Let’s get our {dhs} sifter cranked up!

Today’s topic?  Telling someone, “You are intimidating.”

We’ll run it through our trusty sifter – because before we consider how to confront someone on their ‘intimidation,’ we must first consider if it is worth confronting.  And our big question before we consider if it’s worth confronting is it is even worth *thinking*!

So here we go with our Philippians 4:8 {dhs} sifter.  We’ll do the first few at least…

IS IT TRUE?  Is the statement “you are intimidating” a true statement?   Is it actually, factually true?  By ‘true,’ I mean  on par with statements such as “God is true,” “Jesus is true,” and “Scripture is true.”

No, it is an opinion – a perception.  And remember that we are to *demolish* perceptions that set themselves up against the knowledge of God.  So then our big question becomes, “Is this God’s perception?”  Remember, to be off on this is to set ourselves up against the knowledge of God.  That’s a crazy big deal.

It also easily edges into some pretty ugly words – like slander:

Slander is making a false statement or misrepresentation about another person that defames or damages the person’s reputation.

I think we can do better!

IS IT NOBLE?  Is “you are intimidating” the most noble explanation we can come up with for their actions?

A story for ya…

There once was a gal for whom this term “intimidating” was often used.  I wanted to know what the scoop was and why everyone thought she was intimidating.  This is what I discovered:  Almost two decades earlier, she had been violated by someone she trusted.  And she felt stuck.  She trusted him, and he severely broke that trust.  Whom can she trust to tell?  So for almost two decades, she held on to this secret.  She was hurt, felt violated, and was unsure about whom to trust in life, and if she trusted someone, what they would then do to her.  She didn’t need someone to tell her, “You are intimidating, and you need to be less intimidating.”  She needed someone to care.  To love her.  To give her a safe place to unload her big devastation.  And to help her explore how to let the good in while keeping the bad out – instead of just keeping it all out.  Unpacking all that helped her be more open to relationships – healthy ones, that is.  But a judgment wasn’t going to help her; care was.

And another one!

There once was another gal for whom this term “intimidating” was also used.  It turns out for her she had been verbally abused for years by spiritual leaders.  As she went to others for help, she was consistently given well-meaning – but actually not biblically helpful – advice and feedback.  She started to get leary of relationships in general and talking to anyone.  Her healthy, biblical boundaries were consistently violated. Then some sojourners along the way helped her start to identify those violations, and the Lord showed her how to navigate them with strength according to His Word and His pleasure.  As she began to get clarity on truly biblical relational dynamics, and as she began to feel like her life was less about constantly being hurt, she was strengthened to enjoy healthy relationships.

Now I’m no psychologist, but in many of the “intimidating” people with whom I’ve worked, there seems to be some common themes: hurt, unbiblical advice that sounds biblical, confusion about whom they trust, often some violations that I think would make the Lord very sad, lack of clarity on how to navigate those to let the good in but keep the bad out… and did I mention hurt?

There are often much more noble explanations for a person’s “intimidation.”

IS IT RIGHT?  WARNING:  I’m going to turn things on their head a bit here.  So keep reading at your own discretion!

Remember, ‘right’ pertains to ‘righteous.’  It refers to sin.  Our goal as believers is to help raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:18) – not personal preference.  If a person is intentionally trying to make others fear them, that’s one thing (though that often still ties into the ‘noble’ hurts above, and though we’re still not to judge the motives of a man’s heart).

But if they simply have non-sin actions that we ‘perceive’ as initimiding… well…{gulp}…that may actually be…{are you ready for this?}… *our* sin.

Yikes?

When I run “you are intimidating” through the grid of Scripture, I can’t get the statement to come out in tact on the other side.  “You are intimidating” can be ‘translated,’ “I am intimidated by you.”  ‘Intimidated’ is ‘frightened’ or ‘afraid.’  We are to fear God… but anything else?

“In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”  ~ Psalm 56:11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

“So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’”  ~ Hebrews 13:6

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”  ~ Psalm 27:2

“The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” ~ 1 John 4:18

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  ~ Joshua 1:9

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”  ~2 Timothy 1:7

A spirit of timidity or fear is not from God.  In fact, God *commands* the opposite – over a hundred times in Scripture!

IS IT PURE?  If it’s my sin, then I need to purify my thoughts.  If I am losing sleep over someone’s ‘being intimidating,’ there is an easy way to solve it: Confess my sin of fear to the Lord.

Things get messy when we blame another person for our sin. They can’t own our sin.  They can’t confess it for us.  They aren’t a dreg runner!

I cannot expect the world to change so I don’t sin.  Oh wow – that’d truly be a picture of the world revolving around me!  My sin is my sin.  I shan’t blame another for it nor expect them to own it.  It is *my* responsibility to own it and confess it.

So once I confess my fear and quit being afraid, well, then, there is no longer a problem.  {poof}  There is nothing left to confront.  And we’re not even all the way through our {dhs} sifter!

Yet I do want to go one step further.  We’ll touch on ‘lovely’ next time – and the possibility of a conversation of mutual benefit.  But I think that’s enough for now!  WHEW! : )