat for other reasons, cool. Their gracious concern was to help me think and reason biblically.)

My friends were so great about their exploration of my views on animals. They were so gentle and thoughtful about it. They shared on occasion something they read or something they saw that they thought might pertain.

And you know what? They were probably right about everything they said.

Did I change?

No.

I listened. And I often sat there a bit confused.

I had just accepted Christ. I was just beginning to understand that there is a heaven and a hell. I was just learning that the New Testament is Jesus and after, and the Gospels are all about him. I had just heard a pastor say, “And of course everyone knows John 3:16!” So I was trying to catch up and learn John 3:16. And I was absorbing that I was a sinner. That God was God. And that Christ did a crazy amazing thing for us.

My friends were *amazing.* I love that they cared so much for me that they wanted to help me understand a biblical world view. And I love that when I wasn’t at all connecting what eating chicken had to do with this whole Bible thing, they were patient and caring with me.

God was working on me.

He just had some bigger fish to fry first.

So what’s up with the picture that goes with this post?

I’m so glad you asked.

Let’s say someone’s fly is down. They are in casual conversation at a party, and you gently, discretely, and politely let them know their fly is down. They say ‘thanks’ and, while perhaps embarrassed, are grateful to know so they can do something about it.

But now let’s say it’s the climber dude in the picture whose fly is down. Let’s say you tell him discretely and intending to be helpful, “Climber dude, your fly is down!” You would normally expect someone to say ‘thanks’ and fix it, right?

Instead, climber dude just looks at you totally perplexed. Ok, so his fly may be down, but he’s got bigger fish to fry at the moment! Like how in the world he’s going to pull himself up off that cliff and get to safety.

And if we think about this super practically, if climber dude were to take a moment to fix his zipper, well, for most people, that takes two hands. So if climber dude uses his two hands to fix his zipper… you get where this is going, right? {splat} That is not the thing to be focusing on right now.

Would you be right if you tried to explain to climber dude that it is indecent to have your fly down and that it isn’t an appropriate way to dress? I mean, yeah. That is technically right.

But he has bigger fish to fry right now. And actually, focusing on the tadpole you’d like him to be frying could be the wrong focus for him at the moment. It could interfere with the focus God has for him, which could lead to unhelpful consequences for him! {splat}

So what’s our takeaway?

I mean, I suppose we should XYZ. And I suppose we could Eat Mor Chikin. But I really think my friends were on to something.

Just because the person you’re talking with isn’t changing doesn’t mean you are wrong or they are sinful or they are unteachable or whatever. God may just have some bigger fish to fry right now.

And you may be paving the way for *His* perfect timing.

For me, that was a little over a year after I became a believer. I was shopping one day and saw a cute pair of shoes. I picked them up to see what they were made out of. The label said ‘genuine leather.’ I normally would have put the shoes down and been sad for the animals who died for those shoes.

But that day was different.

I didn’t feel that sadness.

Instead, I felt a freedom.

I felt this open door to purchase the shoes.

It was weird.

And then a week or so later, I tried chicken.

And you know what? My friends were right. Everything they said was right. And importantly, their patience and care were right.

God had some bigger fish to fry first in my life. When *His* time was right, He used the things they so caringly and lovingly had shared.

So while you may be right, and while what you see may be on God’s agenda somewhere, what matters is the fish *God* desires to fry in that person’s life. Focusing on tadpoles may distract from the life and vitality God desires to share with them.

He’s working. Gently and lovingly share, then trust Him with His perfect timing in their lives.

Pillow Fight!!

Posted on January 31, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Occasionally I get asked if I am going to talk about the value of adding “I feel…” and other softeners before statements to help confrontation be more palatable.

Your wish is my command! Yet I owe you a heads up – my take has a bit of a twist to it. This may go in a different direction than you typically hear…

I was talking with my husband about some of these statements, and his response well captured my concern.

Let’s take this statement as an example:

“You have a hateful heart.”

What if we put “I feel” in front of that?

“I feel like you have a hateful heart.”

Does that soften it and make it more palatable? This was my husband’s response. I just love it!

“That’s like putting ‘I feel’ in front of a loaded machine gun.”

A loaded machine gun.

Yikes.

I call things like ‘I feel’ and ‘I perceive’ and ‘I think’ pillows. Putting them around loaded machine guns may disguise the gun a bit, but the gun is still destructive.

Remember, presuming to know a person’s thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them is verbal abuse. Putting pillows around it simply makes it a negative characterization with a pillow. It doesn’t fundamentally change the nature of the characterization. The words still have the power to “pierce like swords” (Proverbs 12:18). They still have the potential to “destroy [our] neighbors” (Proverbs 11:9).

And in fact, they may actually be more destructive. Crazy, right? When someone seems calm and talks in a caring voice and puts ‘I feel’ or some other ‘pillow’ in front of their statement, the blow doesn’t seem as obvious. Verbal abuse seems easier to identify if someone is raging and yelling. Yet a seemingly calm, caring, ‘I feel’ conversation can easily be filled with verbal abuse. Because it appears less destructive, because it seems like it might be an ‘I feel’ statement, we may be tricked into believing we should entertain destructive thoughts. They sneak in unawares as we seek to understand what is actually abusive thinking. Those sneaky rascals can be so insidious! Disguising the blow may actually – ironically – make it *more* destructive.

Crazy.

Remember,

A fool does not delight in understanding,
But only in revealing his own mind.
~ Proverbs 18:2

Putting ‘I perceive’ or ‘I think’ in front of a ‘you’ statement does not make one not a fool. In fact – and this is quite a twist! – it may actually be a trigger that ’delighting in airing his mind’ is just what he is doing.

Yet helping people be fools is not our passion.

Putting feathers around machine guns is not our passion.

Pillows are not our passion.

Our passion is fundamentally changing the way that we think about and approach others. Because it keeps relationships clean and healthy. Because it is filled with life and vitality. Because it works. Because it avoids verbal abuse. Because it is what the Lord desires. Because it honors Him. Because it keeps from destroying fellow believers. Because it keeps from helping the devil. Because it keeps believers strong to do the Lord’s work. Because it builds God’s kingdom. Because it makes His kingdom more attractive to those not yet in it! Because it is more attractive. Because it is of the Lord.

And that’s worlds better than a pillow!

Influence: the best way to lead

Posted on January 29, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

“At the end of the day, leadership drives everything.” ~ Bud Moeller

Perhaps there is no pun intended for this race car winner and enthusiast, but Bud Moeller’s passion is clear: “At the end of the day, leadership drives everything.”

I had the privilege of spending time with Bud recently learning about leadership. His conviction – dare I say it? – revved up my leadership engine.

Bud’s resume is impressive. He heralds 25 years in business leadership as a Partner at Accenture and a Vice President at Booz, Allen & Hamilton. After a successful career, he retired in his 40s and now lives the ‘dream life.’ He is an avid race car driver with a car collection that I think rivals Jay Leno’s! Off the racetrack, he devotes his time to consulting for nonprofits. Bud’s character is perhaps even more impressive. He is a truly gifted, humble leader. (Click here to read his full interview, including how he intentionally developed his character.)

Many things inspired me in our conversation, but one especially stood out: Bud’s take on influence. We’ve been heralding the value of de facto leadership instead of de jure leadership. Yet that’s not just the plea of those being led; it is the victory cry of this successful leader.

Leadership drives everything

Bud’s passion is clear, “At the end of the day, leadership drives everything.” This is what that looks like in action:

“It’s all about the CEO or leader of the organization casting vision, getting everyone aligned, and keeping them motivated, concentrated, and focused on what they are doing. That is what leadership is all about.”

He is poignant that leadership is not management, “which is budgets and org charts and that kind of stuff.” Leadership, most simply, is about casting vision and alignment.

A critical part of the alignment is that it is voluntary. While “the simplest definition of a leader is somebody who has followers… there is a difference between followers and subordinates.” He is not talking about having ‘followers’ below a leader on an org chart. Instead,

“Leadership is about getting that voluntary component – that will that you give someone or that you exercise in someone to get them to want to perform, to do it with excellence, to go the extra mile, to want to grow, to want to develop themselves, to be thinking like the person above them or two levels above them… That is leadership in action. The rest is just management.”

So leaders cast vision, get everyone willfully and voluntarily aligned, and, importantly, create action:

“If they don’t take action, you’ve kind of wasted your time. Great ideas are never bigger than the brain cells they occupy without action. Getting people to think about things is one thing. Getting them to act in a different way – that is when leadership is actually taking place.”

How does one do this? Most simply, through influence.

Leadership is influence

Though I have heard many times that “leadership is influence,” Bud’s life and influence brought a new poignancy, example, and clarity for me. Bud is influential in my life, in friends’ and family members’ lives, in ministries at our church, and in key leadership decisions. Yet he holds no official role or title that grants him that influence. He simply has relationships, wisdom, a warm personality, a sharp mind, and a gentle and inviting way of causing you to want to go down the best path.

Because I respect him and his leadership, I asked him if he would ever have a desire to serve on our church’s elder board (providing leadership for 15,000+ people). His answer surprised me: “To me, there is as much power in being just an influencer in the organization as there is having positional authority.” Then he took it one step further: Bud believes he has *more* ability to influence the direction of the church as a consultant than he would as a member of the board. As a consultant, “you can exert your influence in a way that is not even seen or recognized as influence, and I think therefore you can make bigger things happen.”

Position, title, and authority are not his goals; influence, change, and advancing the organization are. And he believes it is not only possible – but perhaps preferable – to accomplish that apart from position. For Bud, ‘leadership is influence’ isn’t a consolation prize. Instead, it is the best way to lead.

So what exactly is this thing that he is so good at? What is ‘influence’? It is how Bud spots great leaders:

“If you’re a person that when you say something, everybody believes it, and they do it, and they follow along, you’re one of the most valuable people in that company to me if I’m the executive…. watching who has influence… even no matter what level you are, exercising that influence and developing that influence with others.

“Remember if the definition of a leader is somebody that has followers, if you say things and everybody believes you and they want to do what you do and they’re asking you for advice and all that kind of stuff, you by definition have followers. And so I think, again, regardless of your level in the organization or your role, you can exert that kind of leadership and develop it.”

It is the stuff of 12 Angry Men. The lone juror to believe ‘not guilty’ was truly an influencer. He held no official position. Yet he led eleven other men in an influentially remarkable way.

How Bud influenced me

As Bud said, great leaders create action. And he did that for me. First, he inspired me: influencing is leadership. As he cast vision for what influencing looks like, I realized that I gratefully have some key places where I have been able to be influential. Now reframed as leadership and elevated in importance, those roles have greater value to me, and I aim to be a more intentional steward of those relationships. I now also see how I can replicate that in other relationships. While I have felt stuck in leadership for quite some time, I am now revved with a valuable course forward.

(For more ways Bud influenced me, see the full interview here.)

a freeing ministry insight

Posted on January 10, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

‘Talking’ this out with you guys has been really helpful.

As I read back over my last blog post, I sense some of my old patterns and thoughts in it.

Restorative is one of my strengths … and you know what they say about strengths! Often strengths taken to an extreme are weaknesses. Being strong in restorative means that I love to solve problems – for me, especially conceptual ones that affect people’s lives. I love figuring out the underlying factors. I love bringing things to a place of life and vitality.

It also means that when I see a problem – especially a conceptual one that affects people’s lives – I want to jump in and help. Yet I feel like the Lord has been reminding me over and over again from a variety of angles that it is not my problem to fix. I have become a strong believer that one of the critical characteristics of great leaders is strong, healthy boundaries.

I’ve been reading in the Gospels recently… partly because we just celebrated Christmas… and partly because I’m taking a class on the Theology and Ethics of Leadership. Part of the class is studying, well, the best leader *ever.* And I’ve been intrigued by some patterns in Jesus’ leadership. And blessed. And… well… freed.

Jesus seems to have two patterns of ‘helping’ people.

One is for his inner circle. He calls them with his famous,

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.” ~ Matthew 4:19

He offers

a personally identified ask (here, to Peter and Andrew)
relational invitation (“Come”)
specific direction (“Follow me”)
relational investment (“I will”)
personal vision (he will lead/develop them: “make you”)
specific vision (goal of being “fishers of men”)

His calling is assertive, not aggressive. He doesn’t say, “You need to be more godly,” or “You need to pray more,” or “You need to be more passionate about worship.” He casts a vision and offers to invest in them.

I *love* thinking about what that would look like applied to our ministries! Instead of “you need to be in a small group,” what if we said, “Come, follow me. I will make you a lover of the Lord.” “Come, follow me. I will help you love God’s Word.” “Come, follow me. I will help you experience Jesus like you never have before.” “Come, follow me. I will ____________.” How inspiring would that be!

Jesus reaches out to personally invite people into invested, visionary discipleship. Then much of his teaching and investment in them is done as a result of *their* seeking *him* out. He does the inviting; they do the active, invested following:

His disciples came to him… ~ Matthew 5:1

The disciples came to him and asked… ~ Matthew 13:10

Then he left the crowd and went into the house. His disciples came to him and said, “Explain to us…” ~ Matthew 13:36

Then the disciples came to him and asked… ~ Matthew 15:12

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked… ~ Matthew 17:19

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked… ~ Matthew 18:1

Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him… ~ Matthew 24:1

As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us…” ~ Matthew 24:3

On the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the disciples came to Jesus and asked… ~ Matthew 26:17

Now that’s just some highlights only from the book of Matthew… but do you see a trend? Jesus’ disciples came to him. They actively followed him. They sought him out. His energy wasn’t investing in herding cats and corralling people to attend each of his seminars. *They* came to *him.*

Let me jump into my second observation… I think we’ll see a similarity!

I was struck by Jesus’ second pattern for helping people: how He determines whom he’ll help. Who gets healed? Who doesn’t? There are a lot of people who need healing. And, well, we’re all sinners! We all need some convicting and teaching. So how does he determine whom he’ll help?

Frankly, the same way he ‘disciples’:

People brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and he healed them. ~ Matthew 4:24

A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” ~ Matthew 8:2

When evening came, many who were demon-possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick. ~ Matthew 8:16

Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. ~ Matthew 9:2

While he was saying this, a synagogue leader came and knelt before him and said, “My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live.” ~ Matthew 9:18

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. ~ Matthew 9:20

A man who was demon-possessed and could not talk was brought to Jesus… ~ Matthew 9:22

A large crowd followed him, and he healed all who were ill. ~ Matthew 12:15

Then they brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see. ~ Matthew 12:22

People brought all their sick to him and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched it were healed. ~ Matthew 14:35-36

A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me!” ~ Matthew 15:22

Great crowds came to him, bringing the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others, and laid them at his feet; and he healed them. ~ Matthew 15:30

When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him… ~ Matthew 17:41

Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. ~ Matthew 19:2

The blind and the lame came to him at the temple, and he healed them. ~ Matthew 21:14

Do you see this crazy pattern!! *They* came to *him.* Even being blind is no excuse!

As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!” When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him… ~ Matthew 9:27-28

Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” ~ Matthew 20:29

Two blind men *followed* him to get help!!

He corrects those who in error in the same pattern – when they come to him:

That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question… Jesus replied, “You are in error…” ~ Matthew 22:23, 29

Again, there is a pattern of helping those who come to him. They initiate. That’s how he determines whom to help. They come to him.

It’s not like he’s Superman and just shows up when someone needs help. Ok, so he is the ultimate Superman! But my point is that he doesn’t just magically show up to help those who need his help. He helps those who come to him. Look at the juxtaposition: In Matthew 9:4, right in the midst of healing a man and forgiving his sins (a man who was brought to him!), Christ responds to the *thoughts* of men! He can do it. Yet Christ, who knows all, including thoughts, ministered to those who came to him and asked for healing.

Now there is an asterisk: A couple of times, though people do not directly ask for help, Jesus *first* ensures they *want* help:

When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.” Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?” ~ Matthew 8:5-7

When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” ~ John 5:6

Jesus asks, “Do you want to be in a different place than you are?” He helps those who *want* to be well.

He also acknowledges that some won’t get it – and won’t want to get it. Matthew 13’s parable of the sower and prophet without honor are great reminders of this.

As I look back on when {double hockey sticks} has been most helpful to others, it’s when they have come to me. The Lord prompts them out of the blue, or they are familiar with my story, or they are familiar with the blog, and they reach out. It resonates with Christ’s pattern.

So as I seek to determine what to do when in situations that make my hair stand on end!, it seems Christ offers a few great patterns:

Offer personal, invested, relational, visionary discipleship
Simply be available and ready to respond if they approach you
Ask them if they want to be in a different place than they are

Perhaps they want help. Or perhaps they like being where they are. Or perhaps, like with Paul and John Mark, it may be someone else who helps them.

For me, this has been freeing. In ministry, there are so many people we can help. So much to do. So many ideas. So many in need. So many critiques of what we should be doing. So much blame.

And

this

frees

all

that.

I’m not suggesting we just sit around and wait for our phones to ring. We reach out to a few and invest in them. And if we get overwhelmed about whom to help, we focus on those who ask for it and who want to change.

So if you’re in ministry – or if you’ve got a situation that you’re trying to figure out how to help someone, I hope this is helpful for you! It’s been very freeing for me.

It’s like the old Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It seems more and more that this is a hallmark of great leaders – they invest their energy in things that can be changed and in people who want to change. Good leaders have great boundaries.

photo credit: Nibiin at gamestock.com

looking for some apples!

Posted on January 8, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

On New Years Day, we went down to the Capitol area to DC’s Botanical Gardens. They were hosting an exhibit that we heard was cool with major DC buildings made out of all plant materials…

That’s the Library of Congress. So ornate! And though it looks like gold leaf, it’s really barks and such. It’s amazing.

The Capitol was stunning. It apparently took the woodworker 600 hours to make!

And here’s a cool view of an all plant model of DC’s reflecting pool…

We also heard there was a cool train exhibit. The scenery was more of this wonderfully ornate woodwork. The trains were, well, not so vintage : )

Sometimes it’s the little things that make something so special! Like all the little details on these amazing designs. Or the special relevant cultural touches – like did you spot the War Horse in the pic above?

Or sometimes, it’s just the little detail of a great response in a tricky situation. One sentence – sometimes a seeming detail – but such a masterpiece if at a critical time, we get it right!

Waiting in line that day for the exhibit, I’m not sure I did. In fact, there have been several situations lately where I don’t think I’ve been very good at that!

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. ~ Proverbs 25:11

I’m looking for them apples : )… and I’d love your input!

When we got to the exhibit, there was a really long line. So I got in it! Surely this was the line to the cool stuff. The sign above the door read, “Train Entrance.” So we stood in line and waited to get in the exhibit (a bonus for waiting until the last day to go : )).

As we waited in line, other people came in another door and walked right in. Some people in line around us were getting frustrated, “Why are those people cutting?” We suggested that it was because that was for the main entrance. But that seemed to throw fuel on the fire, and they started getting more frustrated at the people at the info desk for not stopping the people who were ‘cutting in line.’ It was a little thing that I thought a little comment could potentially make better. But it didn’t. I felt like our comments made it worse. I felt like they got more engrained in their position.

So it might seem like a potentially little thing, but they are such opportunities! In my passion to help people think things about each other that are true and noble and right… in my passion to help people avoid verbally abusing one another… presuming upon negative motive speculations doesn’t jive! We needn’t wait for a volcano to erupt. Great training comes in the little, seeming insignificant things to prevent the volcanoes. We are, after all, supposed to take captive *every* thought, right? : ) So yes, this is little. And yes, it could just roll off and move on with the day. But it could also be a little gem. An opportunity to {double hockey sticks} the world!… one person at a time! : )

Or this one happens often! Someone gets an e-mail or a text and reads stuff into it. I try to suggest that perhaps that person didn’t intend all of the things the recipient read into the e-mail. But it doesn’t seem to go well. I don’t seem to know how to approach it well. I don’t know what the main trigger is – perhaps they get upset because it doesn’t seem like I treat their perception as valid? Yet ‘valid’ perceptions are dangerous. Or perhaps they feel like I’m taking sides? I’m not sure what the root of it is. But I know that my responses seem to make things worse.

So you know my passion – that making false accusations about someone is one of my major buttons… because I think it is one of God’s major buttons. It makes me so sad… and frustrated… and angry. But I don’t think I’m very good at helping get things back on track {hehe – no pun intended!}.

As I’ve sought input, one perspective is that there isn’t much I can do if the person doesn’t want to get back on track.

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. ~ Proverbs 18:2

If a person is set on airing their opinion, well, there isn’t much wisdom reasoning with a fool.

And that may be the case sometimes… but I like to think that if I were better with my ‘words aptly spoken,’ that they would love to think things that are true about others. I don’t want to be quick to jump on the ‘fool’ bandwagon if the problem is really that I’m doing a poor job in my attempts to reframe the situation. If I can do a better job responding, I’d like to start there. I can’t change a fool, but if they aren’t a fool, I can do better at trying to communicate my perspective!

So I asked my crazy wise husband. I was concerned that my responses were not direct enough so they were not clear enough. But I was concerned that being more direct would come across too attacking. How can I best help people think godly thoughts about others? How can I best help people not go down the road of what quickly turns into verbal abuse? His suggestion was to point to the truth… without making it personal. I’m all for that! So what does that look like in practice?

Maybe something like…

“The good news is when we apply Philippians 4:8, we assume the best about the intentions in that e-mail.”

His strategy is that if it can be spun into a positive, it has a higher probability of sticking.

I like that. I’m all for positive goodness.

Or maybe something simple like,

“Well, if we apply our {dhs} sifter, then we’ve got to assume that it’s ok.”

Clear. Concise. Directive, yet positive. I think I like it.

But I haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet. So I’m curious… what do you think? Would a response like this be helpful for you? Or what has worked for you when listening to friends jump to conclusions? What helps get your conversations back on track in a positive way?

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Happy New Year!!

{ double hockey sticks }

delighting in conflict done well

Category Archives: approaching well