The ball’s in your court!

Posted on May 23, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

When I worked in the small group ministry, a teammate of mine had the cutest idea.

When someone signed up for a small group, we’d follow up with them to find out more about what they were looking for or to connect them to a group. If we didn’t hear back, we’d try again. After a third try, if we still didn’t hear back, we sent them a postcard that said, “The ball’s in your court.”

It explained that we were glad to help them, we just needed to hear from them. We needed them to take the next step.

This is the same philosophy that we recommend with throwing PIES.

Remember, if a friend talks with you about something that is worthy of confronting with a Philippians 4:8 mindset, and if they approach it well with a James 3:17-18 approach, and if they model the love of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, then responding is easy. Being cared for and loved towards Christ is a joy of a journey, and to travel that road with a friend who desires to honor the Lord with you is truly the marrow of life.

But if someone approaches you with misperceptions – things they have chosen to think that are ignoble, impure, unlovely, and not admirable – it’s a different ballgame. They believe they are right, they believe you should own the things they are thinking about you, and they are not seeking to understand. In those situations, we

And then we add the S – suggest an alternative. A next step. A way to proceed in healthy conversation and relationship.

We give time and space for our brief explanation, yet we leave the door open. If they desire to understand, if they desire to communicate healthily, if they desire to move towards a healthy relationship, we provide a path.

For example, if our E looked like this,

“The things you are saying about me are not true. I choose not to fill my mind with untrue thoughts.”

Perhaps the follow up S is,

“If you’d like to better understand me, I’d be happy to answer questions you may have in a future conversation. Just let me know when you’d like to talk.”

The S suggests an alternative. It sets a clear expectation of what needs to change in the future interaction. And importantly, it leaves the ball in their court.

The three components of that are important:

1. Set a clear expectation of what needs to be different.

The S gives a path. It asserts our expectation of a healthy conversation. It asserts how we expect to be treated in a healthy relationship. Here, it is that I expect wise men seek understanding, not airing their inaccurate perceptions of me.

2. Offer the possibility of a *future* interaction.

This is rarely the time for an on-the-spot teachable moment, and you are likely not poised in their eyes to be their teacher. In interrupting the conversation, we have just thrown a curve ball. So we give some space. We give them time to regroup if they’d like to consider coming at the conversation differently.

Time away is wise for you:

“The prudent man sees the evil and hides himself.” ~ Proverbs 22:3

Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes separating ourselves feels unloving. For me, this quote totally turned that way of thinking on its head:

“Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.” ~ Boundaries

We remove ourselves from the current unhealthy conversation. We eject ourselves from the unhealthiness and destruction that is taking place. In doing so, we take a stand against the things that destroy love. And we actually, ironically, end up taking a stand for love.

Creating space may be greatly beneficial for them as well:

“You can remove yourself to get away from the danger and put limits on evil. The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior (Matt. 18:17-18; 1 Cor. 5:11-13).”

3. We leave the ball in *their* court.

This is important for several reasons.

It asks them to seek growth, just as Jesus did. It requires them to take the initiative, as Jesus modeled with his disciples.
It teases out the fool from the wise man. If the person simply wanted to air their opinion, then you’ve set your boundary. But if they really do want to seek to understand you but just aren’t good at communicating that or have never been taught a healthy way to communicate that, it provides a path for the wise man to move forward.
It keeps you from inviting yourself back into unhealthy dialogue. You needn’t prod around in the beehive to see if they are ready to play nice. Set a clear expectation, then give space. Let them take the next step. Let them reach back out to you if they’d like to try the conversation in a healthier manner.

Sometimes it can feel unloving to leave the ball in their court. We want to check in with them. We wonder if we’re being rude. We wonder if we should hear them out.

We were working with a volunteer who loved to sign up for things. He loved to schedule his training meeting. He totally had a heart to serve… but his follow-through wasn’t quite there yet. He’d miss the one-on-one training. He’d have to cancel the orientation meeting. He couldn’t make it when he was scheduled to serve.

But then he’d sign up again!

“As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are responsible and miserable.“ ~ Boundaries

So we tried something a little different with him. We left the ball in his court. When he expressed interest, we expressed our concern. We asked him to pray about it every day for two weeks to be sure this is what the Lord was calling him to do. We asked him to follow up with us after he’d done so to let us know what He felt like the Lord was wanting him to do. The ball was in his court.

Our next step was going to be to have him shadow a volunteer. No special outside-of-normal-hours meetings. Just show up at an appointed time and shadow a volunteer. Again, he has to take the initiative. He has to show that he is committed and wants this.

When the ball is clearly in their court, we are free from the burden of the consequences of their actions. The Lord was clear with him in prayer that he needed to focus on some other things before committing to this serving opportunity. Putting the ball in his court helped clarify that.

This ‘ball in their court’ thing really works! I suppose it should – it’s what Jesus did : )

So we end our PIE with an S. We suggest an alternative that makes clear what needs to be different in a *future* conversation. And it leaves the ball in their court.

In doing so, we actually invite future relationship. Healthy relationship. The opportunity for interactions that truly honor the Lord… and each other.

photo credit: ChopShopStuK

Shorten your Backswing

Posted on May 21, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I took a golf lesson once.

Dave and I thought it might be fun to play golf together, so I took a lesson to learn how.

I hit one shot that was surprisingly gorgeous. I don’t tend to be good at things that involve balls, so I was quite surprised. This might actually be my deal!

So I lined myself up, got my hands all in position, and took another shot.

It felt *exactly* the same. Just like the one before.

But the ball didn’t careen down the fairway like before.

It kind of did a tink, dribble, plop.

I looked at my instructor, incredibly confused. The swings felt identical!

He responded,

“Now you know why golf is a four letter word.”

Cute.

I didn’t last long as a golfer, but there is one tip I picked up that apparently is incredibly important: Shorten your backswing.

It’s apparently a pretty big deal. It helps golfers

Be more in control
Hit fewer errant shots.

It helps keep the ball going down the fairway and out of the brush and sand traps.

May I suggest that the same is true of conflict? Shortening our backswing makes all the difference.

When we get ready to make contact, how far back we’ve gone with our backswing greatly affects our shot. When we get ready to approach someone, if we’ve let our mind go all kinds of places presuming to know why they did what they did, characterizing them, presuming to connect it with this action or that one, our shot starts to get unwieldy. We take it past the recommended and get into high-sticking territory. It gets messy up there.

One golf coach’s insight is right on:

“The problem for most people is that they do not realize how far back they are taking the club.”

We think we’re just ‘processing.’ We believe our perceptions are reality. We consider our critical question, “Is it in the Bible?” and we get the answer jumbled. *Our* answer is in the Bible… though their action may not be. They may have simply taken the crusty part of the bread, and we presume they are selfish. We feel justified that our thoughts are right, because the motive we feel sure of behind their action is in Scripture. Selfishness is a sin, so we think we need to confront them on it.

But clarifying the question is critical, “Is the actual, factual action that they did in the Bible?” We’ve discussed what to do if the answer is yes. And what to do if it’s no. Today’s is tricky. It’s about what to do if the answer is practically:

“I mean, it’s practically in the Bible. The motive that I feel sure is behind their action is in the Bible.”

And we swing that club into unwieldy territory. We just go a little further back… and a little further back. We think we’re digging deeper and really getting to the root. We think it’ll make our conversation go farther faster.

But it doesn’t. It causes us to lose control. Our shot becomes errant. And here we are, needing a bunch of extra effort and strokes to get out of the bunker – out of the hazard or depression – and back onto the green.

It makes a mess when we get the answer to our question confused.

The good news?

“Shortening your back swing does not take a major amount of ability to do, but it will feel a little strange for a while.”

It’s not hard. It just feels awkward. Like any habit, it takes some intentionality to change.

We advocate simply Stop, Drop, and Roll to help with this. To be sure we’re sticking just to the actual, factual actions.

It’s all about being intentional. We choose how far back we go.

To do this smoothly, the golf coach advocates,

“Slow down the speed of your back swing.”

We’ve got a great way to help you slow down your backswing: Run your thoughts through our trusty {dhs} sifter. Is what you’re thinking about this person actually factually true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy?

Talk about slowing down our backswing! Run our wound up thoughts and emotions through each of those adjectives. Slow it down, and be sure our backswing is small. It makes for a much better hit!

It’s so worth it. It helps us be more in control. Hit fewer errant shots. It keeps us from yelling “Fore!”… or yelling at all. It keeps our relationship from landing in the brush or sand trap. It helps us make progress without all the extra messy strokes in between.

It helps us thrive in the lush and green.

If we simply shorten our backswing.

the blessing of the bite

Posted on May 16, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

When I was little, we had a white poodle named Beau. He taught me a very important lesson one day.

We were standing at the bottom of the stairs. Beau was standing with three paws on the ground floor and one paw resting on the stair. I think we were listening to my mom or dad tell us something. But there we were… just standing.

Now when I was little, I had a thing with symmetry. It was the 80s, and lopsidedness was in. The side ponytail. Shirts tied in a knot on the side. Dresses with bows on one side. And it just seemed to me that things should be symmetrical. If there is a bow on one side of the dress, the other side of the dress should have a bow, too. That was my take.

So here is Beau standing asymmetrically at the bottom of the stairs. He has three paws on the ground and one front paw resting on the stair. I thought that must be uncomfortable. Surely he’d be more comfortable with all four paws on the ground! So I reached down to move the paw that was resting on the stair onto the ground.

Beau didn’t agree. He quite liked his paw resting just where it was. He didn’t want it resting on the ground.

So he bit me.

That is one of my few memories of Beau, but it did teach me something important.

Just because I think someone should do something a certain way doesn’t mean they think they should do it that way.

Just because I think something should be done a certain way doesn’t mean it should be done that way. Though I may prefer it one way, they may prefer it another. It’s their life, their stance, and their choice. They get to stand how they want, and I get to stand how I want.

We can spend a lot of time in life on how we think people should do things. How we think they should stand. How we think they should respond. How we think they should run their meeting. How we think they should structure their department. How we think they should interact with their kids. How we think they should do their hair. And on. And on.

And we can justify it. “But this is a principle!” “But this is my conviction!” All kinds of things that help us believe they should live according to our opinion.

There were for sure people in Scripture that had opinions about how people should do things. Strong convictions. They were certain this is how things should be done. And they seemed like godly things. They spent their time and energy teaching people to do these principles and practices that they came up with. Principles and practices that they were convicted were how people should do things. Principles and practices that seemed close to godliness.

Yet Jesus wasn’t a fan.

At all.

He had plenty of things to say about them. Not good things, that is.

He didn’t want people spending their time convincing others to do their personal convictions. He didn’t want people seeing if others measured up to their personal constructs of how life should be lived. That’s a distraction from our true focus.

He wanted people spending time on Him.

He added some additional things that are for sure worth addressing, but nowhere does he tell *us* to add additional things worth addressing.

And he has pretty biting words for those who do: Brood of vipers. Sons of hell.

We’ve got to be careful. Our opinions may seem helpful. Our convictions may seem valid. But what matters is the Word. What matters is the Lord.

All the rest?

We allow as the Lord allowed: freedom.

That’s the blessing of the bite. It keeps us out of the things we needn’t opinionate on… and squarely focused on what’s doggone good.

TME

Posted on May 14, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

There was a very handy term we used on occasion when I worked in sales and marketing: TME.

We used it when we had a prospect that was, well, very time consuming. Perhaps their organization’s decision-making process was especially cumbersome, decision rights were unclear, they had an inordinate amount of questions and need for explanation, their consideration process required an unusual amount of meetings that didn’t seem to be making progress, and their price point was low – especially for the amount of work required to get them on board.

They were simply Too Much Effort.

If they came on board, great. We’d welcome them. But for the amount of time and energy needed to invest in making that happen, it just didn’t make sense. If we spent our time navigating their wieldy process and meetings, we were not spending our time serving those who desired to implement our best practices. There were organizations that could benefit from our services, and we chose to focus our efforts on them.

Sometimes in life, TME is wise. There are some situations where TME frees us to truly focus on the things the Lord desires for us.

But sometimes we get tricked. Sometimes we label the wrong things ‘TME.’

Let’s take as an example the temple builders.

The Israelites came back from exile with the express purpose of building a temple.

This is what Cyrus king of Persia says:

“‘The Lord, the God of heaven, has given me all the kingdoms of the earth and he has appointed me to build a temple for him at Jerusalem in Judah. Any of his people among you may go up to Jerusalem in Judah and build the temple of the Lord, the God of Israel, the God who is in Jerusalem, and may their God be with them… Then the family heads of Judah and Benjamin, and the priests and Levites—everyone whose heart God had moved—prepared to go up and build the house of the Lord in Jerusalem. ~ Ezra 1:2-3, 5

They returned from exile to build the house of the Lord in Jerusalem. 50,000 of them. For 2 years they worked, and they completed the foundation with great rejoicing (Ezra 3:8-10). They sang to the Lord with praise and thanksgiving to the Lord:

“He is good; his love to Israel endures forever.” ~ Ezra 3:11

Yet their enemies set out to frustrate their plans. They discouraged them and made them afraid to continue building. They hired consultants to work against them (Ezra 4:4-5). It halted their work – for 14 years.

Their theory?

“The time has not yet come for the Lord’s house to be built.” ~ Haggai 1:2

The Lord’s theory?

“Is it time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains in ruins?” ~ Haggai 1:3

They’d been working hard on building… that is, they’d been working hard on building their own houses. Paneling goes on top of stone, so the Israelites had built their houses of stone, then added paneling. Yet they had not been working on the Lord’s house. The Lord had showed his might and faithfulness in bringing them back from exile, yet some consultants made them afraid to build God’s temple.

They’d labeled it TME. For 14 years.

The Lord points out the futility of this:

“Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvest little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.” ~ Haggai 1:7-8

They have been investing in the wrong things. Spending their time on things that are not the Lord’s focus. Busy, but not producing an abundance of fruit.

“Why?” declares the Lord Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.” ~ Haggai 1:9

Sometimes we get distracted from what the Lord desires us to work on – from what He *tells* us to work on. We let fear or frustrations derail us. We let the amount of effort required discourage us. We label the wrong thing TME, and instead, we work on things we think are good or valuable.

Yet there is one thing that turned it around for the people of Israel:

“I am with you,” declares the Lord. ~ Haggai 1:13

Then the people began work on the house of the Lord. After allowing fear and frustration to thwart doing what the Lord had called them to do, they got back to work. And do you know how long it took? After 14 years of ‘TME,’ they rebuilt the temple in 4 years.

They’d busied themselves with other priorities instead of tackling the Lord’s priority – which could have long been completed.

Sometimes we do this in life. There are roadblocks or hecklers or frustrations that make things hard, so we say, ‘TME.’

Yet that TME is tricky. It often finds itself attached to the wrong things. It rears its tempting head and latches on to things it shouldn’t – things that God actually cares a lot about.

Like for the Israelites, building His temple. For us, it could be that our believing friend uses the Lord’s name in vain. Yet we say, ‘TME.’ We’d rather ‘keep the peace.’

Or maybe our believing friend is about to marry an unbeliever. We think about addressing it with them, but then we say, ‘TME.’ We’d rather sort of steer them to a pastor and hope he’ll deal with it. We’d rather not have to get into it.

Or let’s say our marriage is taking a lot of work. A *lot* of work. It’s exhausting. And frustrating. And there is a cute person in our life with whom relating does not seem to be a lot of work. So we’re tempted to say of our marriage, ‘TME.’

This happens often in conflict situations. Confronting can seem so hard. Giving that last 10% seems to take so much energy. Perhaps we are in the middle of throwing PIES, and the E just seems a bit too daunting. Like something we’d rather skip. It’s so tempting to slap that TME on it and just let the relationship dissolve. Let them do their own thing. Or let them go down the path that God doesn’t want them to go down.

Like the Israelites, we get frustrated or feel daunted. We get afraid or lack courage. And sometimes, instead of going to the source of all courage and the one who conquers all, we get out our TME marker.

For some reason, we can have the energy to confront someone on a habit that personally annoys us… yet isn’t in the Bible. Maybe they smack their gum, and we snap back. Maybe their laugh annoys us, and we say something persnickety. Maybe they love healthy food, and it makes us feel guilty, so we jab at them a bit. Whatever it is, there seem to be issues that we have no qualms about confronting.

Yet things that are in Scripture? Things the Lord cares about. For some reason, we can end up labeling the wrong things ‘TME.’ We can end up giving in to our frustrations, giving heed to roadblocks, and labeling the things that build His temple ‘TME.’

Our key question is,

Is it in the Bible?

If the answer is yes, then our answer is never TME.

Our answer is to keep building.

Our marriage. Our relationship with believers. Helping others understand what the Lord desires.

Our answer is to call upon the source of all courage… and keep building.

“I am with you,” declares the Lord. ~ Haggai 1:13

Sometimes it is hard, and we may be tempted to give into our frustrations. But if it’s a passion of the Lord’s, brick by brick… we keep building.

Because what we’re building is glorious. It is of the Lord.

photo purchased from Cutcaster

Backing up a bit

Posted on May 9, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

You know that noise you hear when construction equipment backs up? That beep, beep, beep. Or if you have a Prius like we do, when your Prius backs up? Beep, beep, beep.

The man who invented that goes to our church, so every time I hear it or think of backing up, I think of him.

This post is for you, Mark!

We’ve talked about things to do if we’d like someone to be more vulnerable:

affirm their value
be interested in them
be a safe environment.

And things not to do!

Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Critiquing them for not sharing
Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Blaming them

But what if we’re trying all these things, and they aren’t ‘working’? What if they still aren’t being ‘vulnerable’?

If you feel like you’ve tried some of our investments to no avail, it’s worth backing up a bit. What do we mean by ‘be more vulnerable’? What is it we really want of them? What is it exactly that we’re looking for?

It’s valuable to clarify the goal, because our goal may actually be the problem. Our definition of ‘vulnerable’ may truly be what’s creating the conundrum. Backing up to redefine it may be our solution.

If we want to know their hurts and hopes and dreams (if they have/know them), then the above relational investments often land us right where we’re hoping to be.

But we should check ourselves. Are any of these our goal?

Is our goal for them to ‘open up’ by sharing their critiques and complaints?
Is our goal for them to ‘vent’ by sharing their frustrations about other people?
Is our goal for them to share a struggle… because what they are going through would be a struggle for us?

If any of those hint at our hopes, our expectations may actually be the problem. Our definition of ‘vulnerable’ may actually be the problem.

Remember, the Lord asks us to do everything without complaining. Not complaining is a godly thing!
The Lord says that a fool vents. Not being a fool is a godly thing!
And perhaps, indeed, the Lord’s plan in their life doesn’t make any sense – they’d even agree to that! – but perhaps they trust what He’s up to. Perhaps they trust and are at peace with the Lord’s plan for their life. *We* may not be at peace about it! But they may be.

We’ve got to be wise that in our desire for them to be ‘vulnerable,’ we aren’t actually prodding them towards complaining… venting… or discontent. Our goal is of course not to instigate worry where there is not any; it is simply to discover if there is any so we can care for them. Our goal is not to encourage them to vent as a fool does; it is to rally them towards wisdom. Our goal is not to rouse up complaining when the Lord clearly tells us not to; it is to champion them towards godliness.

So maybe they are being vulnerable. Perhaps they are being more vulnerable than they’ve ever been in their life. Perhaps their vulnerability simply looks different than we think it should.

A simple way to diagnose this? Ask them. We are *big* fans of inviting questions here at {double hockey sticks}. They solve so many issues really well. Remember the PB&J conundrum? Crisis averted with a simple question. After all, the wise seek understanding (Proverbs 18:2).

Do you feel like this is a place where you can really share your victories and concerns?

Do you want to be more vulnerable than you feel like you can be?

Do you have any ideas on how we could make our group feel more inviting – where people feel free to be vulnerable?

You may have an idea for a better question. If so, I’d love to hear it! In the right environment – on a walk, over coffee, with some time to consider and let them get back to you, and approached well – in a calm, caring, loving, inviting, private manner, simply ask. That may be the best way to get the pulse check you’ve been craving.

Beep, beep, beep : )

being an oasis

Posted on May 7, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

Someone’s not being vulnerable isn’t all on them.

In fact, it may not at all be on them.

As we’ve said, vulnerability is not a one-man show. It involves a dynamic between at least two people. So though we may blame someone else for not being ‘vulnerable,’ we may be part of the problem. Or dare I say – the whole problem?

Jesus was very guarded. He was careful with whom He shared precious things.

Think about it. What examples can you think of when He was ‘vulnerable’? With whom? Where?

When people asked Him questions, He often responded with a question. He attempted to distill their motives before He shared the precious things of the kingdom. He didn’t go around sharing everything with everyone. He was wise with his audience. He shared just enough. And when the disciples wanted to know more, they asked.

Today’s consideration for how to help someone be more vulnerable is to be sure we are wise people worthy of others’ sharing their pearls.

That sounds a bit lofty. Let’s take a very practical example: How have you responded in the past when they shared?

Trina was leading her small group through their study’s questions. In response to question #3, Valerie shared a struggle in her life. She’s trying to understand what God is doing, and question #3 poked at it a bit. She shared that it is a struggle for her. She felt pretty vulnerable in that moment.

Trina responded, “Ok, moving on. What did everyone get for question #4?”

Later, Trina gets frustrated with Valerie that she is not willing to be vulnerable and share about her life. Valerie is confused. She was vulnerable and had shared things that were vulnerable; it seems Trina does not recognize her sharing as vulnerable. Second, she felt shut down when she was vulnerable. It seems that getting through the questions was the priority, so Valerie was trying to follow her leader’s leading.

We’ve got to be so careful in our frustrations. Sometimes the one lodging the complaint is the one actually at fault.

Consider another situation:

Valerie shared a prayer request she’d shared multiple times. She could have pretended like it wasn’t a big deal and made other things up, but it was, so she shared it in the group’s prayer requests week after week. It was really weighing on her.

After multiple shares, another group member responded, “You’ve shared that before. Can’t you share something else?”

Trina did nothing.

The only response Valerie had gotten from her multiple shares about what was weighing on her was, “Please share something else.” No one in the group had followed up with her about it, asked her about it, sent her verses pertaining to it, or anything that seemed to express interest, care, or concern. Instead, she was asked to share something else.

Valerie prayed about it and felt like the Lord was telling her to drop it. So she did. It felt unfruitful to try to convince her group members to care about her concern.

To help someone be more vulnerable, we’ve got to consider our role:

How do you talk about others around them? Are they concerned you’ll talk about them that way? Or do you value others and say valuing things about others?
Are you good at keeping secrets? Do you tell them what others told you in confidence? Can they trust that you’ll be trustworthy with the things precious to them?
Do you try to tell them what to do? Good counselors take people kicking and screaming where THEY want to go!
Do you expect them to be like you? To do things like you do them? Do you think your way is the right way? Or do you enjoy them for who they are and enjoy that they do things differently?
Do you tell them what to do? Things that aren’t in Scripture, I mean. Do you tell them how they should do this and that – things for which the Lord allows freedom?
How do you respond to the things they share? Do you judge? Do you critique? Do you unintentionally verbally abuse? Or do you affirm and express interest?
Have you or anyone in the group publicly called them out for something? Are they just trying not to get embarrassed?

These personal dynamics are of course critical in being a wisely safe person with whom your friend can share her pearls. Situational dynamics are important to consider as well.

If this is a couples group or a workplace setting, consider the male-female dynamic.
If this is a small group, church group, church staff, or any type of setting that should feel safe yet something happened to make it feel unsafe, the intensity of that can feel multiplied. It may take longer to create an environment that feels safe.
If you as the leader have done something to make a group member feel unsafe, the intensity of the ‘unsafe’ feeling can also be multiplied. If a leader who is supposed to protect does not, it will likely take longer to rebuild that feeling of trust.

If none of these brainstorms have proven diagnostic for your situation, great questions can prove fruitful! Ask them if there is anything you can do differently for them to feel more comfortable around you. You may want to e-mail it in advance to them or talk to them in person and let them know you’d love for them to consider the question and meet for coffee later. Give them time to ponder, to come to clarity, and to work up the courage to share. Maybe it’s a more generalized question about how the group (or team or relationship) can feel like a safe environment. That two-way dialogue could prove incredibly fruitful.

In my experience working with hundreds of small group leaders and thousands of small group members, I have never met a person who didn’t respond well to being valued, to having someone show interest in them, and who didn’t crave a safe environment. I have never met a person who didn’t drink that stuff up like an oasis in a desert.

Granted, I’ve only met a very, very small percentage of the world. But in that small percentage, I believe this is what we crave.

So I invite you to be an oasis. Be a safe place for people to share their pearls.

I believe you will be insanely blessed by the intentional – and fun – efforts you pour into creating it.

Interest = a great ROI!

Posted on May 2, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I have never met someone who wasn’t vulnerable.

Instead, I often hear, “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

And it’s not because I’m anyone special. Because I’m not.

My current hypothesis is this: It’s because they are special. And I simply believe it.

I believe to my core that God put every single person on this planet for a valuable reason. And, well, I love discovering what it is! What makes them unique? What unique journey does He have them on? What unique wiring did He give them? What perfect plan does He have for them – that may look so different from my perfect plan or the world’s perfect plan?

And can I tell you that some of my favorite people are some of the most unique.

You know, the ones who march to their own drummer.

Maybe sort of like The Help movie. Who was the journalist? Skeeter, I think.

I love people like that. I just adore them.

It truly tickles and delights me to experience people’s uniqueness.

One of the easiest ways I’ve found to help people be vulnerable is simply to be interested.

This can be related to believing they are valuable – simply the natural outpouring of it. In action, it can look simply like this:

Ask follow up questions to what they shared.
Follow up on something they mention a few days or weeks later. Ask how it’s going. Find out what happened with the prayer request.
Tell them you found what they shared interesting.
Go do something with them that they enjoy. Go on their turf.
Highlight something valuable they did in what they shared.
Offer an article that reminds you of them or something they shared.

My mom is the cutest. She is crazy good at that last one. I tease that her love language is newspaper articles. She mails us articles that remind her of us. Sometimes I honestly don’t even remember telling her about some of the things she cuts out. Or I am amazed when she sends an article about something that I mentioned a year or two ago. She listens, she pays attention, and she lets us know she’s thinking of us. It’s the gesture – her showing interest lets us know that she cares enough to listen, remember, think of us, and follow up. That investment of interest is inviting.

On the contrary, consider a situation like this: Matt is sharing about his weekend. In the middle of his story, his coworker interrupts and says, “I don’t have time for this,” and walks out of his office. Later, Matt is critiqued for only talking business and not sharing his personal life with his coworker. Hmmmm…. I wonder how he ended up there? : )

This whole business of ‘showing interest’ can be as easy as asking a specific question. And when I suggest specific, “How are you?” doesn’t count! : )

Some specific questions that show you’ve listened and are interested in their life could be something like…

What did you like about the play you saw last week?
What’s something you’ve found interesting in one of the classes you’re taking?
This school year, who is one of your students you enjoy?
Are you glad you did this or that?
(if you have some rapport) How is your marriage?
(if you have some rapport) How are you and the Lord doing?

When I was learning Greek, someone asked me what my favorite word was. I thought that was such a unique, clever question! I forget what mine was, but it was one that was fun to say. I remember that theirs was ἀλήθεια. They loved truth and loved the way the word sounded (a-lay-thay-a). Talk about a unique and specific question!

Can I tell you that this is huge for introverts! Introverts don’t just naturally talk about themselves. They’d rather do just about anything else. Combine that with an introvert who is naturally curious about others, loves to listen, has potentially been abused, has not experienced someone finding them valuable or interesting, or any of a variety of other factors, and you have someone who is unlikely to talk about themselves. They aren’t withholding or being mean. It just doesn’t occur to them to talk about themselves.

And when it does, they get tired of it really fast!

I just love this article about introverts. One of things I’ve found insightfully helpful:

“The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.”

So this whole business of remembering what they say is huge if you’d like them to be more vulnerable with you.

By the way, the article also highlights a gender challenge,

“Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially.”

Not all women love to share everything. And just because a woman isn’t sharing does not mean she’s not vulnerable.

Remember, vulnerability isn’t a one-person show. It’s a two-way interaction. We’re not about labeling people as ‘vulnerable’ or ‘not vulnerable.’ If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable with you, we’ve got to consider that particular relationship.

Being interested in what they say and demonstrating that interest by commenting or affirming now, asking follow up questions, or following up later can result in a great return on your investment of time, energy, effort, and friendship. Asking great questions is a gift to others as it can help them discover parts of themselves they didn’t even know were there. It expresses interest in them – which can express care and love. It can also be a fun way to experience interesting aspects of life. Who knows what you’ll discover!

If you’d like someone to be more vulnerable

Posted on April 30, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I’ve never met someone who isn’t vulnerable.

I’ve met a lot of people who others claim are not vulnerable.

But I’ve never actually met someone who isn’t vulnerable. Who doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. And who won’t share their true self.

In the right environment, that is.

Vulnerability is not a one-man show.

In an inviting atmosphere surrounded by the right person or people who affirm value, express interest, and create a safely wise environment, I have found that people are very willing to be vulnerable.

These are what I’ve observed to be the worst ways to go about getting someone to be more vulnerable:

Confronting them about their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Critiquing them for not sharing
Calling them out on it, especially in the presence of others
Telling others of your frustration with their unwillingness to be vulnerable
Blaming them

If someone isn’t being vulnerable, they weren’t waiting to get critiqued to start being vulnerable. They weren’t sitting there thinking, “Now once I’m publically embarrassed, then I’ll be ready to be vulnerable.” What these things are actually likely to accomplish is sealing the deal. It will confirm for them that they were wise not to be vulnerable around you. It also has a way of making them regret when they were vulnerable, and it nearly ascertains that they will not be vulnerable with you in the future.

Unfortunately, that’s not progress. Or healthy. Or helpful for the kingdom.

Instead, for most every problem, we can help contribute to the solution.

We simply affirm

Value
Interest
Safety

There is no harm in trying any of these things. The world will not be a worse place if we value people more, show more interest in them, and create safer environments. So at the very least, you’ll make the world a better place. You may also get that vulnerability you’ve been craving. And… you could possibly even revolutionize someone’s world.

VALUE

Seriously. Some people do not know they are valuable. They have never been treated as valuable. Or worse, someone has told them they are not valuable. They may have grown up in a home where it was best to be seen and not heard, they may have a spouse who treats them in a way that communicates they lack worth, or they may work in an environment where they are consistently devalued. They may not even realize that they don’t realize they are valuable. (You may need to read that one again!)

If someone doesn’t know they are valuable, it likely doesn’t occur to them that they have anything valuable to share. You may need to not only affirm their value, but also help them discover what specifically about them is valuable.

Almost every person with whom I have worked who has been critiqued for not being vulnerable has been abused in their life. (I’m saying almost to allow for an exception, but in all honesty, I can’t think of one.) Sometimes the mistreatment has been by others, and the vulnerability-critiquer is simply experiencing the effects. Yet other times, unintentionally, it is by the critiquer himself.

So the first thing we can do is be sure we are not unintentionally harming them. That we are refraining from presuming to know their thoughts and motives and negatively characterizing them. That we are not thinking things about them that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. That we don’t just gloss over a list like that, but we consider each word intentionally and ask the Lord to convict our hearts if we’ve thought or said anything to them or about them that does not fit God’s desire for our hearts and minds. If we’ve thought it, we confess it to the Lord. If we’ve said it, we confess it to them.

So the first step towards their becoming more vulnerable around us may actually fall on us.

Secondly, we need to be sure we are convinced they have value. To treat someone as valuable, we need to be convinced of their value. God creates masterpieces. If you need help seeing how this person is a masterpiece and a precious creation of God, then ask Him. He delights to reveal His beauty.

Believe they are valuable, and begin to see what is valuable about them.

After you start to see their beauty and value, affirm it in them. If they’re not aware of it, you will change their life. Literally. They will begin to see how the Lord has wired them. They will begin to embrace it. And your delighting with them over how the Lord has created them opens a precious door. You will begin to get a sweet taste of that intimacy you’ve been craving.

And what I love about valuing others – it’s fun!

This is one of the many reasons I love the charge to

Encourage one another daily.

There are so many messages of how we are not valuable – or what is valuable to the world. And there are precious few recalibrations of what the Lord finds valuable. Encouraging one another daily is simply stating what you see in them that God likes, delights in, and created. What in them resonates with Who the Lord is? Maybe they are artistic. Maybe they are creative. Maybe they are a good listener. Maybe they have done something thoughtful. Maybe they are committed to God’s Word. Maybe they are a prayer warrior. Calling out the Lord in them fills them with strength. It fills them with courage. It calls out their value.

Affirming value is the first step towards vulnerability. Believe they are valuable, and share that value with them. It’s amazing the impact calling out someone’s value has.

I’ll leave us time to wrestle with that today. How can you affirm someone’s value today?

Up next: Expressing interest and being a wisely safe environment.

Which side of the bed?

Posted on April 25, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

10 years of marriage!! That’s what we celebrate tomorrow. Can you believe it? I can’t. Those years flew!

After we got married, we were trying to figure out what to do with my wedding dress. It seems a lot of people keep it for a lot of years and then, well, they’ve kept it. With limited storage space, I wasn’t sure if I thought that was a good idea for us. So the sometimes-overly-practical me looked into selling it. Gratefully, the sometimes-you’re-too-practical part of me kicked in. We decided that the fraction we’d recoup didn’t seem worth the possible regret of not having it later. So we kept it.

Then I had another idea. I told Dave that if I fit into the dress on our 10 year anniversary, that I wanted him to take me out to dinner in it!

I got it out and tried it on a few weeks ago. Gratefully, it fits! With the advice of a helpful friend, I’ve been carefully cleaning parts of it that have turned weird colors with a toothbrush. It’s cleaning up ok. I got some updated jewelry, and we made our reservation. I think we’re actually going to do this.

We’re going to our favorite restaurant. Dave’s favorite meal is steak (next to PB&J, of course!). Mine is Chilean sea bass (it’s one of the first ‘animals’ I ate after I moved on from my vegetarian days, and I love it!). There is one restaurant that serves both: Bonefish Grill.

So that’s where we’re going. Wedding dress and tux to Bonefish.

I think we might stick out.

We’re not big ‘attention’ people. It will be awkward for both of us. Maybe we’ll wear shades? : ) But hopefully it’ll also be a lot of fun.

It’ll be fun to celebrate 10 years and how wonderful they’ve been. We’ve certainly had our share of tough situations. Yet for some reason, the Lord has been so gracious with our marriage. It is truly such a gift.

It’s entirely the Lord that He’s chosen to bless our marriage as He has. In the times where we haven’t messed that up too much : ), we’ve often noted that it’s the little decisions that have made the biggest difference.

Like praying together every night before we go to bed. Dave started that right when we got married. It’s a seemingly little thing that he’s led us to be super consistent on. And a little thing… done daily for 10 years… well, it becomes a blessing of an impact on our marriage.

And you’ve heard the statistic, right? Whereas the ‘regular’ divorce rate is about 50%, the divorce rate among couples who pray regularly together is less than a fraction of a percent. It’s a ‘little’ decision that makes a big difference.

Another ‘little’ decision had to do with our wedding vows. I’m one of those weird women who never dreamed about her wedding. I wasn’t super invested in all the physical details. One of my friends offered to help, and I remember asking her if she’d pick out the flowers. I didn’t think it was that weird… everyone else did! : ) It just wasn’t that high of a priority for me.

Our guests, on the other hand, I cared a lot about. We prayed specifically for each person we invited whether they could come or not. That consumed a lot of our ‘planning’ time. But all those crazy details? They just weren’t me.

And my husband? That I cared a boatload about. Whereas I wasn’t overly invested in the wedding, I was crazy invested in the marriage. I cared a lot about what our marriage would look like, how we would do things, how we would work through things, and what our vision was. So our vows were a big deal to me.

The dress and the shoes and the hair? Not so much. The vows? Totally.

I felt like they were the opportunity to really clarify and crystallize what we wanted this life-together-thing to look like.

So we worked on them. And worked on them. And worked on them.

We had customized vows that I just loved.

And then we did what my parents did at their wedding. We memorized them. We figured if this is what we’re committing to each other and to the Lord, we’d better know them! And know them by heart.

I loved that part of our ceremony.

Yet it’s a ‘little’ decision afterwards that has made an especially big difference.

We got them framed and were hanging them in our bedroom. At first, I put my vows to Dave on his side of the bed, and his vows to me on my side of the bed.

But that didn’t sit quite right with us.

Yes, they are our promises to each other and to the Lord, but is that what I want to be focused on? What Dave is supposed to be committing to me?

Or do I want my thoughts and energy focused on the opposite ~ what I’ve committed to him? As I’m standing there getting ready for bed, do I want my thoughts to be about what he is or is not living up to? Or do I want my thoughts to be about what I am or am not living up to? Do I want to focus on improving me… or judging him? And on the flip side, do I want him focused on his self-checks… or on nagging me?

It’s one of those unusually little decisions that we believe has made a big difference in our marriage. I hung the vows I made to Dave on my side of the bed. And he hung the vows he made to me on his side. So our focus isn’t on judging the other person’s commitment; it’s on consistently evaluating and refreshing our own.

It’s not on nagging or tearing down. It’s on trying our best.

And knowing I fall short at times helps me give him grace… should he ever fall short!

It’s choosing to focus my energy and efforts on how I can improve – instead of on critiquing how he should improve.

And that, my friends, is truly our heart in this blog. We talk about some tough topics. Some hurtful issues. Some things that likely bring to mind what others have done wrong. Some things that have undoubtedly brought to my mind of how others have been so incredibly hurtful.

Yet we’re not about pointing fingers. We’re not about blaming. And we’re not about critiquing others.

We’re about keeping things on our side of the bed.

We’re about identifying situations so we can respond differently next time. We’re about understanding hurts so we can strive not to be hurtful. We’re about identifying where we fall short so we can work on improving. With the ‘other side of the bed’ in mind, of course. But primarily with our commitment square in our sights. We’re primarily focused not on what *others* should be doing… but on what *we* can do to help this kingdom be a better place.

Part of my passion to help make the kingdom a better place is to help people be aware of these hurts – often unintentional – that often end up delving into that crazy term that can seem unimaginable. My desire is not to point fingers. It is to raise awareness so that we can all do it better. It is to help me identify how I could have handled situations differently to have curbed some of the impact. It is to help me live out my side of the bed.

And I pray that as you read these, that you’d join me in this. That yes, we’d grieve and process the hurts that come to mind. But primarily, that we’d seek to focus our energy and efforts not on how others should improve. Instead, we’d seek to focus our energy and efforts on how we can improve. What we can do differently to change the dynamic. Not that we’re responsible for it. But that we can impact it.

That’s what we’re all about. Hanging our commitment on our side of the bed.

And celebrating the fruit of it years later!

QUESTION: What seemingly ‘little’ decisions have you made that have made a big difference?

The Assertive Homerun

Posted on April 23, 2013 by doublehockeysticks

I was playing with some cute little kids one day.

They were fun… but one of them was in a, well, uncute mode. He was being a bit whiney, and it wasn’t making for such an enjoyable playtime.

I’d read a great article on assertive communication, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I simply said,

“I enjoy playing with people who have good attitudes.”

I didn’t say it with an attitude myself. Just warmly, calmly, I made an assertive statement. I stated what I prefer.

He looked at me. He took a few steps, then sat down off to the side.

I looked over at him several times in the next few minutes. I wanted to be sure he didn’t feel squashed. And he didn’t seem like it at all. He wasn’t pouting. He wasn’t stewing. He wasn’t protesting. He didn’t look dejected. He just pondered.

After several minutes, he popped up. He stood tall and exclaimed,

“I have a good attitude when I play baseball!”

He ran to get his baseball gear.

I called after him,

“That’s awesome. Can I play baseball with you?”

I. just. loved. it.

It’s the power of an assertive statement. I’ve been lulled by them before. Someone simply stated their opinion… and even though I disagreed, I found myself, oddly, saying, “I agree.” There is just something about the power of a warm, calm, assertive statement.

It’s not aggressive – it doesn’t come out aggressively, tell others what to do, state what people should do, or critique. It’s not passive – it doesn’t ignore personal preferences and just go along with whatever the other person is doing. Done purely, it’s not manipulative or designed to elicit a certain result, though it may. It’s simply stating your preference.

It could be an emphatic statement of interest:

“I would like to…”

It could be an ‘I’ statement.

“I like…” “I want…” “I don’t like…”

It could be making a distinction between fact and opinion.

“My experience is different.”

Assertions are simply stating what you would like. It is healthy to do. I get concerned sometimes in the Christian kingdom that we have conditioned a passive environment. Expressing our preference can feel selfish, and we consistently ask, “Is that ok?” I get concerned that we have skewed the spectrum. I have experienced pure, healthy assertiveness be condemned as aggressive.

Yet the Lord created us with a desire and a will, and just like Jesus, He uses it. Sometimes, like with my baseball buddy, to challenge them for their good.

It can be hard, for sure. This whole E step can feel foreign, especially given the skewed assertiveness spectrum we sometimes operate in. But the concept is simple. Plain. Healthy. And good.

Seeing some examples in action was helpful for me to envision what assertive statement could look like in action. While these don’t all pertain directly to our E statements, the concept holds: assert yourself by offering a brief explanation.

Examples of Assertions

Basic

“I haven’t thought about that before. I’d like time to think about your idea.”
“The cost will be $2,000.”
“I like it when you help me.”

Broken Record Assertion

You simply repeat the assertion. When they counter or complain or negotiate, you simply warmly and calmly repeat your assertion.

Discrepancy

“As I understand it, we agreed that Project A was top priority. Now you’re asking me to give more time to Project B. I’d like to clarify which is now the priority.”
“Paul, on the one hand you are saying that you want to improve cooperation between our departments, but on the other hand you make statements about us that make it difficult for us to cooperate. I agree that we can improve the situation, so I’d like to talk about that.”

Empathetic

“I appreciate that you don’t like the new procedure; however, until it’s changed, I’d like you to keep working on it.”
“I know you’re busy at the moment, John, but I’d like to make a request of you.”

Negative feeling

Describe the other person’s behavior objectively. Be careful to do this without interpreting or judging.
Describe the impact of the person’s behavior on you. Be specific and clear. Don’t overgeneralize.
Describe your feelings
State how you would prefer the behavior to be in the future.

“When you leave it this late to produce your report, it involves my working over the weekend. I feel annoyed about this, so in future I’d like to receive it by Friday lunch time.”
“When you continually interrupt me when I’m working on the balance sheets, it means I have to start all over again. I’m feeling irritated by this, so I would prefer you wait until I have finished.”

Consequence

“I’m not prepared, John, to let any of my staff cooperate with yours on the project, unless you give them access to the same facilities that your people have.”
“If this occurs again, I’m left with no alternative but to apply the formal disciplinary procedure. I’d prefer not to.”

Some of those seemed aggressive to me at first. I’ve been wrongly conditioned! But assertiveness is a good thing. It is healthy for the person doing it… and that health can overflow. It may even draw those around you towards health. Instead of bearing up under someone else’s crankiness, you may just end up playing ball!